War and (Sweet)Peas

Where The Picnic Bites Are (A 'Where The Wild Things Are' Parody)

The day the Beast from the East came and caused mayhem with the British weather, Teen One text a red alert which bluntly said “Operation snowflake”. So Miss Mombie was sent on a quest in the likely event of a non existent Tesco delivery.

That very day in the Valleys, the snow fell. And fell. And fell. Until noses hung with icicles and the whole world panic-bought as the roads froze over.

And Miss Mombie slid here and there, and in and out of the sludge, and almost into a snowdrift to where the Picnic Bites are.

And when Miss Mombie came to the store where the picnic bites are, she bumped into Smug Mum who boasted about her costume design for fudging world book day, and crowed about her flag for fudging St David’s day and gloated about the yellow t shirt for fudging Eisteddfod and reminded Miss Mombie about the fudging 'Spread the Word' festival that was happening the very next day.

Until Miss Mombie spectacularly lost her Twix and yelled “For flakes sake!” and stunned Smug Mum with a manic trick of sweeping every last bag of Picnic Bites into her basket without batting an eyelid.

And smug mum was so gobsmacked, not only did she mutter that Miss Mombie was most definitely the worst mombie of them all, she also had the audacity to call Miss Mombie the fool of all Picnic Bites.

"For the love of chocolate," cried Miss Mombie, "let the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin out!

“All gone!” Miss Mombie said and dropped the picnic bites wrapper into her basket.

And Miss Mombie, fool of all Picnic Bites suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy and wanted to be with the ones who needed her most of all.

Then from the shelves, more sweet treats beckoned and she thought of her family, going cocoa down in the valleys if she were to stay out too long... So she gave up being the fool of where the Picnic Bites are.

But Smug Mum moaned, “Oh please don't go - More the fool you - I can help you.

And Miss Mombie said "no".

Smug Mum blithered on about her costume design for fudging world book day, and bragged more about her flag for fudging St David’s day and bickered too much about the yellow t shirt for fudging Eisteddfod and reminded Miss Mombie yet again about the fudging 'Spread the Word' festival that was happening the very next day.

So Miss Mombie walked out the door - after giving a two finger, Kitkat salute.

And slid here and there, and in and out of the sludge, and through a snow drift and disappeared headlong into the Beast from the East where she found solace in the depths of another bag of Picnic Bites.

And this was pure joy not to be shared.

The Very Green Gardener (A 'Very Hungry Caterpillar' Parody)

In the height of Spring madness, Miss Mombie stood helplessly in her concrete jungle of a garden.

One Sunday afternoon, between mouthfuls of chocolate parfait and pinot - VOILA! - ideas for a garden project were born (which were most certainly rather ambitious for a helpless and very green gardener).

On Monday she built one raised flowerbed. But for the love of Galaxy Bites, the skills needed in garden carpentry? You could say she nailed it.

On Tuesday she sawed two, old, car tyres in half to make a funky, Sweet Pea planter. But sure as Twix, was she tired? What an understatement.

On Wednesday she adorned the garden with three solar powered lights. But talk about Milky Bar madness - during the cold light of day, let there be extra light and nothing at night?!

On Thursday she used four tiles to create a table top for an old pallet. But she couldn’t Bounty believe it... when not one but two of the fudging tiles promptly cracked.

On Friday she spent what felt like five hundreds and thousands of hours with her sharpies, designing an outdoor, tabletop, board game. But sweet Mondelez, Mother of Cadbury. Seeing snakes with a touch of the sun? A deadly combination.

On Saturday she despondently witnessed six of her snakes slide and vanish. But for Flakes sake, Why? According to the Gospel of Instagram, Sharpies and varnish go together like chocolate and marshmallows...

On Sunday she planted some butterfly mix, some Buddleja, some Aquilegia Black Barlow, some Echinops ritro Viechs, some Dianthus Deltoides, some Erica Carnea, some Genista Lydia, some Alyssum Saxatile, some Jasminum nudiflorum and some Rudbeckia Goldstrum.

That afternoon, she hadn’t got a fudging clue if her shoots were roots or the roots were shoots (much to the amusement of her giggling, green fingered neighbour).

The next day was Monday again. Her garden was looking lovelier than ever and that made her feel happy. Now she didn’t feel quite so helpless anymore - and she wasn't a green gardener anymore.

She was a green fingered gardener!

To celebrate, she drank more pinot and ate more chocolate parfait – French for perfect, did you know.

She carefully looked after her plants for more than two weeks.

The next morning, she couldn’t believe her eyes.

Her beautiful, raised flowerbed looked like a scene from the film Tremors (Where was Kevin Bacon when she needed him?) that had been attacked by an enormous, burrowing, worm-like creature...

... The neighbour's twixing cat - who obviously thought "what's better than the perfect poo palace other than a beautiful, freshly soiled, raised flowerbed?"

Parfait. Bloody parfait.