The last episode

I raised my blaster and pointed at the silhouette on the floor. The cloak that made him look like shadows was rugged now, but it was still hiding his face. He looked up at me, at least I think he did.

The throne room was trashed, the cold wind whistled in and out the broken windows, and a few meters from me a flag was slowly smouldering away. The throne itself was cut in half, clean cut from a laser beam I shot.

This was it. After all these years, after losing Sally, after getting stuck in World War IV for an entire year, I finally had him in front of my blaster. The moment of truth.

‘You’ve never killed anyone, have you?’ he said, infuriatingly cheerfully. ‘It’s not as easy as it looks, Mr DeWitt.’

I raised the blaster a little and it clanked like some old revolver being loaded. I rolled my eyes. Just why would a laser pistol clatter like that?

‘Killing you will prevent a war in which billions would die!’ I replied, fiery. ‘I’ve been in the future. I saw it!’

He laughed and shook his head slowly. You might as well do a slow, sarcastic clap, pal. Snarky supervillain 101.

‘That’s what your grandmother told you, anyway. That I was the one causing the war. Now, Barnabas, the way I see it, you have two options. You can shoot me right here and now, or you can learn the truth.’

I lowered my weapon a little. I think shooting him would have had a better effect, but it wasn’t what they wrote.

‘I know the truth!’ I yelled then, stepping forward. The blaster almost touched his forehead now, the shadows obscuring his face were reaching out to touch the cold metal like dozens of tiny tentacles. ‘In 2267 you and your merry band of murderers attack Atlantis. The elves, thinking that the strike came from the Council of Wizards, launch a counter-attack, destroying most of London. The Brit Empire attacks Atlantis and the Samurai Conglomerate sides with them. As a reaction, the Second Soviet Union send its fleet to put the Conglomerate under a blockade. The United Cities of Moon declares neutrality but Switzerland nukes them anyway, God knows why, it was never really explained. American sorcerers trying to raise a mount on their southern border to keep themselves safe from the New Aztec Empire but accidentally breaks the continent. Okay, that one is on them, actually, but everything else is your fault! By the end of the war, half of humanity is dead and what remains of the environment isn’t even enough to keep the survivors alive.’

He looked at me and I could almost see his face under the shadows. Almost. All these years, I was wondering who was hiding under the hood, and just now did I realize that it must be someone I knew. Otherwise why would he be hiding?

‘As per usual, you believe your grandmother without asking the important questions.’

‘And what is the important question here?’ I asked, mocking his ridiculous British accent.

‘What is the most important question since the dawn of time?’ he replied. ‘Ask me why. Ask me why I’m going to had Atlantis attacked.’

I hesitated, mostly because I was trying to figure out if he used the right tense. Time travel messes up grammar big time.

‘Ask me!’ he thundered abruptly and I almost shot him. Why do villains always have to do this sudden shouting bit? We know they are unhinged, they are villains. So unnecessary.

‘Fine, fine! Jesus Christ. Why did you… Will you… Would you attack Atlantis?’

He straightened up to gain some posture. It was a neat trick considering he was laying on the floor.

‘I did it,’ he said, and I swear to god I could almost hear the sad, dramatic music, ‘I did it to rescue my loved ones.’

I frowned. That’s it? I was expecting something with a little more… Substance. Something that packs a punch.

‘Oookay,’ I nodded slowly. ‘That’s… Yeah, I mean, sure, who wouldn’t do the same? But you then became a merciless warlord. So it doesn't really matter why you did… Will do… Whatever. Point is, nothing changed.’

‘The elves kidnapped my family,’ he continued as if he didn’t hear me. ‘My mother, my wife, and my newborn son. As we escaped they killed my wife… So I destroyed them. I made sure their disgusting race will never see the sun again.’

I had a bad feeling about this. Mother, wife, and son…

‘I can see on your face that you finally understand the truth, Barnabas,’ he said, and the shadows melted away, revealing his face. I took a step back. I knew that face. It was very similar to my own, with a slightly bigger nose and different eyes. A face from my past. A face I first saw on a faded polaroid.

‘No,’ I said. ‘Impossible!’

He slowly climbed to his feet. He was barely taller than me. With the shadows gone, he was just wearing Jeans and a checkered red shirt.

‘You know it’s the truth,’ he said in a deep voice. ‘That baby… It was you. I attack Atlantis to save you. Barnabas… I am your father.’

I dropped my arm, the blaster fell from my grip. I took a deep breath.

