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The Vicious Cycle

By: Deanna Williams

By Deanna WilliamsPublished 3 years ago 10 min read
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It was around fifth grade when Lisa began to notice that she did not fit in with the rest of the kids. She had heard a group of her friends whispering about one of their birthday parties that was going on that weekend. As she walked up they all stopped talking and some were awkwardly hiding their invitations in their note books. Lisa thought hmm they must have forgotten to give me my invitation, and so she happily asks her friend Jamie when the party was. Jamie looked down at the ground, and said well Lisa I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but you’re not invited. Lisa could not even control the look of shock on her face, as the words why not fell from her lips. Jamie said well it’s a pool party you see, and Lisa quickly interrupted and said that’s ok I love to swim. All of the girls in the group looked at each other with an uncomfortable expression upon their face. Jamie stuttered a bit as she said well you are too big to wear a bathing suit so we just wanted to save you the embarrassment. Just then the bell rang for them to get to class, and all the girls ran off in different directions.

Sliding down the locker in the hallway Lisa looked down at her stomach as it spilled over her jeans. She felt a heat flash through her body, and her cheeks burned with shame. Why do I look like this she thought, why can’t I just be skinny like all of them? Just as she sat there having her first mental breakdown of many, the lunch lady rounded the corner. She stopped in her tracks, and said sweet heart what is wrong? Nothing Lisa snapped back, it only sounded sharp because she was embarrassed and fighting back tears. The lunch lady leaned down, and said I think I know what will cheer you up. She reached her hands out and helped pull Lisa to her feet, and said come on dear and follow me. The lunch lady led her into the back of the kitchen, a place where Lisa had never been before. She pulled out a box opened it up to reveal a huge chocolate cake, and she said do you like milk? Lisa shook her head yes, and she stared at that delicious looking cake as the lady poured her milk and sliced a huge piece of cake for her. She said now sweet heart you eat this cake and drink this milk, and tell me what is wrong. Lisa began telling the lunch lady all about what the other girls said, and the lunch lady offered her words of positivity. Nothing in that moment mattered, Lisa could feel her sadness numb away and all she could feel was the happiness that danced across her taste buds. Instead of her swallowing the cake it felt like the cake was swallowing away all of her sadness and problems.

As the years went on and Lisa went through the grades one by one passing along, she never had friends again. She never even tried to have friends again since that day in the hall way. Every time she saw other people having fun, and she thought about joining in she would remember you’re too big to be with the other people. She would often walk away from that moment, and go into her back pack and eat something delicious and sweet. It worked every time; every time she ate something she loved it took that feeling away. She would down a cupcake and think I don’t need them, I got you and she would devour every morsel of that cake. Now that she was becoming an adult the only people she had in her life was her family, but she had lots of food in her life. Her family seemed to love her, but she had resentment towards them because she blamed them for her being fat. If it wasn’t for their genes they passed on to her she would have never been big she would think. Lisa would think about what her life would have been like if she would have had skinny parents, and how different she would be then. How all the other people would accept her, and want to be around her.

She got a job working at a local super market where she was a cashier, and she hated it. She hated it, because she felt like every customer would look at her in disgust for being fat. She was always adjusting her shirt to try to make it look bigger so it would cover up the rolls that fell out. Some people were polite to her, and some people were rude to her but no matter what at the end of the day she could erase all of their judgments with one meal.

One day a man came through her line and he smiled at her, and asked her name. She said Lisa as she nervously looked down at the items she was ringing up for him. Do you want these flowers in a bag she asked the man? He smiled at her and said well I think if you put them in a bag they will die before you get them home. Confused at his wording she said before I get them home? Yes Lisa I bought them for you, you should read the card. Still very confused and waiting for him to start laughing at her because she was beginning to believe they were for her. She began to read the card, and it said I have seen you in here for a while, and your smile has made me fall for you. I was wondering if you would go on a date with me. Lisa looked up again expecting the man to have already run off laughing at the prank he pulled on her, but he was standing there with that same goofy smile on his face. You are asking me out on like a date Lisa asked? Of course I am said the man, and I am hoping you are going to agree to it. He held his hand out to shake hers and said Lisa my name is Dan, and I would be honored if you would go on a date with me. After standing there stunned for a few minutes a smile breaks free onto her face, and she said well Dan I would love that. They exchanged numbers, and Dan went off on his way. Lisa spent the rest of the night at work smiling at her flowers.

