Therapy Session

The therapist finished reading about the new patient he was about to see. As he shuffled his papers onto his clipboard, he stood and made his way to the door. Opening it slowly, he looked around the lobby to see a man sitting rigidly. His right leg bounced with anxiety and he was wringing his hands.

“Hello, here for Dr. Adler?” the therapist asked. The man shot out of his seat.

“Yes, yes. Dr. Adler.” The man walked over to the therapist and shook his hand. The therapist took note of how clammy it was.

The therapist motioned for the man to enter his office and closed the door. The man took a cautious seat on the gray sofa as the therapist sat in the matching gray armchair across from him.

“Well, as I’m sure you gathered, I’m Dr. James Adler. You can call me whatever you’d like though, even Jim is good. Whatever makes you feel the most comfortable,” Dr. Adler smiled. The man gave a nervous grin with darting eyes in response.

“Thanks, I think I’ll stick with Dr. Adler for now,” he said, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants.

“Of course. Robin is it? I’ve read over your information you provided our clinic. You said you are experiencing major anxiety and even noted issues with your self-identity?” Dr. Adler pushed his glasses up his nose and looked at the man.

“Yes, I would say that’s all still accurate. I’m just, so conflicted lately. I can’t sleep, I’m having a hard time remembering things. Everytime I’m alone I just feel consumed by my thoughts.” Robin leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and cradled his head in his hands. “I just…I just need someone to tell me what to do.”

Dr. Adler wrote a few quick scribbles on his notepad. “I see. Well Robin, I am here to help, but I cannot tell you what to do. I can suggest things to help and we can talk through what’s going on to get some clarity. Does that sound like something you are wanting to explore?” he said.

Robin looked at Dr. Adler, already feeling the smallest bit relieved. “Yes, that sounds great. I would like to talk things out and get your advice.”

Dr. Adler smiled. “Sounds like we might be able to work well together then! So, tell me what’s been going on?”

Robin rubbed his hands together and leaned back, resting his head on the back of the sofa. He closed his eyes, facing the ceiling. “I’ve always tried to be a good person. I try to help those who are in need. I guess more specifically, those who are low on money. The ones you see wearing tattered clothes, scrounging up change to buy a loaf of bread. I feel like it’s my duty to help them.” Robin brought his head down and looked at Dr. Adler. “But lately, I feel like I’m not making a good difference. I know I’m making a difference, but…but it doesn’t feel like I’m helping anymore.”

Dr. Adler wrote down a few notes and looked up from his pad. “Why do you think the difference you’re making isn’t good?”

Robin sighed. “I don’t know. I feel like when I help one person, I’m making it worse for another.”

Dr. Adler raised his eyebrow. “Oh? How so? Why do you think helping one person will take from another?”

“Because that’s what I do! I spend my days stealing from the rich to give to the needy. The rich have more than enough to get by, most of the time they don’t even notice some money or jewelry is missing.” Robin sighed again. Dr. Adler put down his notepad and looked at Robin with confusion.

“Wait, I’m sorry. You said you steal?” he asked.

Robin nodded solemnly. “Yes, I steal. They have so much excess, why should they have it all? A couple crumpled hundreds shoved into their wallet means nothing to them. They don’t even care enough to flatten them out! But that money to someone with nothing? It means they don’t have to sleep on the street for a night. They can eat a full meal. They can buy some new clothes. They could get a haircut, shower. It could change their life.” Robin’s speech sped up and grew louder as he became more agitated. “You should see the people I help. They are so appreciative. They thank me profusely, some even cry.”

Dr. Adler wrote a few more lines. “It sounds like you have created a narrative where–even though you are committing crimes–you are doing it for the greater good. In your mind, you are doing a service to those less fortunate.” He shifted in his seat and leaned forward toward Robin. “So, why do you think it’s making the wrong difference?”

“Lately I’ve been considering the other side of things. Like, if someone took from me, I would be furious. And I want to help, but I’m not helping those I’m stealing from.” Robin shook his head fervently. “If I’m helping one person but hindering another, is it actually for the greater good?”

