The Girl who Drove away

Going home is supposed to be a good thing but it's hard sitting in my mentor's living room sobbing about all of the things and people I’ve lost. I left my hometown right after I graduated and four months after my boyfriends of the times death. I never thought that I would be back in the city that broke my heart. I don’t know why I came back, my life in North Carolina was boring and quiet and I loved it but every time I thought of New York City my heart hurt. I guess my heart still hurts. Leaving home was something that I never thought was going to happen. I had a job waiting for me when I graduated but when he died my whole world stopped. It took me a while for me to act like a normal human after witnessing his death.

It was easy to avoid it, I left the state it seemed like the best thing that I could have done but now I'm back in town for another funeral of another close friend. I know that some people will be mad at me for leaving in the first place. It would have been easy for me to stay away. I know that some people will think that I'm the bad guy for dropping everything and leaving. I was only 17 and I was scared. It has been years and I'm still scared.

The day it was over and I was graduated I got into that blue chevy and drove. I had two choices LA where my cousin and her boyfriend were or North Carolina. There was no one in North Carolina but it was quicker and It felt less scary. When I got there I kept my head down and lived in my car for a bit. It wasn't as bad as it seemed. But I'm back in my hometown 2 deaths later still as emotionally damaged. I know that his family blames me for leaving the way I did. I have a lot of regret about that. I knew that I had to leave but I knew it would keep me safe.

So I allowed myself to become the villain in their history. I remember my high school mentor telling me that it's important to do what's best for you, whether people approve or not. That this is my life and that I know what is good for me. At first, being hated did not feel that different. If that is what made them feel better about his death, I'll take the blame. But the guilt was getting harder and harder to deal with. Being back home was difficult. Seeing his parent's faces for the first time in over a year sucked. I know how they blamed me, I know that h would say, He'd tell me that it's his fault and that I can stop blaming myself.

It took a lot for me to even speak to his parents. At his brother's funeral, I made a comment that I didn't think we would all be here so soon but suicide doesn't discriminate. I really thought that they would be mad at me but they hugged me and asked me to sit with them. I hadn't thought about it that was but they lost 3 children in the past 2 years. His parents knew that I couldn't have changed anything that my boyfriend the only person I ever loved was still going to die whether I was there or not. There was still a lot of anger but I was less to blame and I was not the bad guy anymore.