Till Death Does Us Part

The world felt darker than it was a week ago. Your side of the bed was still unmade from the last morning you got out of it. It's been a week and I still can't find myself to get back into those warm, soft covers you loved so. I still remember the last time you laid in it; you pulled my body in closer to yours, begging for me to just stay in and spend the rest of the day cuddling you.

"It's our one year anniversary," you told me, "Let's just stay in and celebrate together. Just you and me."

Why didn't I just give in? Why didn't I just accept? I seriously decided that work was more important than celebrating an anniversary with the man I loved. If I never decided to leave the bed.. if I just chose to stay in and be with you.. maybe you would probably still be here with me today. I wouldn't have to celebrate the one year anniversary of our wedding day grieving over the man I thought was going to be my forever. I let you down, Rufus. I can't help but blame my own self for pushing you towards the outcome of what was the come.

That day started off so great. We were so happy, you and I. You kept reminding me to not come back home until my best friend, Hana, was ready to take me back. I just assumed you were planning a huge surprise party and managed to convince Hana to help you do the transporting. You and your surprises. You gave me a quick peck on the cheek before letting me walk out our door, whispering in my ear the very last I love you I'd ever get to hear you say.

Work started off as any other day. My boss was driving me up the walls, paperwork was piling up throughout the day, and I just minded me own business as I waited out the time for the clock to strike 5:00. I just wanted to get back home and bury myself into your arms.

The day started to shift at lunchtime. Hana and I were just starting to head out to our favorite little deli right around the corner when my boss touched me on the shoulder. "Madelaine?" I remember her voice sounding off from when I last spoke to her hours before.

"Hana and I are going on our lunch break," I didn't even turn around to face her, "Just leave whatever paperwork you have for me on my desk and I'll look at it once we come back." Oh Rufus, you would've probably been so upset at me for the way I spoke to her.. I didn't even sound like myself. I just wanted to get this day over with so I could go straight home to you.

"Madelaine," she sighed, "You might want to take the rest of the day off."

"Did Rufus call you, too?" I asked so nonchalantly.

"Madelaine." The tone in her voice had completely changed by now, "You must have had your work phone as the emergency contact number but Rufus is currently at Serge Medical."

My heart stopped. The world suddenly darkened. "Oh my god," I gasped, "How is it? Is he going to be okay? What happened? Why he is-"

"That's all I know, Madelaine. But you can take the rest of the day off and go check up on him and-"

I didn't even wait. I ran out to my car and headed off to the hospital before Hana even had a chance to catch up. I never even bothered to put on the seatbelt, I just pressed on the gas and went straight down to the hospital as fast as I could. A new thought popped into my head every second I wasn't at your bedside.

What happened?

What's wrong?

Why did it have to be you?

Why did it have to be today?

Not even a second after I pulled into an empty space in the hospital parking lot, I ran through the doors and went straight to reception.

"I got a call," I answered before the receptionist even had a chance to hand me any paperwork to fill out, "I'm here for a patient, Rufus Pazaman."

"Alright," She pointed me towards a pair of doors that led down a long hallway, "If you could just walk down that hallway there, you will find another desk with nurses that can help get you the information you are waiting for."

I ran straight down the long hallway towards the other nurses' desk. "I got a call," I repeated, completely out of breath, "I'm here to see a patient."

"Name?"

"Rufus Pazaman."

The nurse stopped writing to look up at me.

"Can I please see him?" I asked her.

"Ma'am."

"Can I please see him?" I asked again, afraid of what she could possibly say next.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am." She started to say.

No.

"Rufus Pazaman was dead on arrival."

My heart shattered. "That can't be." I answered softly.

"I'm so sorry," She stood up to hand me off to one of the doctors standing behind her, "He'll be able to take you over to say your goodbyes. Once again, I am so sorry ma'am."

No. My legs felt like jelly with every step closer to his room. No. He can't be dead. Out of all days, he cannot be dead today. No. My body collapsed to the ground. No. No. He can't. Tears began to fall down my cheeks as the doctor carried me into his hospital room and placed me in a chair that sat next to his bed.

"I'll let you have all the time you need." said the doctor before he closed the door behind him.

"Please wake back up." One of my tears landed on his cheek as I ran my hand across, "I'm not ready to say goodbye."