Unknown and Alone

I have not been home since 8 am Thursday. Have not been physically outside since 10:30 am Thursday. Went to a regular check up appointment and was told they didn’t want to risk anything so they sent me here. They didn’t even tell me what they are trying not to “risk”.

Got admitted at 11. Was not given any news until 1. Not that the news matters. I’m sure it’s not true.

Randomly got a blood pressure spike on Thursday night. Never had blood pressure problems before in my life. The things that are happening to my body are not normal.

Was told by a few people I could leave Sunday maybe. Found out in the middle of the night Saturday that typically never happens. I do not think I am ever going to leave.

Stressed because I’m in an unfamiliar environment. Can’t sleep through the night. There is a constant flow of people.

The nursing shift changes every few hours so you can’t get used to anyone.

He has been able to come and go. They won’t let me leave with him. I’m jealous that he can sleep in a familiar bed.

He says he is supporting me. Advocating. But he’s the one who brought me here. He agrees that I can’t go home. Is he a part of this? Was this some grand scheme all along to get me here?

Can’t walk around the hallways to stretch out and move because of restrictions.

I have not left this room since Saturday. There is a window, so I can see morning, afternoon, night. Dusk to dawn. Not that it’s much of a view. It’s a view of the too half of the next building. And the road right below it.

From this point, I cannot even tell what floor I am on. I just know it is high up. Too high to try and climb out. Not that I would even risk that.

I have had unplugged IVs in my hand for days that I keep being told will be taken out and then told never mind because they aren’t sure about my blood pressure. I don’t think it is my blood pressure. I just think they want to keep pumping things into me. Substances that all look the same and are doing things to my body, my limbs and organs. To my mind.

They keep having to be taped down and everyone comments how unfortunate it is since they are in my wrist and they really aren’t being used. They are trying to assure me everything I going to be alright. But I know they are sneaking in at night when they think I am asleep. I hear them whispering harshly to each other as they pass by. They are planning something.

Moving hurts. I’m not fast anymore. My movements are slow. I waddles when I walk. I have to convince my muscles they are not stretched to their limits. Even standing up or sitting/laying down feels like so much work. They said physical therapy will help. But I haven’t even started that yet. I think they need me to stay weak and immobile. Easier to prevent me from trying to run.

As far as I know, I’m the only one around. Two nights ago, a loud scream was cut short. I hope that person is okay. They are probably in the same situation that I am. This could be a prison just for me.

I need to get out of here. But they won’t let me. What did I do to deserve this? I need to get out of here.