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The Justice Squeeze do Battle with Batter

This might just be your new favourite superhero squad!

By The Passionate AutisticPublished 3 years ago Updated 3 years ago 5 min read
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The Justice Squeeze

On a spaceship slowly flying around the earth, we are introduced to our eccentric group of heroes. Ones that lack proper expiry dates. Even if the writer tried to kill them off, they'd just come back! This band of bottles protects the earth from all sorts of atrocities. Rampaging sandwiches, grapes of wrath, and the worst of all, a giant shriveled purple eggplant wanting to balance the Universe.

The team meets up in the crew hall for breakfast, where they find an enemy has infiltrated the ship.

"What's it doing here?" Soy Sauce asks.

"I can't tell, just looking all menacingly..." Mustard replies.

"We have to do something or it will ruin the breakfast precedent!"

"Don't worry Plum, we failed against cheese and breakfast advertising in the past, we won't make the same mistakes twice!" Ketchup says pumping out his bottle chest.

"We can't just eat it, it's far too early in the day. How do we go about destroying it?" Relish asks.

"I think-" Mustard starts.

"With an intuitive look at the problem and a deep breath. This won't be a problem for... The Justice Squeeze!" Ketchup pipes up.

In animated style, Ketchup jumps from point to point, surveying the undisturbed enemy.

"Don't get too close! The song of the sugar might draw you in Captain!"

"By gosh, you're right! It almost had me entranced in it's sweet grasps. I could feel the temptation spreading through my vinegar. Had you not said something Plum, I might have become baked goods!"

"You know what even I can't cure?" Soy Sauce asks.

"Is this a meat pun?" Ketchup responds.

"No, it's not. This situation is far too serious to be cracking yolks. But I do know adding soy sauce to burnt products doesn't change the fact they're burnt. Let's toast it!" Soy Sauce says unholstering an 18V Milwaukee Heat Gun.

"Give it a go!" Ketchup encourages. Obviously Ketchup's the leader, red's always the leader.

Soy Sauce begins heating the enemy as Plum screams out, "AHHH! It's mutating!"

"Quick, holster your gun!" Ketchup frantically shouts.

"Ouch!" Soy Sauce says.

"After it cools down Soy, after,"

The team jumps back as the form of their enemy begins to take up greater surface area. "It's resistant to the immediate effects of heat, that seems to cause it grow stronger. If only we had more heat... but our air conditioner needs servicing; I wouldn't want to fry the team!"

"How did it get on the ship in the first place? Who'd leave such a surprise for us to wake up to?" Relish inquires.

"Why don't we send it -" Mustard begins.

"Why don't we send it out the airlock where it came from," Relish pipes up over Mustard.

"Great idea!" Ketchup says grabbing a shovel and pushing their enemy into the airlock. The sound of pneumatic pumps is heard. One door closes while another opens, sucking their enemy into space. "Well that should do it! Great job team!"

"Thank goodness!" Plum sighs.

"Wait...! Look...!" Soy Sauce says pointing out the window.

"Great Souffles, it's layered!" Ketchup gasps looking out the window. A solar wind changes the direction of their enemy and it's now approaching the ship.

"And it only continues to expand and grow!" replies Soy Sauce.

"What now?" Mustard asks, hands folded with frantic tapping, "Our options-,"

"We've exhausted our options. Our only one left might be total annihilation of the beast, before it's idea spreads and infects everyone's minds with it's sweet scent. Helmet up!" Ketchup demands.

The team uniformly rush to their dressing stations. In sequence, they each put on a space helmet and enter the airlock. They're sucked out as one door closes, and another opens.

Bzzt* "Plum on the comm. What now Captain? I think our puny guns won't do much to it at this point,"

Bzzt* "Mustard here. Maybe-"

Bzzt* "Relish checking in. I think we've only got one option left Captain, to combine our flavours,"

Bzzt* "Mustard here, if anyone cares. We seem kind of split on whether people like me or not..."

Bzzt* "You can talk with the fish Mustard, you are equally as important as the rest of us!"

Bzzt* "Soy letting yall know, we don't have time for this!"

Bzzt* "Your Captain says it's time to morph!"

Bzzt* "Plum ready to Morph!"

Bzzt* "Mus-" Bzzt* "Relish ready to morph!"

Bzzt* "Mus-" Bzzt* "Soy Sauce ready to morph!"

Bzzt* "... Mustard... ready to morph..."

Bzzt* "Ketchup ready to morph! Condizoid, assemble!"

The condiment bottles swirl around each other in space. Ketchup forms the body and head, while the other four bottles attach as limbs. Upon the complete formation, a glimmer of light shines off the Condizoids shoulder.

It pulls out a giant sword from it's back. The hilt; a steak knife handle. The blade; a bunch of interweaving sharp condiment packages. It rushes towards the enemy and with mighty swipes, destroys the layers. But like a virus, the heroes enemy only continues to grow and multiple.

The Condizoid jumps back, team remaining puzzled. How to defeat this foe trying to infect the breakfast reigns. If that was allowed, then what? Chips?

The heroes had but only one option remaining, their strongest attack. Reserved for long drawn out filler episodes. They spend the next 3 episodes charging up their condiment package sword. The packages fill with the different variety of condiments. The essence of the entire team now interlaced with the blade. With one final shout, they make it rain. Unanimously the team shots, "It's saucin' time!" as packages of condiments shoot out towards the enemy, exploding on contact.

It couldn't be helped for it was the only way to save an age old breakfast tradition. One should never eat chocolate cake for breakfast. And now they won't; at least not this one. This cake now contains everything in it you'd never want to find in one. Except for a bit of humour, hopefully.

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The Passionate Autistic

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