“I see,” Dr. Adler nodded as he held Robin’s gaze. “You are becoming aware that maybe taking from others, even to help another, isn’t the best way to go about it. Have you considered…you don’t have to steal?”

Robin sat up straighter, hands balled into fists. “But that’s who I am! Those who know me know that I take from the rich and give to the poor! If I didn’t do that, who am I?”

Dr. Adler considered his next words. He could see Robin was really struggling with his dilemma. “How long have you been doing this?” he asked.

Robin looked to the ceiling, trying to remember when he started. “I guess I started stealing when I was about 15. I started trying to be an advocate for the less fortunate after I saw a couple kids begging for change in the village streets. I asked them how much they needed and they told me just enough to buy a warm meal. They said they hadn’t eaten in three days and the younger child was growing weak. I didn’t have any money on me, but I knew I was crafty. I told them I could get them a meal, and they could keep the small amount of change they had. They could use it later. So I walked to the next street over where the market was. I stealthily picked a few apples, a big pastry, and a couple bell peppers. No one noticed. I got a kind of…thrill from being able to sneakily take those things. I circled back to the street they were on and produced my haul.” Robin ran a shaky hand through his hair. “The look on their little faces. I’ll never forget it. Their eyes were wide and the older of the two fought back tears. It was that moment that made me realize how much good I could do. How I could help others.”

He leaned back and rested his head on the sofa again. He sniffled and wiped at his nose, an indication he was trying not to cry. Dr. Adler wrote down a few more observations before speaking. “That’s amazing. I can imagine how full your heart was when you saw them enjoying the food.”

Robin continued to stare at the ceiling. “It was amazing. They were so happy for so little.”

Dr. Adler tapped his pen on his notepad. “So when did you transition to stealing from people directly?” he asked.

“It was about a year later,” Robin said. He looked at Dr. Adler with a mix of remorse and fondness. “Some jerk was harassing an older man who was just trying to take a nap in the park. The old man wasn’t bothering anyone, he was lying on a tattered old blanket under a tree. This jerk started yelling at him that he was a waste of space, he didn’t do anything to contribute to society. He took out a bunch of money and waved it in the old man’s face, telling him if he got a job he could have money like him. It was infuriating. I watched as the man stuffed the bills hastily into his pocket as he continued to berate the now frightened old man.

“I casually walked by and picked his pocket. He didn’t feel me yank out the bills. The older man looked at me with wide eyes. I winked at him and continued by. Once the jerk had worn himself out, he smugly strolled away and out of the park. When I saw him down the street, I went to the old man and handed him the cash. At first, he didn’t want to take it. He was afraid that if the man noticed his money was missing, he would storm back over and beat him. I assured him it would be okay, I even offered to walk with him to the market. He cautiously accepted the bills, staring at them as if they were giant diamonds.

“We talked as we made our way to the market. He told me his wife had died a year prior and in that time, his grief and depression consumed him. He was unable to go to work. He lost his job. He couldn’t pay his bills so he lost his home. He had been trying to take naps in the daytime and stay vigilant at night so he would feel a little safer. He had been going to parks to look for scraps of food people may have left behind. It broke my heart. When we reached the market, he thanked me over and over, gripping my hands tightly. He said in the last year, I was the only person who showed him any kindness.” Robin wiped his eyes.

“I can see how that might change your frame of mind,” Dr. Adler said. “It would be hard to think the jerk didn’t deserve to be stolen from. Especially waving his wealth around while being antagonistic.” He shifted in his seat. “So why did you start to consider the people you are stealing from?”

Robin looked at Dr. Adler and shook his head slightly as his eyes slid to the floor. “I’ve been doing this for years now. Nearly 10 years. I’ve helped anyone I could. When I started, I sort of vetted the people I would steal from. I tried to make sure they were both rich and bad people. I spent a couple hours watching them to make sure I had the right mark.” He grimaced. “But…I don’t know, after a while, I stopped caring so much. I started to revel in the glory I received. I began taking from anyone that was nearby, so the person I was helping had instant gratification. It was selfish of me, though. The feeling was mutual. The moment their eyes lit up, I began to swell with such pleasure. A pleasure that stemmed from myself, that I was ‘doing something good’. But I was beginning to do it for the recognition…” he trailed off.

