My husband and I were married for ten years, a happy marriage, but it was ruined by my infidelity

My husband and I have been happily married for ten years and have two children. My husband runs a company to make money. He is busy at work and often goes on business trips with little company.

But a good marriage, so let me cheating ruined, cheating is a year ago, after a friend party drunk with a little boy shouldn't have happened, happened after the still feel a little addiction, like this is the feeling of like, but we will feel less than half a year did not have what meaning, tired of the relationship between this kind of sneaking around, so their own broken relationship with him, There was no contact.

He endured for a few days. Later, I felt that he resisted eye contact and body contact, so I asked him to tell me that he had learned. For a moment I panicked. I begged for forgiveness, but it didn't work. It wasn't until he said he wanted to divorce me that I realized how much betrayal had hurt him.

He flew back to the city, don't take the initiative to contact me, every day to work so hard feeling paralyzed, I know he must be very helpless and pain in my heart, because this kind of thing can't tell to others, I want to do all kinds of save, a month, he didn't and I divorce, like forgot, is probably don't want to talk to me!

But it was a torment for me, as I waited like a prisoner for his divorce trial, wondering when he would decide to divorce me. The fear of the future kept me tossing and turning, and I couldn't sleep at night.

I started all night suffer from insomnia, emotional breakdown to the extreme, awake at night, every day I will self-reflection, why I cheat, I think I'm possessed at the beginning, not moral, my people can, then carefully analyze, or separation is too much, the needs of the physiological and psychological needs are not being met, but that's not for me to betray his.

Finally, he came back, willing to face me, for the children, said he is willing to give me a chance, we can not divorce, at that moment, I'm glad to embrace him cry, he did not refuse, also did not hold me comfort, but my heart still felt relaxed, like a man waiting for sentence, heaved a sigh of relief after the hearing in to acquittal, We don't have to live through this anymore.

But I think it's just because he doesn't trust me anymore in later day, I really realized what is it's hard to restore a broken mirror, what is done cannot be undone, the relationship models between us has been destroyed, is hard to fix anymore, I feel sad, there is no trust, barely together, GeYing each other, what's the point?

He said after marriage, that night WHEN I slept, I held him in my arms, he did not respond, he just silently stretched out his arm for me to pillow, I said that after so many years of marriage, I have a regret, you never said I love you, to the end, he still did not say, not before, let alone now I betrayed him, not to say.

In fact, I just want to find out there is feeling, want to know if he still love me, not to like cooperation with Eva to get along with, maybe he is no longer love me, in the next few months, I had carefully, can't do anything without first asking his advice, but his back is less than before, most of the time I was alone.

But the first thing he did when he came back, he would ask me if I was still in touch with that person. I said no and showed him my phone. He didn't look, but he did ask.

Suddenly one day, he asked me to sign notarization, also often have such a thing before, is notarized in our common name, are the buyer, but he is the only one name, my heart suddenly sank, he still don't trust me, did not discuss told in advance, there is no reason to, everything is so sudden.

I silently bit his lip, sign it, the tears can't help rolling down, I keep telling myself in my mind, it's okay, he do this is very normal, it is the company's money, he prevent the normal, I also is I deserve it, not to be the feeling of trust, really very painful, cut the pain in my heart, tears always cannot help but flow.

On the way back, I was livid and didn't say a word, neither did he. After I calmed down and thought about it, I sent him a message, telling him THAT I was just sad because of his guard, or he would misinterpret me as angry because I didn't have a share of the property. It is only fair that THE humiliation I have inflicted on him will one day be my own.

He didn't say anything again fly back to his city, we will try every time he came back a couple of life, a lot of the time is not really want to, just at that time I can hold him, and he will not push me, midway, he cried, his tears on the back of my hand, he was again remind of the who, with endless pain.

My heart was like being hit by a hammer, and my tears also flowed out of my eyes. People always want to hold on to something when they are about to lose it. People always know they have lost their way when they come to the end.

Now a year later, our relationship had obvious signs of easing, from the first look in the eyes are not willing to contact, to can calmly look at me now, from the beginning of WeChat don't reply, to now can active and I say a word or two, two tone of conversation, much less cold sentiment on normalizing to daily.

During this period, we also communicated with each other several times. He said that he thought he had to divorce before, but later he thought it over again and decided to continue, mainly for the sake of his children. He said that it was only his consideration and I could also choose to leave. I'm not actually going to ask for a divorce, so all I'm afraid of is when he's going to turn around and walk away, feeling lost.

I always doubt that there is no qualification and position to love him, often nightmares, wake up but increasingly powerless. When he said this, I realized his grievance and helplessness. Maybe he didn't want to be cold and frosty to me all the time, but his heart didn't open and he never put it down. It was not easy for him to be "face to face".

He said, also let me temporarily at ease, I told him, now you this attitude I can understand, you are too humbled, from the moment you know, no matter how close we used to be no matter how good that is the past. Now that you and I want to keep the shell of our marriage, you might as well be more open, communicate more, even if it is negative feelings, you can tell me, to rebuild trust.

I'm not asking him to forgive me now, to forgive me, but I'm asking him to trust me a little, to trust me to do everything for our common purpose. I'm not trying to be good for him, I'm trying to be good for the kids. I also lower my expectations of returning to the intimacy of my relationship, at least in the present state, to relax and make both of us feel better.

Communication seemed to dispel some of our doubts, and we talked for a long time, a lot. Although the sense of trust did not return, I was still very grateful to him for giving me the opportunity to stay with him and the children. Every child's hug, the smell of tobacco on his body, and the joy of relatives and friends gathered together, I remembered them all as happiness. Maybe my requirements really became lower, but I had no choice.

Our family is still functioning, the conflicts are decreasing, the conflicts are covered up to some extent, he still does not trust me, the two of us carefully get along with each other, slowly reach out to touch, THE nightmare EXPERIENCE I do not want to have again, it is too heavy for anyone to bear.

Recently, his career is good, and the gap between our income is getting bigger and bigger. When he talked with me, he said that which project earns how much, which project is expected to how much. My mood is very complicated, and there is only one idea circling repeatedly in my mind, which has anything to do with me? Finally I had to dry out a smile, say congratulations! I'm so out of touch with politeness that I don't even like friends.

I may never get his trust again in my life, and I may have to pay for my mistakes in the rest of my life. Without trust, I will still regard him as a person who will walk away at any time. While I do not ask for anything from him, I also wrap up my heart, which is really a kind of sadness.

Now I still feel pain and sadness when I think of cheating. Although it gradually eases up as time goes by, I also feel it is difficult to pass. If I still do this, how painful should he be? Life's mistakes have been cast, there are only sad people, now I just want to protect the family.