Sweet Angst

She must have looked a mess as she sat there, staring at it.

Would she make it? Could she do it without panicking?

Would she be brave enough? People started to whisper. She heard them. Loud and clear. With low voices and bowed heads. They did not know. They did not know her inner battle.

She looked closer, tried to make out something positive. Could she get ANYTHING good out of this situation?

Panic started to rise. Her hands became sweaty, and her cheeks blushed. Jen started to feel a rising sensation in her throat, and she closed her eyes, trying to swallow her tears. God, why was it so darn hot in here?

Why did she even come to this stupid diner? She should have just done her usual. Her usual routine kept her sane. This is such a dumb idea, she thought. She was about to stand up when a waitress appeared next to her. “Miss, have you finished already?”

“Ehm.”, Jen stuttered.

“Don’t you like it?” the young woman said while pointing at the big piece of chocolate cake.

“Ehm… well... I’m not sure.”

“You haven’t even tried it yet”. Jen noticed the fierce but kind look in her eyes. Her name was Lily. She looked about the same age as her.

“I…I think I can’t”

Her indecisiveness has always driven her crazy. Why could nothing be easy?

“Of course you can. You came this far right?”

She sighed and sat back down. With big blue eyes she looked at the waitress. “I guess I'll stay.”

The waitress smiled and tapped her shoulder. It felt right. Jen smiled back, brushing her long blond hair behind her ears.

Jen watched the waitress working. She seemed good with the customers. Easy going. She seemed happy. And here she was. Could not even get a slice of cake down her throat. When exactly did this begin to happen during her past 25 years?

She looked out of the window and watched the people walking past, holding hands, laughing, eating corn dogs. No worries...no fear.

Her phone buzzed and she looked down. “How is it going with your task?” the message said. Jen rolled her eyes as if her therapist could see it. She didn’t reply. She never did. She felt like such a failure.

She frowned at the cake. She could just eat it and then go to the toilet. No one needed to know. She could run it off or do an intense workout. She could starve the following two days. It could be her little secret. But this has been her secret for 10 years and she decided to put a stop to it.

She stood up and went to the bathroom. Suddenly she felt sick. She was breathing heavily, her hands shaking, holding onto the sink. She looked at herself in the mirror. The pale thin face, the frizzy hair, the rings under her eyes. Her stomach felt so empty, and sad. Her skin felt as it did not belong to her. Someone planted it. Everything felt wrong about her. There was no way she could eat that cake.

“***k it!” she whispered. “***k it!”

She stormed out of the bathroom, determined she will just pay and leave. Maybe she'll be just getting a black coffee somewhere else.

To her surprise someone sat at her table. As she came closer, she noticed it was Lily. She was not in uniform anymore. She was holding a fork.

“Hey I finished my shift. I would fancy a slice of cake, do you mind sharing with me?”

Jen sat down opposite of her. She was consumed by this girls dark brown eyes and her big smile on her lips. She suddenly understood. She suddenly felt safe. The people were gone. The noise was gone. It was only her and Lily. She thought Lily was special, because she simply cared. Because she simply took a chance.

Jen picked up the fork and took her first conscious feel-good bite after a long time.