Strawberry Swings

This is the journal where I can write anything I want. Don’t know why I have to remind myself each time I write but.... I guess it’s ritual now. Therapist said it was important to let myself know that I had space to write whatever I needed. Pretended to talk to some person since the one person whose here won’t speak to me at all. Let’s see if I can write down.... all of what happened in my dream…it was pretty vivid but then again this one always is.

I remember you shaking me out of sleep mom.

“Lev, come out with me.”

“It’s 4am. Won’t we die if we go out now. The riff raff, the bandits, the thieves..”

You laughed.

“Riff raff? I promise we won’t go far. Just outside to the backyard. We could swing for a while.”

I remember groaning and turning to look up at your smile. Your silver necklace glistened in the dark from the only bit of light that entered the room.

“Fine.” I huffed as I rose out of bed.

I slid into my boots and followed you out.

We tiptoed through the house, careful not to wake Dad.

You were the most graceful creature I had ever seen, footsteps and motion so quiet but fluid.

I remember frost in the air outside, the crunching of grass beneath our feet. The weird blue purple color of sky.

You opened your arms and twirled in around in a circle with your palms open, face up to the sky.

“What a beautiful morning! We have to prepare to greet the sun!”

Eyes closed, locks cascading around as you spun. Skin smooth and brown under moonlight. Your coat a great gray cloud.

Almost taking you away.

“Should I be calling you Morning Blossom or Misty River or something?” I teased.

“Picture yourself in a boat on the river..

With tangerine trees and marmalade skiesss…”

You chimed on ignoring me. I always liked listening to you sing.

“How about Yoko then? I always wondered what it would be like to have Yoko as mom, she seems pretty awesome and I-“

Before I could finish you grabbed my hands and we started spinning in circles.

We spun faster and faster and sung louder and louder until we both got dizzy and fell to the cold ground. You went down first and I followed with a great thump nearby. Our laughter the only sound for miles and miles around.

“You know that song is your fathers favorite, its why we named you Lucy when you were born. He was so excited when he heard you were on the way.” You said as you wiped the sides of my face.

“But I’m not Lucy, Ma.” I turned to face her.

“I never fully felt like Lucy, I’ve always been..”

“You’ve always been Lev. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset with that. I just wanted to….”

You stopped and let a couple moments pass by while I wiped the warm tears.

“I just wanted to tell you something about your father. Something small or sweet or good or funny to let you see another side to him. There’s not much of him he’s showing these days…He’s just been…. been so cold to you and I don’t want you to feel like he doesn’t love you. But, I can’t speak for him. I shouldn’t have to.”

I turn to look at you; your eyes up the night sky, knees up to your chest as your head rested on them. Arms wrapped around your legs. I can see you as a little girl sitting like this looking up. Frustrated or in deep thought. It’s kind of funny seeing you this small.

I overheard your fights with dad on the daily.

“Lev is still your child! Lev deserves to be loved even if they aren’t your little girl anymore. They are still your child Martin! They still are the same amazing person we have grown to know and love. Goddamn it why don’t you understand that!”

I drew myself closer to you. Wrapped my arms around your thinning chest and lay my head on your shoulder. It was sharp and a little uncomfortable but it still was you and I loved it.

“I didn’t know that’s why you named me Lucy. I didn’t think dad was a Beatles kind of guy.”

“He isn’t but that one particular song really stuck with him. Maybe one day he’ll sing it for you, he had such lovely voice. Not Peabo Bryson but a pleasant deep hum. He used to sing to my belly when you were there. You would move and turn when he did. I think you liked it and he’d have the biggest goofiest smile on his face. Sometimes when you wouldn’t stop moving he’d sing to put you to sleep too.”

“I guess that’s still half true these days. I mean when I hear his voice, it makes me want to move to the next room.”

You laughed so hard and so loud your chest began heaving. I loved how I could make you laugh no matter what and those loud snorts that escaped at times like that. I can sometimes still hear it. If I close my eyes and make myself real small so not a sound or noise comes from I can hear you.

“Lev, I know I don’t have the right to ask you this…but can you do me a favor?”

I sat up and looked you in the eyes.

“Wait for your father... Just a little longer. Please. In a short while… he’ll be all that you have here. In the whole wide physical world. I know you love him too and you’re going to need each other….Wait on him for me?”

I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring into my voice, it made me sound so weak…but that's what I was. I used to hate myself because I felt like I could have been stronger for you. What am I supposed to do without you here? Who needs you more than I do?

I opened my mouth but a wail only came out. I wish it didn't. I wish I could have said more. I should have said more.

You pulled me into your chest and stroked my back. You smelled like honey and cinnamon. Like the tea we used to drink on Wednesday nights while we read in the living room. You smelled like comfort, like warmth and those quiet nights.

“I will always be with you Lev. I will always be here. If you ever need any place to look and see me….look to the stars. Use our telescope. Look at Ursa Major and Ursa Minor. That’s me and you. You have to keep going without me.... but I’ll always be behind you. Protecting you, I promise.”

You pulled me to my feet. I was sobbing like a baby.

You just held me in your arms. You were so good at that. Then you began to hum and rock me gently back and forth. How were you not scared, how were you not afraid?

I cleared my throat and said,

“I’ll wait a little longer.” I looked up at you.

Sunrise was here. The world aflame and alive once again after such a desolate cold night. You smiled down at me. The dimples on your face rounding into little crescents.

“I love you, Lev.”

You pulled me to the swings, the ones you and I painted strawberries on when I was still Lucy, aged 9. I remember that cool spring day and the paint brushes drenched with red, green and white. Dad smiling as you and I tried helping him with his tools. There were still spots of red in the grass. White specks on the seats.

I didn’t think that night would be the last time you would ever set foot outside with me.

I said my final goodbye to you two weeks later. When you left you took dad’s voice with you. It rests there with you buried in the earth. In a way I think you were his voice. I don’t know if it’ll ever come back but Mom, I miss you. He misses you. It’s been five years, I’m 18 now. Can you see me?

The silver necklace you left me hangs heavy around my neck and somehow…..I feel it’s from wherever you are now. Some celestial body amongst the stars where you reside. I wish I could hear your voice. Have you been getting my messages?

I read somewhere that if you get the right equipment, like some walkie talkies with CB radio connections you can send messages out there. I don't know how true it is but 13 year old me held onto to that. Every night after you died..... I'd go on the balcony with our telescope. I would crouch next to it with a blanket wrapped around me, turn on the radio then connect the walkie talkie and just talk to it.

Talk to you...

It’s honestly stupid to think some old CB radio gets to you even though I’ve been adding pieces on to boost the signal and stretch it farther and farther. Like it's some religion. My therapist calls it obsessive and morbid but I just couldn't bring myself to stop. It soothed me and it felt like you were actually listening.

I hope you know it’s me whenever it reaches you. If it ever reaches you.

Love, Lev.