The What-ifs of Falling in Love
Lorelei wonders about all the things that hold her back from pursuing a relationship
Under the circumstances, Lorelei probably should have been more worried about things then she was, but at the end of the day, she had just felt so numb to everything around her. And in a lot of ways, feeling this empty hurt, but in others ways, it somewhat protected her from being hurt anymore than she already have.
And that's the biggest thing keeping her from pursuing something more serious with Kiva. Was she in love? Maybe? There was something very deep about her connection with Kiva, most definitely so much deeper than the feelings she held for most of her friends with benefits. However, she couldn't let herself get too attached because then that pain would come back so much stronger and so much more persistent than it has in the past. And that thought frightened Lorelei to her core.
Thoughts like, what if things don't work out? What if she rejects her? What if they're just not on the same page about things? What if Kiva gets to know her more and grows to hate her. What if she finds out her appreciation for Kiva came from a lack of understanding her? What if Kiva abandons her the moment things get hard?
Lorelei is a lot of things, but easy is not one of them. Lorelei could be a very hard person to get along with at times. Hell, sometimes Lorelei hated herself so much that she flies off the handle. Lorelei is not an easy person to love and she knows that at the very least. She knows how are it is to know her and she acknowledges that. Ultimately any serious relationship with her would end in absolute disaster. Its such a shame honestly, because of course Lorelei wanted so desperately to be loved by someone... to not be lonely anymore. She wanted so badly to spend the rest of her life with someone who loved her the same way she loved them.
And it was very easy to imagine herself with Kiva. Fucking hell, Lorelei truly was in love with her wasn't she? What on earth could this even mean? What on earth could any of this mean? Was she really in love with Kiva? Honestly, even entertaining the thought that Lorelei was actually in love with her really fucked with her even more. Even just the goddamn thought that Lorelei was in love hurt her in her soul because she knew nothing could ever work out. She knew this for a fact.
She was mentally ill, an alcoholic, a whore... She was an unlovable, miserable piece of shit. Sure, you could tell her all you want that everyone deserved love, that she deserved love... but ultimately in her heart she felt so strongly that she didn't deserve any of that at all. Because how on earth could someone like her even be deserving of such a wonderful thing. How could anyone love someone like her when she hated herself so thoroughly.
Maybe its enough to just keep Kiva in her life? Keep having sex with her? Keep being a close friend to her? Being her training partner? Of course that was enough! And much better than the alternative. Much better than taking a chance on trying to establish a more formal romantic relationship, that's for sure. Trying to be anything more than a friend was risky and not worth all the potential loss. What if she got uncomfortable after Lorelei confessed to her? What if things just got too weird, right? There was no way this could go well, trying to tell her you love her.
God, relationships are just so hard, so its better to just not try at all isn't it?