In the beginning life with Dan had become so amazing, and things were going great. She found herself needing food less and less during that time of her life. She had two kids in the first three years of their relationship when things were going good, but over time Dan started to change. He started to drink more, and he was growing a wicked temper. Sometimes when he would get mad at her he would push her or raise his hand like he was going to hit her. He would tell her that no one else would want her, and that she was always just going to be the fat girl. When he would leave for work she would have a hard time even getting herself out of bed. She would lay there in her pajamas and cry thinking about how she was too fat for Dan to love her any more. She began to go back to food to help her ease the pain of the rejection. It was like a vicious cycle she would get depressed and cry, because she hated herself for being fat. Then she would turn to food and it would make her feel better, but it was what was causing her to be fat. She felt her self falling into a downward spiral, and had no idea how she could ever stop it. Her depression had taken over to the point that she kept her kids home from school so they could cook and clean so that Dan would not be mad when he got home. Life had gotten to a really bad low and there just seemed to be no end to it.

One day Lisa went into the bathroom to take a shower after Dan had left for work. She looked in the mirror with disgust, and saw all the words that Dan had said to her the night before were true. He told her she was a fat, lazy, slob, and that no man other than him would ever even be able to stomach looking at her. She had tears pouring down her cheeks, and she looked at the bottle of prescription pain killers her Doctor had given her sitting on the counter. She opened the bottle and she emptied the bottle into her hand, she held her mouth under the faucet as she took handfuls at a time. She got into the shower, and sat on her shower chair, letting the water fall over her skin, she could feel it washing her away.

Lisa woke up in a hospital room two days later she saw her daughter sleeping on the chair by her bed. Her daughter jumped up at the sight of her movement, and she yelled mommy and ran over to hug her. Lisa still in a daze, and confused about where she was and why she was there hugged her daughter back. This little twelve year old girl was a strong girl, and she could see the pain in her eyes. Lisa asked her sweetie what is going on why am I here? The little girl had big crocodile tears well up in her eyes as she said you don’t remember mama? I heard a loud crash in the bathroom, and I was banging on the door, when you didn’t answer I picked the lock and went in. You were lying on the ground with water running everywhere, and your lips were blue. I was so scared mommy, and I ran to the phone and called 911. They got there and I heard them say you had overdosed and they took you away. The police called daddy, and he was very mad when he got home. He packed all of his stuff, and left so I and Billie went we are staying at Aunties house until you get better. Lisa fought back her tears, and was ready to start over and create a new life for her and her children.

She went many years working hard and struggling to get through life. Lisa would work hard and lose weight, but that food always called her back. She kept getting bigger and bigger, it never seemed to matter how much she would try. The sadness would kick in, and the food would follow it to make things better. She had gotten so big that she was no longer able to get out of bed, and her family had to take care of her. They were strict with her diet, but they never understood why she needed the food. Once she lost enough weight to be able to walk she would sneak out of her room at night and eat. She would eat and it would make everything feel better, it would swallow her loneliness down. One night she had snuck out and was getting a big piece of chocolate cake out of the pan when she thought she heard someone coming. She shoved the piece in her mouth, and tried to swallow, but as the panic set in she realized it was stuck. She was choking now. It was hours later that her family found her cold and dead lying on the kitchen floor. The chocolate cake had finished her vicious cycle, and it had won. She was finally laid to rest in peace.

Short Story
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About the Creator

Deanna Williams

I have always loved to write, and I have always wished I could find a way to make writing a career. I am self taught, and I will continue to learn new skills. I look forward to growing my writing skills and learning from fellow writers.

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