Pinpricks

Wyatt was a man of few words. This never hindered him, though, as Carter was a man containing all the words. He could walk up to a cash register with a pack of gum and a kombucha, and somehow know all about the cashier’s life with plans to meet up for a Saturday pick-up basketball game within 5 minutes. Wyatt had always viewed this as a superpower. One he’d never possess. But that was okay. Carter had always been at his side.

Until he met Hanna. She had the type of energy that took over a room. A heart so sweet, animals flocked to her like a freaking Disney princess. A sense of humor so bold, one could never anticipate what would come out of her mouth next. And a passion for justice so fierce, she rarely lost a court case.

Carter introduced them after only two dates. “She’s the best. There’s no point in waiting.”

Despite his classic good looks and athletic abilities, Carter had never expressed much interest in romance. At 16, he’d once pointed at a girl dishing out popcorn at the movie theater, declared her mesmerizing in a hissed whisper in Wyatt’s ear, then blushed and hurried away.

Mesmerizing. Wyatt truly couldn’t think of a better word to imbody Hanna.

No one intends to fall in love with the same person as their best friend, certainly not at the same time, but there was nothing to be done about it. Every time she was around, his malleable heart sculpted to her shape.

He’d managed to keep it quiet for so long. Through their two-year courtship. 9-month engagement. The wedding, while serving as both best man and drama dismantler. And the 3 years of marriage that have come so far. He always thought he would get over it someday. His heart, his mind would let him move on from this woman. This one woman who, as magnificent as she was, was already taken. By someone he could never hurt.

Then, 8 months ago, Wyatt lost his job. He hadn’t been particularly attached to the computer software company he’d slaved under for half a decade, but it was the beginning of his downfall. Another job hadn’t come quickly. Within a few months, he was at the end of his savings and living on off-brand cereal.

When Carter offered him their spare room, he knew he should turn it down. Sure, he could hide the attraction for hours at a time. Even days. But weeks? Months? It was eating him alive.

She left him packed lunches in the refrigerator. Switched out his toothbrush when 3 months had passed since the last one. Always kept the house stocked with his favorite coffee creamers, caramel and pumpkin spice, despite him being the only inhabitant who drank coffee at all. Changed his sheets, refreshed soaps in his bathroom.

And that was one of the hardest things of all. These were things she would do for anyone. Why couldn’t he be just her friend? Why couldn’t that feel like enough?

It was the worst kind of day. The ones where he didn’t have any job interviews or errands to run, and she had the day off. Carter at work. Leaving them alone for more than 9 hours.

He’d spent the morning in his room, pretending to job hunt. In reality, he played Doom on his computer for over two hours before switching to YouTube videos on emergency ways to fall out of love. Unfortunately, there weren’t any effective suggestions. Lots of theories about why humans struggle so much with love, but nothing to ease his burden.

Lunchtime brought the relentless aroma of Monte Cristo sandwiches and a sharp knock on his door. She stood on the other side in her skinny jeans and tie-dye hoodie with her hands in her pockets. A smirk on her face.

“I could hear your stomach from the living room.”

Instant smile. “It has a mind of its own.”

“I made some sandwiches. If you’re interested.”

He glanced back at his computer. Another video game could distract him until dinner, right? When Carter was home, and he could focus on that instead of the glints of light in her eyes.

Her smirk evened back out to neutrality, and that more than anything else had him closing his bedroom door behind him. Trailing her to the kitchen.

She’d set up the dining table with two plates, each hefting a large sandwich and a couple handfuls of barbecue chips. Two glasses of root beer sweating on their coasters. She took the seat with her back to the window, gesturing for him to join her.

Her stare didn’t subside until he’d taken his first bite and groaned with satisfaction. Her eyes lit. She took a bite of her own. The smile reappeared.

“That’s delicious. Thank you.” He dabbed at his mouth with his napkin, eyes trained on his plate.

“You’re welcome.” Her smile broadened. “How else am I supposed to win you over?”

“Consider me won.”

She winked and it hit him right in the gut. “Any new prospects?”

He rambled for several minutes about all the applications hovered around. Her gaze never left his face. Was his skin the exact shade of a raspberry yet? “How about you? How’s work?”

She fussed with the straw in her cup. First with her fingers, then in her mouth with her tongue. Wyatt dumped more sandwich into the void. “Can I tell you something I haven’t told anyone yet?”

“Tell me.”

“I’m thinking of taking some time off.”

