Skin & Bones

“Eden,” my sister said, gripping my shoulders and looking me in the eyes. “I told you. We are going to get through this together.” Her gaze made me feel uneasy, and I began shifting in my seat, averting my eyes. “Look at me. Look-. We’re going to get through this, alright?”

I nodded.

“I went easy on you today, ok? It’s just a salad. It’s got avocado and apple and a lemon dressing. Some almonds. Very healthy, very clean, not processed at all.” I looked over the plate, trying to suppress my grimace.

I can see the oil. And the avocado is at least 12 grams of fat- not to mention the almonds.

“And… I even have your favorite. Chocolate cake.”

I could hold my grimace back no longer. That was fat and sugar. I might as well just staple it to my thighs, I thought.

Sensing the decline in my mood, Avi sighed and finally released my shoulders. “You don’t have to eat the cake. Just if you want to. You can think of it as celebrating your new journey to health and recovery. Yay!”

“Yay…” I cheered weakly.

“Hey, health and recovery.”

I sighed and nodded. “Health and recovery,” I repeated. “Avi, I’m just so scared.”

“Hey, I know. But that’s why we’re doing it together, right? I’ll be here to help you. Everything will be alright. Besides, who knows more about health and fitness than me, right?”

“You always had it so easy, though! You’ve never been fat in your life.”

“Hey!” she exclaimed, brows narrowing in mock-anger. “We do not use the f word in this house young lady. ‘Fat’ is a macronutrient. 'Fat' is something we have that allows our cells to function and our brain to work. It is not what you are. Got it?”

“Yes, I’ve got it.”

“Ok, good. So, I have to go to work,” Avi said, heading to the door and picking up her purse and her keys. “When I get back, I expect you will have eaten. Don’t think about throwing it away- I’ll check the trash can. Besides, I always know when you’re lying.”

“I promise I won’t throw it away.”

“Good. I’ll see you soon. Love you!”

“Love you!” I replied. The door shut.

Now it was just me. And the salad. And the cake.

There was no sound but the gentle hum of the refrigerator. I looked down at the bowl and touched it with one long, bony finger. Or at least that's how Avi had described it. Bones- skin and bones.

Why did I tell her? I was so close to my goal weight! Why did I have to tell her? I sighed and ran my hands over my face and through my hair. A few strands came out, caught in my fingers. Right. That’s why, I thought. I’m killing myself.

I looked back at my bowl. It did look really fresh. It did look delicious. I picked up my fork. Reluctant though I was, I took my first bite and groaned with delight.

It was delicious.

A monster awakened in my stomach. I felt a purge coming on, so I chewed slowly, remembering there would be more food in just two more hours. That was not my life anymore. Balance- balance was my life now. I kept eating, making sure to collect every morsel. My fork clattered against the inside of the empty bowl when I finished, and I smiled. It was my first good meal in a long time.

Suddenly, I could hear Avi again. “And… I even have your favorite. Chocolate cake.”

My eyes darted to the countertop where the cake sat under its cover. She had baked it the night before. I’m not going to eat it. I’m just going to smell it… I thought, getting up and carefully lifting the cover. I took a deep breath, letting the deep, rich scent wash over me. It was euphoric.

“Oh, God…” I whispered, replacing the cover. “Wow.” I walked away, clenching my fists in determination.

The smell is enough, I told myself. But then again, she said I could have some. And she’s the nutritionist. Everything in moderation, right? My eyes darted back to the cake, dark and decadent. I mean, I don’t have to eat the cake. I could just have a little, tiny, tiny… taste, I thought to myself. I stood up and took a clean fork from the drawer. I lifted the cover, taking another deep breath. Just a taste.

It was heaven. Heaven on earth. I could hear Puccini’s crescendo- could feel the tango of my tastebuds. Fine, I thought. A little tiny slice.

I reached up and took a small plate from the cabinet and then a knife from the drawer. There we go. Just…. A little…. Perfect. It wasn’t much of a slice- more of a sliver. But it was enough.

“Eden...” The voice was gentle and soft. It sounded like Ana. My stomach and throat tightened, but I took a deep breath and shook it off. I carried my little plate back to the table and excitedly sat back down in my seat.

When I looked up, Ana was across from me. I jumped. There she sat. Her skin was pale, stretched tight over her bones like a misshapen canvas. Her hair, just as light, unfurled like smoke over her shoulders and down her chest and back. Only her eyes were dark- ink stains on parchment.

Ana laughed at me. "You're so jumpy. Loosen up. Aren't you happy to see me?"

Silence.

"Well say something,” Ana said. I stayed silent and she rolled her eyes. Her gaze fell on the slice of cake and she scowled. “Really?” She lifted her gaze to meet mine, her eyes full of loathing. “I didn’t come at the salad. I thought, ‘let her be a little wild today.’ But… cake? Are you really going to eat that?”

My hands began to shake, and I put the fork back down on the plate.

“That’s better, dear. You know I’m right.” Her lips, pink like the lightest of cherry blossoms, stretched into a menacing smile. “Now go get rid of it.”

