Nameless

Don’t shake, don’t shake. I say it over and over in my head. Trying to keep my nerves from reaching my hands. Woman in red? No. She’s got a dog, hate dogs. Even the small ones bite. Old man in the gray coat? Got a kid with him. I’m not gonna rob some grandpa, not when the kid is there anyway. Oh, there we go. A suit, I love a suit. Well, I think it’s a suit, the coat is pretty long. But those are the shoes of a suit. Bet he has somebody else polish ‘em. Fucking prick.

I step into the crowd walking by. Taking my time getting close. No need to spook him or anybody else. Suit’s gonna break off at some point. Holy shit, an alley? That one doesn’t even cut to somewhere good. Which means this guy isn’t local, best kind of suit there is. In a hurry too. Alright, I pick up the pace. He broke off sooner than I thought so I had to rush. Not so much I think anybody is noticing, but fast. I cut into the alley, and I see him moving slow. Suit is walking through an alley like it’s a Sunday stroll. So, he’s a stupid suit from out of town. And it’s not even my birthday.

I keep my steps quiet as I walk. It doesn’t take much, not with the car horns goin off just a street away. I close in, little more than halfway down the alley. Nowhere but dead zone either way. Suit isn’t gonna... fuck. Tripped on garbage, this city is so gross. These alleys are such pieces of, oh shit. Suit’s looking at me. I pull the gun from my coat and hold it at my side. Not pointing yet, I have a whole escalation thing I like to do if anybody gets fussy. Don’t shake, don’t shake.

“Wallet, keys, phone. Now.” I don’t think my voice was shaking when I said it.

“What’s your name?”

Is Suit trying to bond? Prick.

“Fuck you. Wallet, keys, phone.” I point the gun at his face now. That usually gets their attention. He doesn’t move, doesn’t flinch. Fucker keeps acting like he’s in control. I’m trying to get a read on his face, see if he’s panicking, but I can’t see it. The alley is so dark. Darker than I thought when I walked in. I got two more steps if he keeps fucking with me. He’s not gonna like the last one.

“There isn’t much time. Please, tell me your name.”

What’s this guy doing?

“Being tall and saying creepy shit doesn’t make you bullet proof.” I pull the slide back on the gun. “You know what that sound means, it means I’ve got... it means...” Fuck, what was I saying?

“What’s your name?”

“My? My what?” What was this guy trying to... trying to...

“Just tell me your name. Think, can you remember it?”

“Yeah, I...” I can’t. I try to step back but my legs won’t move. I can’t feel them. I could see my breath as I spoke. I remember pretending to be a dragon when I was little. Breathing fire at my... my mom?

“I can’t... why can’t I remember?” My voice sounds like someone else, feels far away.

“That doesn’t matter now. You need to focus. What is your name?” The voice is so worried, so sad for me. I can’t remember who I’m talking to. Have we met before? We must have if he cares about me so much.

“Why can’t I see your breath?”

“Please, no one should be forgotten. Tell me your name, so that I may remember you.” He’s so worried for me. I should tell him. My name, when did I hear it last? I can remember so many faces. People speaking to me, smiling. Or yelling. They say it, I know they do. But I can’t quite remember. There’s a name, I can hear it.

“Amy?” I say, I feel something desperate in it. Something bright, but sharp. A name I feel more than I know anymore. “Is that my name?”

“No. But she loved you, can you think of her saying your name?”

“Does she know my name?” I feel something now, tears running down my face.

“Not anymore.”

I feel myself fall to the ground, my knees striking the pavement, but it doesn’t hurt. Nothing hurts. My friend looms over me, I think they’re smiling. But I can’t see their face.

“You have so little time. Please, think. Tell me your name.”

My name, where have I heard my name? I focus on her. She feels important, I think she said my name more than anyone. I can’t hear it, but I see the way she says it. So many different ways over so much time. She says it like it’s new. She says it with heat, with passion in her eyes. Then it changes, becomes well-worn on her lips. Each time she says it, it’s so warm. It’s home, it’s where my name belongs. Then it changes again, she’s angry with me. I’ve done something, but I can’t remember what. She says my name like a curse, like something that doesn’t belong on her lips anymore. Then she doesn’t say it at all.

I try to speak, but my voice is shaking now. Not with the cold. Don’t shake, don’t shake. “I... I don’t know if I can.”

“You can.” He kneels down in front of me. I can’t see his face, but I know he is staring into my eyes. Gloved hands hold mine. “You must tell me your name.”

There’s so little left now. I think I had family once, and friends. Such a long time ago. Feels too far away to reach. But I see something. I see green eyes, and a smile so bright it shines through memory. Her smile. We never met before this moment. Our first meeting, my last thought. I say my name, she says it back. And it echoes across my mind until it reaches my lips.

“James. My name is James.”

“Thank you, James. I will remember you.”