No more connection

It was a warm sunny afternoon as I walked through the park letting the warmth of the sunshine on my face. Just walking along the path thinking about the day. Didn’t realize I got lost in thought when I bumped into you. Hadn’t seen you for a few days. Thought that you decided to give up on all we had been working towards. We then decided to walk over to a bench and talk things out. It didn’t feel like we could work through this, but we figured it wouldn’t hurt to try.

As we sat in silence, you broke it and asked, “What are we doing?” I ponder it for a moment. Playing all the scenarios in my mind, with the memories playing repeatedly. Then reality snapped back in. I answered, “Well I’m not sure. Are we able to work it out? Can we look past our differences?” We both sit there in silence, waiting for one to just being the conversation. Then I look up into your eyes and say, “Is this all worth it?” All that we’ve been through hasn’t been easy. We should be able to work it out, but how? We continue to sit in silence. Watching other couples pass by.

You open your mouth and begin to speak. I don’t know where we are headed but I know I want to try. We can face anything when we are communicating. Are you willing to give it another try? Will you come home now? I ponder the thought, replaying the scenario in my mind. Things have been rough, but I guess I could give it another go, I say. However, you must be all in. You can’t just be half in half out. So, are you ready to give it another round? We look into each other’s eyes and then we agree. We slowly get up and give a quick hug. You then grab my hand and say, “Let us go home.” We begin walking toward the entrance of the park, soaking in all the scenery. Looking forward to what awaits us ahead.

We wake to a bright sunny morning. Feeling refreshed and ready to start a new day. We have coffee and breakfast as we talk of plans for the day. Feeling excited I decide that a night out on the town would be good. So, I ask, “Where would you like to go?” Assuming that a night out would do us good. Waiting on your answer, I begin thinking maybe this won’t work. Letting negative thoughts swarm around in my mind. Then you answer with, “That sounds like a good idea, we can have some time to talk.” Feeling relieved a bit, we begin making plans.

That night we sit down at a table for two. Candlelight and delicious cuisine. Beginning with light conversation leading into a more complex talk. We begin accessing our issues. Talking about how we can go about resolving all that has been going on. This rough patch between us has been going on for months, but it feels like if we just compromise and communicate, we would be able to overcome any obstacle in the way. As I’m thinking and getting lost in thought I hear you say, “I think we should break up”. Stunned by your response, I sit there for a few and the next thing I know I’m getting up and walking out. Walking and walking till my feet feel like they are going to fall off. Thinking repeatedly about what went wrong. Playing it all in my head as I try to figure out why we even bothered. All that time was wasted. All the memories we built went down the drain. Feeling a hopeless feeling taking over me.

Arrive at home and realized that I am all alone. You wanted to work it out, so I think, “Where did all this go wrong?” I don’t understand, what do I do from here? Should I fight for you? Should I wait for you to return? Then I realize we broke up; you won’t be returning. It was all a waste of time. We couldn’t seem to reconnect after this rough patch, so why did we agree to try? The thoughts swirling and swirling as a headache emerges. I feel hopeless, unloved and like time has stopped. This was supposed to be a happy day. A day to reconnect. Now we are going our separate ways after wasting all that time. I guess I’ll just have to pick up the pieces and move on.

The following morning came around. I am feeling refreshed but still a little down. Beginning to figure out how I can mend this broken heart. Playing over and over in my head what I did wrong. Thinking how I am going to get over this, but then I realize that this is for the best. Here is to a new start I tell myself. Here is to a new beginning and time to focus on me.

This rough patch was a lesson learned. Lessons that I’ll take with me and use as I grow to love myself more. I can only grow from here, but I know that it will take time. No need to rush, just remind myself that prince charming will come along eventually. Just keep chugging along. Time to see what is in store. This rough patch has been a good thing, now I’ll see what else is out there. I’m still heartbroken that it didn’t work out but what can you do? Moving forward on a positive note and waking up each day with a smile on.

When will I learn that you can’t make people stay? You must let go of what isn’t meant to be and eventually you will find that special someone. Be patient. Be wise. Spend your life not pleasing others but doing things you love. Spend time with someone who is willing to grow. Willing to communicate and compromise. Now I’ll just keep looking for a relationship worth putting the time and effort into. Making sure that the next time I’ll try to do it right. Don’t fight for what you can’t have or for someone who doesn’t want to put the time and effort in. Know that you are worth more.

We may have not been able to patch things up, but we can start a clean slate. To all those other people out there feeling like they can’t start over, just know that it isn’t true. No one is worth your time if they aren’t willing to put the work in. Hold your head high and know you deserve so much more.

Get to know yourself before you open up to another. Let them accept you for who you are, don’t let anyone change you. You are special, no matter what you have to face. You should face all challenges and trials together and not alone. Be patient, that someone who is meant to be by your side just hasn’t been found yet. This is what I tell myself to get through the day. It seems so simple yet so hard. I know that it wasn’t worth reconnecting with my ex, but the loneliness creeps up more often than it should. I try to brush it off, just continue with happy thoughts. This too shall pass, just wait, and see you. You are better off and eventually, you will see that. I remind myself to stay strong. That I am capable of anything. Here I go, I am walking to my destiny.