This was a truly startling announcement. Hanna had spent her life driven to be a lawyer. She held court with her stuffed animals in her living room as a child. Participated in debate club throughout her school years. Dragged her mother to city council meetings. Even in the womb, Hanna composed arguments and rebuttals, Wyatt suspected.

“Wow.” He blinked several times in quick succession. “Why?”

A single, strained chuckle coughed out of her. “What do you mean why?”

“I mean, you love your job. I’m surprised you’d choose to take a break from it. I’m assuming you mean more than a couple weeks?”

She nodded. Then her face did something he wasn’t accustomed to. Her brows drew close, the surface of her eyes shimmery. Lower lip puffy and alluring. “I don’t know how personal your conversations with Carter get. So, I’m never sure how much he’s told you.”

He could feel his face doing all the wrong things, so he stuffed another bite of Monte Cristo in. This allowed his response to be a shrug and headshake combo.

“Either way… For the last two years, we’ve been trying to conceive.” The way this statement punctured his heart was both maddening and infuriating. “A year ago, we started seeing a specialist. We tried a lot of different things, but nothing has worked. Dr. Vargas says he can’t find anything that should hinder our ability to have a baby so completely. It may come down to a matter of stress.”

“Oh, Hanna.”

“I don’t have a choice but to give it a try. I will always have more time for my career. The chance to be a mother could pass me by.”

The table between them disappeared. Wyatt crushed her into his chest, his arms firm around her biceps. Shell-shocked, she remained frozen for several moments before relaxing into his embrace. He stroked her hair, patted her back. Just before awkwardness could set in, her arms came up around his waist.

“It’s only a little time off. Well worth the sacrifice.” He murmured.

She nodded and sniffled into his shirt. “I know. The sacrifices start early.”

“You guys are going to be amazing parents. I promise I’ll be out long before the baby arrives.”

Her laugh tingled along his skin. Goosebumps rose on his arms. As the sounds of her tears faded away, his body strayed from coals to flames. Collected to scattered. Nerve endings sending up alarms. He broke his hold on her and scampered back.

Her arms clasped around her waist. A retaining wall for the residual heat his body had left. “Dr. Vargas did mention one thing. He did say that Carter’s…” She swallowed, eyes flicked up to the ceiling. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I don’t know any way around it. He said Carter’s sperm count was low. Not so low that it’s impossible to happen, but unlikely.”

“I thought you said there was nothing wrong with you guys.”

“I suppose I lied. I didn’t want to ask you what I need to ask you. Technically, they’re present. Not very many of them, though. And the ones there have low motility.” She swallowed, the muscle of her neck straining. “You have been like a brother to Carter. I trust you as I would any member of my family.”

His heart ratcheted around his skull. He sucked in oxygen like he was suffocating. “What is it you want to ask me?”

Tears collapsed over the dark lashes along her bottom eyelids. She took a step closer, then hesitated. “Please help me. Help us. We can do it any way you want.”

“What?” He pressed two fingers to the pulse point in his neck. His head spun.

“I’m making you so uncomfortable.” She dug her fingers into her cheeks. “I can’t take it back though. It’s been two years, Wyatt. Two years of trying everything and I have nothing to show for it. Please help me give Carter a family.”

“I’m sorry.” He stammered. “I just remembered. I have to go do something.” And with that declaration of abject brilliance, he fled.

It didn’t take Carter long once he arrived home to his wife in a delirium of tears on the couch to leave once more. At least he had the opportunity to switch out for more comfortable shoes. He walked the three blocks to the local branch of the public library, checked the hours on the door, and shoved his way inside. After locating Wyatt in the non-fiction section, he spun him half circle and frog-marched him a few more blocks to a local bar.

They took a booth in a shadowed corner near the bathroom where other people didn’t tend to congregate for obvious reasons. Carter ordered a round of beers and a couple shots of whiskey to start with. They knocked back the shots in silence. Every time Wyatt moved to speak, Carter shook his head. He’d been dreading this conversation for longer than he cared to acknowledge.

“I have to tell you something.”

Carter took a long, slow sip of his beer. “No, you don’t.”

Wyatt sunk his fingers into his hair. Nails scraped along his scalp. “I should’ve told you years ago.”

“Stop. We don’t need to have this conversation.” He smoothed his thumb around and around the mouth of the bottle. Body angled toward Wyatt. “Please.”

“I can’t have this sitting between us anymore. You’re basically my brother. Closer to me than my actual brother.”

“That’s exactly why you should not say it.”

“I can’t live with you anymore.” His hands tossed up in the air like feathers shed midflight. “You already know, don’t you?”

