30 Sex Truths I've Learned in 30 Years
Everyone has different sex truths, but some are universal.
I have been wrong about sex so many times in my life that I am now forever skeptical when I think I have established some new truth. For example, I thought analingus would taste gross. Turned out the truth was pretty simple: it depends.
When I turned 30, at the sunset of my hyper-sexual twenties, I decided to sit down and try to establish exactly what 30 things about sex that I saw as "thruths." Some of them are true now, that weren't true before. Yet most are, to my knowledge, universally accepted sex-truths that any reasonable sexual being has.
So, here are the 30 sex truths I've learned in 30 years:
1. Erections have gone from being embarrassing when I get them to embarrassing when I don’t.
2. Period sex is great for everyone. Men who don’t like it because it’s “messy” are hereby no longer allowed to eat saucy chicken wings.
3. Sex toys are like apps for sex.
4. At least 230,000 people have also watched that porn video I’m so ashamed of. And that one…and that one too.
5. Getting choked doesn’t make me want to work harder, run faster, or be kinder to others. But it does give me an erection.
6. Everyone is kinda gay — no, but like actually.
7. I’m no longer surprised when something weird like tree bark turns me on.
8. Some birds like bees, some like other birds. And some like the look of that plump-cheeked little chipmunk over there. Who am I to judge?
9. Everyone should do more yoga.
10. Headaches are real things, and I’ve yet to see a dick that is made of aspirin.
11. People who don’t gossip about sex are super boring.
12. It’s okay to laugh during sex — encouraged if called for.
13. Never forget the nipples.
14. Fingers and tongues are some of the finest explorers.
15. Everyone has a spot.
16. Lying about enjoying sex at the beginning of a relationship is like letting a restaurant you regularly visit bring you the wrong meal over and over and over because you’re too afraid to let them know they got it wrong the first time. Now you’re condemned to eat that Tofu Ceasar Salad Wrap until you just start avoiding the restaurant altogether. That restaurant can change the order, all you had to do was ask.
17. Oral sex is one of the greatest inventions in the history of the world.
18. Reciprocate, or fuck yourself.
19. Sex and communication go together like cheese and wine and sex.
20. There are many many different types of sex, based solely on emotion and connection. You don’t even need to change positions.
21. Role-playing is both sexy and hysterical.
22. Sex started out like someone handing me a bag of mystery-flavored lollipops. Now, I have set aside all of my favorite flavors, but unwrapping a new mystery one every now and then is still exciting.
23. All parents should evolve with the times: a portfolio of sex articles would have helped so much more than awkward condom talks as a teenager.
24. Kiss, tell, but don’t give names or show pictures. Sex gossip is fun but not when it violates another person’s privacy.
25. Beds are overrated…until they’re not because the counter is cold and I forgot to sweep the floor.
26. Short sex is not always bad sex and long sex is not always good sex.
27. Sex is not a fireworks show. You shouldn’t be laying there just waiting for the finale.
28. People who’ve mastered dirty talk that isn’t too weird, too lame, or too funny, deserve medals.
29. When I am sexually attracted to someone their every stench is a perfume.
30. I’m still not into animals.