1,051,200 minutes. The longest two years were just 1,051,200 minutes. But, it felt like forever.
Between September 2017 and September 2019 a lot had transpired. And there wouldn’t be a pain as grand as the pain I inflicted on myself.
It was my greatest loss. A creation I chose to let go.
The pain that grew inside of me was unbearable.
The sadness in my heart rolled day after day–taking me deeper into my own despair.
Guilt anchored me to a corner of shame. And there I stayed, for a great while. I cried every moment I could.
Regret, a reminder of that day, every day.
Loneliness, because no one understood, & and those who did could not help.
I tangled between accepting and letting go. Because if I accepted what I had done, it would only confirm that my actions were true.
And if I let go, it would mean that I didn’t care to see you go.
And though I had hoped that none were true, my actions spoke words I never knew.
They opened up my heart to a pain and a love I’d never known. One that I’d been searching for, and didn’t even know.
So when it was gone, it was already too late. Instantly, the sweetness in my life turned into a bitter haze. And a cloud of sadness hung over my head.
I could smile, but there was no truth to it.
I could play, but there was no life in me.
My heart had been stolen by someone I hadn’t even met.
It was an instant connection.
There was little shame in those around me. Little love. Little compassion. Little patience.
I was stuck in a loop of self-judgment, self-doubt, & self-defeat. And it wasn’t until I was completely alone, that I realized what I was doing.
I compared myself to others. I envied them—wanting what they had. A love so pure.
I felt so unworthy. I gave up on the idea of experiencing such unconditional love. It wasn’t the right time—perhaps.
Or maybe you were meant to ignite my flame. A flame that had been dormant for so long.
I had no inspiration. I was in the dark & I needed light.
You were my inspiration. You.
Me. I was my inspiration. (Speaking to myself in the mirror)
But you (talking to my unborn child), you were the manifestation of something magical.
And until I accepted the truth of your creation & your expiration, I would not see that you were lighting my way.
And so, like any magical creature, you came & went, leaving behind a trail of light & magic. A trail of endless possibilities.
But it wasn’t possible to shorten 1,051,200 minutes.
Because as all the gods say, “greatness cannot be rushed”.
I needed to heal. I was in turmoil.
“What could I do to help myself?” I asked myself, internally.
One day, I participated in all three of my passions in a single day.
That day, I sat on my futon looking at the walls.
I was lost. I felt sad, angry, and hurt.
Sad, because I had to watch you go. Angry, because I chose to let you go. & hurt, because I never took the chance to fight for you.
But on that day, I decided to listen.
I tuned into some new music. Beats that took me to spectacular places. New places. Beautiful places.
The songs that played swayed my heart & soul.
I cried, slowly letting go. Then gently, I started dancing. I felt so free.
Every stroke of my arms & every kick of my legs blasted away all the negativity. Steadily regaining some of my light.
Spreading my arms made me feel amazing! Powerful. I had forgotten the power of love & passion.
This was meant to be.
You, my darling, helped me see that I had the power within me all along. I was just too caught up in everything (& everyone) else.
But you gave me a reason to focus on myself. You gave me a reason to let go, be passionate, and love. A reason to re-ignite my love for my passions.
You shook my whole world & opened my eyes. I didn’t even know I was drowning until you appeared.
Dance had always been my healing potion. It was once the only passion that helped me express myself without words.
I couldn’t help but feel better with every step & motion. I always knew & felt that someday I would fly with the birds.
I just didn’t know when. Or how...
Photography became my money-making mirror. Great for self-reflection.
I was too shy for the camera. Always have been. But I found comfort in practicing my art & improving myself.
It was therapeutic, & a unique way to improve my skills. I started a revolution, and I became a badass photographer.
I took photos and embraced my shyness, my talent, & myself as a whole. And just like that, I started SelfiePro!
I think that’s my ultimate power.
You see, “Written words are stronger than words left undone.”
While my penmanship lacks in style, my words make up for it.
My words are not complicated. Nor sophisticated. Many may even say the level of my written work may not surpass grade level 10.
And that’s ok.
Because my words weigh in truth & bear the power of change.
And people fear that. Change. Growth.
But the more you understand, the more powerful you become. I suppose you could call it The Greatest Words written by Janis E.
The written creation that ignited the inner power within me.
Realizing what I needed to do–my mission–I began telling my stories. Embracing my emotions & putting those negative feelings to work.
And just like that, I felt a sudden shift in my body. Not just within me, but all around me as well.
Like a reset. Or a shift that caused a ripple in time. Something had changed. Not just me... but something.
After I noticed the change in the atmosphere, my body felt lighter. My senses felt heightened, & I had the urge to fly.
Just run & fly.
What was going on?!
I needed to be free. But freedom required wings. Did it not?