“Dude. I’ve known you your whole life. Of course, I can see the way you look at her. And all the guilt you look at me with.” He dragged his teeth along his bottom lip. “I don’t have a solution. But love… Love shouldn’t have to be apologized for. That seems wrong.”

“That’s why I need to move out. Put some distance between me and the whole-” he made several indistinct circular gestures. “Us.”

Carter shook his head in persistent micromovements. Unable to wait for Wyatt to stop talking to disagree. “Nothing’s happened. Nothing’s going to happen. It’ll pass.”

“It won’t pass.” His chest heaved with the effort to draw in enough oxygen to counter the cloudiness in his mind. “It’s been years. Years. I would never try to make something out of it. But this is torture for me. You are one of the most important people in my life. I can’t lose you for anything.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. You just said you’d never do anything.”

“I won’t.” The corners of his mouth edged closer to his chin. Eyes wide. “Do you know what she asked me?”

“Yes.” Hanna had exploded with details the moment he’d entered his home. Apologies, justifications, and tears all collided in a work of art Carter hadn’t fully pieced out yet. “I knew she wanted to explore other options, but asking you wasn’t one we had discussed yet.”

“I want you to be a dad. Despite how I may feel about her, I don’t actually want you guys to break up.”

“I know that.”

“Then you understand why I have to move out. Tomorrow. I’ll be out tomorrow.”

“Stop it.” Carter crossed and uncrossed his legs. “You are clearly panicking. That isn’t a time you should make any big decisions. Including whether or not you want to help us.”

His chin wobbled. “You want me to help you, too?”

Carter scrubbed a hand over his face. Finished his beer. Fiddled with the volume buttons on his phone. “It was one of the big things when we got married, you know? She wanted a family. She wants a family. I promised I would give her that. You never grow up thinking maybe someday you’d fail to be a real man. You assume all your parts work correctly.”

“You haven’t failed.”

“Shut up. I’m going to feel how I’m going to feel about it and nothing you say is going to change that. Or that I made that promise to her. It doesn’t change that she was designed to rain love down on all the people around her and she’s being cruelly deprived of the people she most wants to give that love to because of me.” He staggered from the table and stalked to the bar.

Pressure in his face, his heart slowing to a more manageable level, Wyatt thrummed his fingers on the table. Eyes set on the clock on the opposite wall. Mind blanking in all the wrong ways. A dozen decisions dumped into his lap, and he couldn’t make a single one.

“What would you guys want from me? Would the kid know it came from me? How involved would I be? How many times would this happen? Do I have to get checked out by a doctor? Are you going to ask other people? Would I go to some clinic and-”

“Look.” Carter interjected. “I don’t have all the answers. But we’re family. So, whatever comes up, we’ll figure it out. A lot of those questions we’d all have to sit down and discuss.”

“I don’t know.” Wyatt lifted his beer, then set it back down without consuming a drop. “Her carrying my baby when I feel about her the way I do is too much.”

“It would be my baby still.” The hardness in his voice had Wyatt nodding.

“Yes, of course.”

Wyatt’s face spun through emotions like a slot machine before landing on anger. He sprung to his feet, edging around the table.

“Where are you going?” Carter hopped up and chased him out the door.

Out in the dimming light, Wyatt stormed in the opposite direction of their house. “This all feels like a cruel punishment.” He hissed when Carter was close enough to hear him. “Did you not listen when I said that I’m in love with her? Like I didn’t say the wife of my best friend owns my freaking heart?”

“I heard you.”

“And you thought you’d simply ask me to father a child for her despite knowing I can never deny you anything?”

Carter groaned. Dug his keys out of his pocket to run his thumb roughly along the edge. “I wish it wasn’t this way. You must know that. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need help. You’d have your own Hanna and none of this would be a problem. But these are the circumstances I’ve got. You are healthy, strong, and I’m comfortable with you taking over if something happens to me. I know it would be hard for you, so I’ll completely understand if you can’t. I’m asking you to show me that same understanding for why I have to ask.”

Wyatt had stopped propelling them along the nearly empty sidewalk. Hands stuffed in his pockets. Carter circled in closer. Regretting every moment of this day. “Right now, I can’t say yes.”

“I understand.”

“But I can’t say no either. I need time to think about it. I need space. I need distance from her.” He crunched his fingertips into the tension in his neck. “I need distance from this suffocating-” His fist clamped over his heart and that was enough.

“Okay.” Carter stepped closer, his hand landing softly on Wyatt’s shoulder. “Okay. I have one more question.”

“Oh, balls. What is it?”

“Are we still friends?”

“Don’t be stupid.”