“So, what made you stop and take notice?” Dr. Adler prodded.

Robin suddenly sat rigid again. Dr. Adler jotted down the sudden physical change at question. They both sat quiet for a few minutes.

“If you want to understand why you are feeling such strong anxiety and want to get a better perspective on who you are, you need to talk about it,” Dr. Adler said gently.

With a sigh, Robin spoke up again. “About a month ago, I saw a young woman and her toddler emerging from beneath a bridge. Her hair was matted and the toddler’s clothes were soiled with the dirty river water. I knew I needed to help them. With my chest puffed up I hurried behind the first person I saw. I noticed he was carrying a large grocery bag full of expensive goods. He wore a nice jacket and his cane looked like it was made of cherry wood with a silver handle. I didn’t even think, I was already taking the money from his pocket. Once I had a handful of bills I walked over to the mother and son. I handed her the money and watched as their eyes lit up and felt my head swell. We said our goodbyes and I turned to leave. I looked up the street and saw the man I stole from. He had set down his grocery bag on a picnic table near the river. I watched as a few thin, tired people came over to him. They sat at the table as he pulled out food and prepared a meal for them. I don’t know what it was, but I could tell they were homeless. Something in their worn faces showed a sadness only those who have been through that kind of struggle can feel.”

Dr. Adler had set his pen down and was clutching his notepad harshly. He was trying to keep his composure, but Robin’s story was getting to him. “So you inadvertently stole from others that were in need,” he said quietly.

Robin’s head bobbed up and down as he nodded solemnly. “I did. I took money from people who needed it. I took money from someone who was also trying to help.” His eyes shut and a small tear streamed down his cheek. “The man I stole from, it was the old man I had helped in the park years ago. I walked up to the group of men and the man who had the nice jacket and fancy cane recognized me. He hobbled around the table to embrace me. He told me that the day I had helped him in the park changed his life. He took my kindness and the money and rented a small motel room. He was able to get restful sleep for the first time in many months. In the morning, he took a long shower and went to main street.

“He walked into the accounting firm he had lost his job at and sat down with his previous manager. They talked for two hours as he explained what had happened, from his wife’s sudden death to the day just before, when he met me. His manager told him he had no idea all of that was going on and apologized that they had to let him go. He offered him a bookkeeping position right then, his manager told him he could start training the next day.

“After that, he was able to get his life back on track. With steady income again, he was able to stay at the motel for a couple months. After a while he was able to rent a small apartment. Since he had lived in the streets before, he knew to put money away. He became so persistent that one day when he checked his accounts, he almost fell over. He had more money than he had saved even when with his wife. After that, he opened a separate account. He used the new one to help others. He took out money every week and bought food and clothing for anyone who needed it. He was making a good difference.”

Robin let his hands fall into his lap as he slumped against the sofa. Dr. Adler was stunned and couldn’t think of anything to say. After a moment, he cleared his throat. “Your kindness was able to spread to others,” he said. “Don’t you think that is still a good difference?”

Robin shook his head. “How many people have I taken from that were like him though? How many people did I steal from just because they ‘appeared’ to be rich? To be unappreciative of all the privileges they had?” Robin’s voice lowered. “Who am I to say I am helping anyone when I don’t know who I’m taking from?”

Dr. Adler sat in silence, his watch ticking was the only sound. He checked the time. “Robin, I’m so sorry to say, but this session’s time is over. Unfortunately I have another patient after you, otherwise I would say we could continue.”

Robin nodded and stood up, his shoulders slumped forward. “That’s okay, I understand. I don’t want to take up their time. I don’t want to take anything from anyone anymore.” He walked to the door, held the knob for a moment, then walked out. The door shut behind him as Dr. Adler tried to prepare his notes for his next appointment.