Secret Aggression.....

Have you ever recognized how easily you "jump" on a subject, person, or bandwagon? It can be either in agreement or disagreement. While other times you are slower to comment, taking time to correctly discern and choose more carefully your actions, words, or responses? Where does this "secret aggression" come from? What makes us just lose it at times? Or what makes us so passionate about something that it's not possible that those on the other side of the fence to have any good standing whatsoever? What makes us feel quite so Righteous, that we actually display Ungodliness?? Seems like an oxymoron!

For me.....it comes from an inappropriate heart attitude. I might notice myself "jumping" to conclusions alot. Even sometimes fast-forwarding my thinking and expecting a particular outcome without any ground knowledge to lead me in that direction. I find oftentimes in my conversations that the "what if" or "betcha this is what" ideas actually drown out all reality. I can easily become enamored with my own logic. Do you do that too? You think you have the answer for this situation, or that season of someone's life? When in reality, you've not done a single thing to walk their journey or support their efforts.

Recently I've been faced with some reality checks that show me that I'm capable of making completely wrong and false judgments. Just when you think you know what to expect, you might as well back up and read the chapter again. Something different is coming on the next page. Putting it plainly, PEOPLE FAIL and SITUATIONS CHANGE! Your friends sometimes get snobby....or down right ugly. Your mom sometimes forgets you're an adult. Your spouse decides to have a "me" day. We forget to serve those in need. We train our brains to "lower our expectations of people" because they would never do that for me anyway. We rarely pray, rarely speak to strangers, rarely notice the elderly, rarely bother to put the shopping cart back in it's bay. The list could go on, and you could make up your own. The point is.....we believe what we support with our actions.

We live in a world where we've dumbed down our existence to the point of believing if we: a) have a nice home/car/clothes then we must be doing something right, or else someone is very generous; b) go to church and sing songs we must be walking closely with the LORD; c) think of our neighbor before ourselves, then we've done our job.....no matter that we neglect to actually DO something for our neighbor; d) if the house is clean, in-box is empty, and the dust isn't too cluttered either under the couch or on top of our laptop, then we're diligent workers; e) we get a good sale..then we're automatically 'using our money wisely'; f) we think of God that day, we've given Him our attention; g) we notice the grass is green again, so we've adequately given thanks; h) we provided something for someone.......so we've shown love. I have to stop there, but could add a million more things we do to convince ourselves that we are GOOD. We're doing OK. Our lives are not BAD.

Take a second glance at that list. They're all things that create a false belief system. All things that are actually seeking to benefit the "doer". I DO, therefore I AM. And when I get mad, on a bandwagon, or up in your face about something......I'm justified b/c I DO all the right things, and what have you DONE lately? I know this story all too well.

Isn't this just pitiful! Pity, pity, pit--full. It's full of attack. The Spiritual kind of attack. The kind that robs you of your joy, your witness, your commitment, your laughter, your ideals, your hopes and dreams.

Life is full of quirky surprises, let downs, wide-open eyes, and oftentimes amazement. I'm learning to rely less on others to sustain my self-worth. My only full escape is Heaven. But until then, I'm marching forward in an attempt to eradicate the "me-ism" I so easily accept. It's not about ME. What MY schedule looks like. Or even how I can get it all done in a day. It's about YOU, THEM, and THEY and until I get that right.......I'm just not thinking like Jesus.

Is it just me?? No matter.....I know I'm not fighting this alone. There is one who has gone before me, and He knows my name! "This way Laura. Just a little further in this direction, I want you to meet ______ . " And you know what....I can't use my kids as an excuse anymore either! I CAN go......and they can GO with me! God never meant for me to take a "siesta" from doing His kingdom work just because I had kids. That was an excuse I held dear to my heart.....because it sounds so RIGHTEOUS!