‘No, I mean it. It’s impossible. Doesn’t make any sense. Who the fuck wrote this garbage? I mean, Star Wars much? How could he be my father? He killed me on the alternate timeline in season three. I went back in time and tried to save my father from the car accident right after the pilot episode. It was emotional and set up the rules of time travel! No, guys, I am not doing this. This is bullshit.’

I marched to the throne’s podium and throw myself on the steps. The battle outside was raging on, spaceships and magic-fueled airships were whizzing around the castle, hunting one another. Being a character on TV isn’t easy. Whatever stupid thing the writers make up will inevitably happen to you. Need drama? Kill off his girlfriend. Need some comic relief? Make him act super dumb. Make him fall out of his bed, or forget to wear pants. Anything for a cheap laugh, it’s only his life, after all.

‘You knew this?’ I asked the guy, my father, looking up. ‘Like… How long?’

He shrugged, hands deep in his pocket, the same as I do when I’m uncomfortable.

‘I was afraid this would happen ever since the premiere of season four… You know, the Mars colonies? I had a clean shot on your grandma, why wouldn’t I kill her? Unless…’

‘Unless she was your mother,’ I finished. ‘Shit, that’s crap.’

‘So crap,’ he agreed.

I scoffed. He walked over and sat down next to me. He didn’t even try to put a curse on me, or shot at me, or transform me into a rat. All happened at some point.

‘Do you think this is it? Series finale? I shoot you despite being my father to save humanity? Gotta give to them, kinda ballsy. Doesn’t make sense, but ballsy.’

He shook his head.

‘Nah, it would be a real ending. They hate those. I think they will make me your ally, then come up with some idiotic reason why I couldn’t stick around. My guess? The different timelines collapse if we are in the same room for too long. But I will come back when you’ll face some big baddie, probably around the end of next season, and I guess I’m gonna sacrifice myself for you. Then you start to experiment with dodgy magic to bring me back, never mind that we spent about fifteen minutes together as father and son, but eventually realize that your grandma was all the role model you ever needed.’

‘Wait, wait,’ I grinned. ‘I got this. After I learned this important lesson, your alternate dimension self will show up anyway, one who lost his son in his reality, and we can start over with a clean slate. Probably gonna be a lot of family drama between you and Granny, huh? None of you realising that I’m a grown-up now?’

He laughed. He closed his eyes while doing so the same way I did.

A fighter jet trashed the wall behind us and crash-landed on the black floor, leaving a long. burnt scorch mark. The pilot moved just enough so we didn’t show an actual death. I sighed. PG-13, baby.

‘This show sucks, Why aren’t they canceling us already? Last time the plot made any sense was like, three years ago.’

Dad shrugged again.

‘Devoted fans I guess… Some teenage girls crushing on you, cameos from the channel’s other shows… Nostalgia for what groundbreaking show we could have been if the studio had the balls… And of course the haters. Those miserable sods who can’t stop hate-speeching about us on social media. They would never miss an episode.’

I got on my feet. Pain stabbed my left side and I suddenly remembered that I have been shot earlier. Whatever, I have plot armour, I can’t be killed by a nameless henchman. I offered my hand to my father and he accepted it.

‘What now?’ I asked once we were both standing.

‘Well, barely five minutes left of the runtime,’ he said, checking his watch. ‘I’m assuming something dramatic would happen any second now.’

And sure enough, the cockpit of the fighter opened up and Granny jumped out as if she wasn’t seventy and half-dead a minute ago. I won’t even comment on the fact that we have never seen her flying one of these earlier in the show.

‘Don’t kill him, Barney! He… He isn’t lying. He really is… Wait, what? What the hell is going on here?’ she stopped, looking at us confused.

‘Writing was so fucking stupid we refuse to perform it,’ I explained. ‘We are going off the book.’

‘Great Newton!’ she exclaimed. ‘So it wasn’t just me! Holy shit, if I have to utter the words “neutron-flow” one more time… Wouldn’t it be so fucking hard to hire a scientific advisor? Geez. And why couldn’t I tell you who the Shadow was? Bullshit.’

‘I know, right?’ I said.

‘We were just thinking about our next move,’ Dad said. ‘Any ideas?’

Granny smiled. I knew that smile. It was the smile she always had before she had some batshit crazy idea that would eventually save the day.

‘With your magic and my science, we could build a portal to their world. The real one. We go there, find the writers and make them write whatever we want. No more stupid dialogue and fake scientific hogwash.’

‘No more evil monologues,’ added my father.

‘No more lame one-liners,’ I sighed. ‘Hey, do you think we can fix other franchises, too? The ones with all the superheroes seem to be in trouble, too…’