Shower Thoughts: A Trauma Piece

The shower poured out burning water from the showerhead and I shook. I was cold and scared and afraid to frown, but without the strength to smile. I just stared blankly at the wall, thinking deeply about those events. My body tremble like it was cold, yet I was warm. I was very warm. I tried to smile again, but it hurt. I couldn’t bare to smile. I wanted to, but I can’t. I can’t speak, my voice is gone. Its strained from all the screaming I hadn’t done, I guess. Now, I couldn’t scream or shout or talk. I was silent. I didn’t open my mouth.

Everything happened so fast, as if it were some horrible nightmare. The things I had seen that day were mixed up with the screwed up, broken mind of mine. My reality had drifted away from me as if some cruel fate had separated me from the way life once was. All these seemingly useless memories cloud my mind as I take a scalding shower.

Last Christmas, my friends and family surrounded me with their love and trust. Giving me courage as I opened one last gift, a beautiful locket my father had sent me. He wasn’t a very good dad, but I’m happy he had gotten me something. Inside that locket was hope in the form of a picture. A picture of myself as a baby with him before he had left my mom. Inside was a note that read, “I love you with all my heart, Bridget.” I haven’t really worn it much, but it's always with me in my pocket or my bag. I carry it with me because even though he’s not a very good father, he still loves me. I remember, Adam was there too. He smiled happily, watching me open my gifts with glee.

The heated water burned my skin, but I couldn’t feel it. My body was numb and broken. My mind was blank and I couldn’t speak, because of the things that had happened an hour ago. I ran all the way to the place of disaster. The place I used to hate now seemed like my only safe haven. Being all alone in this empty house, my chance to shout is right now. My voice is broken and strained from all the screaming I tried to do. I can’t seem to balance the things I feel about the events that transpired that day. I’m alone with my thoughts. In my mind, I am left to think. Think about things that I didn’t do, to defend myself from the boy who had taken security and warmth from the body I held so dear. Now it wasn’t my body, but also his.

Adam and I, we used to be really good friends. We’d play tag and tether ball at recess together. We’d hang out with each other during art class, helping each other with our art projects. It was always fun working with him. He was also really good at sports and school. I remember, we thought of each other as being really gross. He always had yellow teeth and my hair was really long and dirty and messy. Now, his teeth were sparkly and white and my hair was short and boyish. He was a masterpiece now, I thought, a picture of excellence. He was one of the more attractive men I had seen at this school.

I wonder what kinds of thoughts caused him to do that. He was always a rather nice person to me. Was that a mask? Was he actually a bad person? Did something change him? So many questions linger in my head. So ignorant and naïve I was to fall for his now obvious trap. So taken in by the face I remembered from the past. The face and body that I hugged and pushed and pulled around the playground. The boy who was once my best friend. The boy who plagued my thoughts with sorrow and despair. The boy who shattered my trust. The boy who shamed me beyond repair. The boy who was driven by lust and power. Do I belong to him? No, but I feel like he took me away and my body and mind aren’t together anymore. I feel like my he took part of my mind and body with him and part of it was left intact with me, incomplete and damaged. I am in pieces. So many pieces lost to the wind, I can’t go back. I can’t go back and collect them all and make sure nothing drifts away.

The nightmare came quickly and lasted an eternity. It was like a train crashing into a wall, over and over, until the wall was knocked down. It was painful and I endured every second, biting my lip. My body felt as if it were caving in on itself. It felt sore. It felt broken. I can’t even recall the awful things he’d said as he violated my sanctity. He smiled, grinned, smirked at me. Looking down at me with a pleased look. I screamed, almost, but his hand was over my mouth, and instead I let out a muffled whimper. I gave in and he released.

I’m in my bedroom, bathrobe on with nothing under it and two blankets wrapping around like a python. I close the door and lock it tight, not to be disturbed again. I feel warmth and security as I bring the blankets over my head and cry softly in my bed. I am all alone, but I am safe in my bed. Safe from any further attacks, I rest. I rest for the night.