My eyes drifted sadly toward the garbage can. Avi would check it.

“Then throw it into one of those potted plants,” she replied. She always knew what I was thinking. “Flush it down the toilet. I don’t care. Just. Get. Rid. Of. It.” Her long fingernails strummed the tabletop impatiently.

My eyes narrowed, and I felt anger building in my chest. “What are you doing here, Ana?”

“Eden, you know why I’m here,” she replied, her voice softening from pointed jabs into a gentle purr. “I’m here because I’m your friend. I’m your best friend. I’m here to help you, Eden. You know I only want what’s best for you.”

“That’s not true.”

“You know it is. Don’t you want to be beautiful? Don’t you want to be skinny, like me?” she asked, stroking her collar bone. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” I sat, unmoving, and watched as her expression transformed slowly from feigned kindness to agitation and then, finally, to anger. “Eden! Get rid of it!”

“No!” I screamed. “No! I am done taking orders from you!” I picked up my fork and took a bite.

“No!” Ana screamed. “How dare you! You disgust me!” I took another bite. The flavor had long been drowned in the guilt, and this time I ate for spite. I ate for freedom. “Stop!” Ana shrieked. Again and again she screamed until I licked the plate clean. “You disgusting pig!” she screamed at me.

I took the plate and threw it right at her. It passed through her and shattered against the wall. “I’m done listening to you! You do not control me!”

“Well, what a disgusting display.”

I turned. If Ana was Day, Mia was Night. Everything about her was dark- a walking shadow.

“What are you doing here?”

“Now, now, Eden, is that any way to greet an old friend? Say ‘hello Mia’.” I sat silently in my seat. “Say hello Mia!” she sneered, pulling angrily at my hand and leading me to the bathroom. She steered me to the toilet and shoved me to the floor, opening the lid.

"Do you know why I'm here?” Mia asked, her voice gentle again. “I need a favor. Well, actually you need a favor. But it's basically the same thing." I looked up at her, and she smiled.

"I don't need anything from you,” I retorted.

"You need my help."

My breathing became heavy and I wrung my hands. I pulled at my clothes, dragged my hands furiously through my hair. There they were again- all of those strands of hair glittering in my fingers. I turned around to face my tormentor.

"Look at this! This is your fault!" I screamed, a fist in the air.

"You're so angry," Mia whispered, "But I still see it in your eyes. You're jealous. You want to be like me. Because I'm beautiful. And you're..."

"I'm me."

"FAT!" She gathered herself again, placing her hand on her hip bone and drumming her fingers impatienty. "You're fat. And that's why you need my help. Ana tried to help you. Why didn’t you listen?”

“I didn’t want to.”

“Ana told you to get rid of it,” She said, getting onto her knees beside me. Her raven hair spilled around us like ink. Suddenly, I could feel her fingers down my throat. “Get rid of it!” she shrieked. I pushed her away from me, choking and gasping.

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!” I screamed, beginning to sob. “You don’t get to control me anymore!”

“Eden, we’re your friends,” Ana said soothingly, rubbing my back. “Listen to Mia. She’s just trying to help you.”

I stood up, stumbling back into the kitchen.

“You’re only hurting yourself,” Mia replied following me. “Summer is starting. You wanted to wear a bikini on the Cancun trip, remember?”

I shook my head furiously.

“You don’t want to be the fat girl,” Ana added, appearing at her side. “Again.”

I shivered uncontrollably and burned with rage. My eyes darted around the room before settling on the cake holder. I lifted the lid. “Leave me alone!” I screamed, throwing fistfuls of cake at them. Cake splattered on the wall and the picture frame behind them.

"No matter how much you scream, nothing changes. I'm here," Ana whispered.

“We’ll always be here,” Mia said.

“Go!” I screamed again, throwing more cake as they moved closer. It splattered across the refrigerator and the table and the doorway. The two girls fell to the ground on their knees, crying. “You aren’t real,” I sobbed.

“Don’t make us leave! We’re your friends!”

“You need us!”

“No!” I howled. Cake splattered all around the floor.

You are not real. You are not real.

Slowly they began to fade- dusk into dawn into day.

I fell into a crumpled heap on the floor, sobbing. They’re gone. I thought to myself. They’re gone.

“Eden?” I looked up. My sister was in the doorway. She was watching me in terror.

“Avi,” I answered, smiling through my tears and reaching up to her with a hand covered in chocolate.

“What happened?” She asked, dropping her purse and coming closer. Her keys clanged on the floor and I chuckled.

“I got rid of them, Avi. I got rid of them!” I sat up and sniffled, wiping my tears with my forearm.

“Who, Eden? Who did you get rid of?” Avi asked, her voice soft as she got down on her knees beside me.

“Ana and Mia!” I cheered, excitedly, throwing my fists into the air. “To health and recovery!” I screamed.

“Are you alright, Eden?”

“Me? Better than ever!” I said with a laugh, though my cheeks were still streaked with tears. I began sucking the chocolate off of my fingers one by one and shook my head in disbelief. “They’re really gone.”