The Triptych: Fear

DARKNESS, Sudden and complete DARKNESS…

The power has gone out suddenly in the middle of watching a show, the whole house is dark and quiet, the hum of fridges and televisions silenced by the sudden outage. I freeze in my chair, no sound from my lips, not moving a muscle, as I listen for them.

Someone’s cut the power, I think.

They’re going to breach the house and kill me.

That’s how the brain works, when triggered by a base fear all sorts of strange and obscure thoughts will pop in and nothing you can do will stop them churning about in the mind like butter. When someone tries to tell you that it’s all in your head and you shouldn’t be scared, you know they don’t understand what true fear is. It is with you at all times, it never sleeps, it never stops, it never leaves. Not until you are in such a state of fear that dream and reality begin to blend and warp together, so you’re never sure where you are or if things are real.

Memories flashback to a recurring nightmare of childhood, the night is dark, and the backyard seems full of threats, dangers, and fear brought to life. The movement of the trees in the low breeze, the scratching and scuttling of something out there, the yard is so big the back can’t be seen in the dark. But I know… I feel… There is something out there, waiting to come out. A few more steps and I reach the little shack that houses our one and only toilet, growing up with an outdoor toilet was normal, it was just how it was. However as the fear began to grow inside me, affirming its grip, having to go out into the cold dark night to go to the toilet became increasingly hard. The normal tactic was to walk carefully to the shack, do what needed to be done, and then run back inside and lock the glass sliding door as quickly as possible before whatever it was out there got me.

This time something caught my notice as I made to run back, and in that moment I froze in place, bare feet standing on the cold concrete, looking out to the yard, and the tall trees throughout, around the extra piece of yard that ran behind other neighbours' fences, it came. The branches in the trees swayed as it pushed them from its path, heading straight for me, the gnarled fang-like teeth, the yellow eyes, the small snout-like nose all sitting on a pasty face, head and body covered in a thick layer of black fur. It came for me. The Gorax was coming right for me, its fur-matted hand reached out as it bent slightly to get me, there was nothing I could do...

The cold sweat I feel on my forehead still dripped as I bolted upright in bed, now more and more slowly unsure what just startled me awake, or if I’m even glad to be awake. I first saw Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure when I was around five, being a film based on the Ewoks from Star Wars my parents didn’t see the risk or think it would be a problem, but the last ten minutes or so when the Gorax makes its terrifying appearance, scarred my mind. Possibly permanently...

Almost thirty years later, he still comes for me at night. I don’t live there anymore, I don’t have outside toilets anymore, but he still comes for me.

Once we bond with Fear, he never leaves us…