When Things Don't Go According to Plan

Suzy woke up and walked into her closet, trying to find something to wear. Her mind wandered through the tasks that have been completed this week, and the ones still yet to be accomplished.

Meal plan — “check”

Buy Groceries — “check”

Buy ‘spider bombs’ — “check”

Set off ‘spider bombs’ — “check”

“I’m so glad that I got that spider bomb set yesterday. Hopefully it got all those pesky little guys for good and I won’t have anymore issues with them.” Suzy thought as she pulled on her favorite black tee, black leggings, and a colorful kimono. She headed downstairs to the kitchen to make her morning coffee.

Suzy lived in a renovated industrial space. Her condo consisted of a loft bedroom, complete with walk in closet and fireman’s pole to get to the lower level. The kitchen was wrapped around the stairs, so you had to turn the corner right away at the bottom of the stairs. The kitchen was a small space, but there was a stove, deep sink, medium sized fridge and plenty of cupboard space, if you could reach all the nooks and crannies they put cupboards in. She kept telling herself that someday she would renovate her kitchen to make more sense. And that was the though on her mind as she rounded the corner and headed to make coffee.

Suzy stopped short. Was she seeing things? Maybe she hit her head on the way down the stairs today, there is that one spot where a beam overlaps slightly into the stairwell… she rubbed her eyes and shook her head, nope, not seeing things. In front of Suzy next to the counter was a human-sized black hairy spider. It must have been at least five and a half feet tall.

Suzy didn’t know whether to scream or run away. She wanted to do both, but found her mouth wouldn’t open and her feet wouldn’t budge. She stood still, rooted to the ground, eyes wide with terror. The spider looking back at her, holding her gaze. As he moved slightly towards her, Suzy could see two smaller spiders near the large one, they had been behind the big guy, just out of view when she rounded the corner.

After what felt like 27 years, the spider spoke.

“Good morning human.” It said like a proper gentleman. Suzy could also envision a monocle over one eye as he gave her this greeting. “GREETING!?” Suzy’s mind exploded in thought, “how can a spider be speaking to me?!”

“I’m sure you are surprised to see me, as I am surprised at my large size and the ability to converse with you.” Was that a British accent she heard? How could a spider be British??

“I am assuming that the silence is a result of shock, which hopefully will wear off soon so that you we can be of some use to one another. You see, I need your help. And considering that you probably don’t want a human-sized spider as a roommate, you’d probably like me to leave, how do you say, A.S.A.P.?”

“H-how are you talking? And Why are you British?!” Suzy finally managed to squeak out.

“Ah, so you do indeed possess the powers of speech. Good, good, very good. So, let’s get right down to it. I have a dilemma, well, two dilemmas. First, my size — I should not be this large, this is probably obvious to you, being this size truly makes my life difficult — I don’t know how you humans manage it, being so large and clumsy! I say! I’ve crushed two of my friends already. And the two keeping close around me now keep having to jump and dodge my large clumsy appendages.”

“What’s the second dilemma?” Suzy asked, the shock beginning to wear off. Suzy loved a good problem, that is to say, she enjoyed a challenge, and loved bringing order to chaos.

“My dear lady, the second problem is far greater than the first. Or rather compounded by the first. That is to say, well — my good lady, I am supposed to be married at the end of the week! And if I have still this size by then — well — that wouldn’t do at all! It just wouldn’t do! My sweet bride would reject me… or worse yet, I may crush her…”

Those last words were barely audible as the large spider began to cry. Large sticky drops fell from his eyes and rolled down his body, pooling at the bottoms of his many legs.

“Okay, Mr Spider — if we’re gonna be helping each other — we should know each other’s names. My name is Suzy. Do you have a name? A name is what we humans call one another, it’s typically given by parents when a human is born. And…”

“I have a name.” He cut her off. “My name is Sir Quincy Spiderton, at your service milady. And as stated before, I hope to impress upon your good graces to gain your compassion, and ultimately your assistance.

“Sir Quincy Spiderton? Hahaha.. Hmhm. I’m so sorry sir. I shouldn’t laugh, your name is just so... Proper. I’ve never met a spider before, and especially not a British one with such a proper British name. Please forgive my improprieties.”

“That’s quite alright, this is a new circumstance for the both of us.”

“Thank you.. Now, let’s get down to business. If you return to normal size, and marry your love — where do you intend to live?

“Why right here of course.” Sir Quincy said this with a flourish of one of his front legs, hitting the hanging light bulb and knocking over the utensil container on the counter. “My apologies. My future bride’s family have been living her for generations! Why would we move?!”

“Well, you see, oh this is awkward…this is my home now, and that’s why I ran that spider bomb yesterday — to get rid of all the spiders I’ve been seeing since I moved in…. Oh My Goodness! Is that why you’re huge?! Because of the chemicals in the spider bomb!??”

“Well, considering I’d been here about a week with no issues and only last night I was enlarged to this preposterous size, I’d say that’s a reasonable speculation.”

“But wait, that stuff was not supposed to make you huge, it was supposed to kill you, no offense! Quincy, you and all the other spiders should be dead today. How did you guys survive?”

“You see, when the fog began yesterday, I thought for sure that we were goners, back in Briton I lost 27 cousins and 14 aunts and uncles to those kinds of contraptions. But when it began yesterday it was as if a fire alarm had been pulled and everyone filed into line… my future wife’s family has been here for a long time, and well, they have built a sort of bunker below the floor and we all hid until the poisons dissipated.” Sir Quincy shared that last part without making eye contact, he felt badly about betraying his future family’s secret, but now also felt it a great impropriety to infringe upon this kind lady’s space. How confusing it was to be a spider asking a human for help when just the day before that same human had tried to kill you and today they agreed to help you.

“Are you kidding me?! I didn’t think spiders were that smart! They’ve been outsmarting us for a long time. No wonder I had to keep getting those spider bombs. I had just assumed it killed the first set of spiders and different spiders came back later on….”

“Well — if that is what ignited the change in you in the first time, then perhaps we need to expose you to another bomb to…

“Wait, stop. Please pause momentarily — you want to expose me to something that is supposed to kill me, in order to return me to my original size? Do you think that will be successful? It feels like quite a gamble.”

“Do you have any other suggestions Sir Quincy?”

Sir Quincy paused, unsure what to suggest — whatever they chose, he didn’t want to risk dying so soon before having the opportunity to wed his love. He certainly couldn’t go through with the wedding while this size, that wouldn’t do at all. Not at all. He pondered the question, wondering what he would choose when suddenly, he had a fantastic idea.

To Be Continued…