That’s how I felt in my heart at least. Like I needed wings.
Like I had wings.
Was something within me trying to tell me that I was going through a metamorphosis?
For some reason, I felt the urge to fly.
I pulled down my shirt to the side of my arms & kissed my shoulders.
As if to activate my wings.
What wings? I don’t have wings.
I know I didn’t physically have them, but every time I thought about them, I felt like I actually did.
Like my memories didn’t allow me to remember, but in my heart and soul, I knew. & my body was trying to find a way to let me know that I wasn’t going crazy.
There was this tingling sensation on my upper back and on my shoulders that I couldn’t shake off.
The sensation intensified when I thought about being outside or feeling the wind in my hair.
[action] **Close eyes & take a deep breath.**
For a moment there, I thought I felt the wind on my neck.
Was that my imagination?
No, I know I felt the wind in my hair.
All of a sudden, random thoughts started coming to mind. Freedom. Air. Water. Wings.
What were all these thoughts? Was I really going crazy?
Losing my daughter wasn’t easy, I know. So, was this a mental breakdown?
But why did I feel happier, lighter the more I let go?
Why did I have thoughts about being free? Free from what?
That was a weird sensation. A reminder that I was missing something.
I didn’t get the chance to find out. I had company knocking at my door.
That day—the day I danced, photographed myself, and wrote about it—I vowed to push myself to a life of prosperity through self-love.
“She knew she could, so she did.”
Tattoo. Photoshoot. New Chapter.
That was the birth of a new creation. Magic in its purest form.
Embrace. Passion. Love. Heal.
In order to embrace my mistakes, I vowed to move on with the intent of following my passions.
I had suffered such great pain that my negative emotions clouded my higher consciousness.
I made a mistake, and that’s ok. Magical creatures could never stay.
And no matter how much I cried or crouched, or felt anger towards myself, nothing would change–
–I’ll never see you again.
Your father gave me your energy in the form of a dragon.
And I say energy because, in his heart, he was giving you to me through this dragon.
How tender, I loved dragons.
With a dragon representing your power and a name meaning honor, light, and grace, it’s no wonder you’re this powerful.
Oddly, I felt life from this dragon. This plush. A warmth so gentle. So soft, but strong. Mysterious.
I felt you a girl & you confirmed. A subtle thought entered my mind.
A little voice.
“It’s the only way balance may be kept”, it said.
But who? Me? Was that me?
It didn’t sound like me. It didn’t feel like me.
“It’s the only way balance may be kept. I’m sorry.” It spoke again.
Wait… Was that... The dragon speaking? Or was I losing my mind?
I didn’t think that losing my baby would have such a major effect on my mental health.
“Mommy. I forgive you. Please smile.”
There it was again. That little voice. A kid.
What was going on?!
I looked at the dragon and I couldn’t help but get lost in her eyes.
Woah! Did this dragon just speak?
No, I saw no movement.
Was this telepathy?
Was my psyche on a different level? Or was I really losing my mind?
“I have something to show you,” she said.
Looking at the dragon, I felt this odd connection. I had the urge to meditate with the stuffed dragon.
Why was I having these weird thoughts? Meditate with a plushy?
I didn’t mind, but it’s so unheard of. Strange even. Whatever. I was an odd character with crazy ideas anyway. It would look normal, right?
The dragon’s energy was light and graceful. Heavenly almost.
Through our meditation, she explained a lot to me.
Her power allowed her to make a sacrifice with the intent of changing her life energy. Because energy can’t be destroyed, ya know.
An honorable deed, indeed. The sacrifice of one's own life for the sake of someone you love.
She was a true feline. One with endless lives. She came back as something else. A dragon & a cat.
I didn’t quite understand what she meant. She spoke in code.
A dragon & a cat? I was speaking to her dragon form, she said.
But where was her cat form?
I couldn’t find out anything else. She had to go.
She said something about going back to her body. A transfer of consciousness.
It was a little too complex to explain, but she was sure I would start noticing.
There were so many unanswered questions.
This is a little hard to explain.
[action] **Clears throat.**
This is not a memoir or a bibliography. And it’s not a documentary.
It’s the story of my life— the way I see the world.
How I experience it.
I will personally tell you my story through my passions.
Dance, Photography, & Writing. [DPW]
Also known as — the Dragon’s Powerful Weapon. [DPW]
This was the moment I got my powers.
NOW PUBLISHED! - Storming Ice: Chapter 1 - Awoken
Learn about how the story began! Read my blog post.
IG & FB: @janis.fruitfulliving
About the Creator
I'm a writer, a dancer, and a photographer. I love being creative because hey, why not! Creativity sells, entertains, and inspires. And I am all for it! ;)
Let's get to it!