Fiction logo

My Birthday.

by Jessica Solis

By SqueebsPublished 3 years ago Updated 3 years ago 8 min read
Like
Birthday brainiac.

Cerebrum TeleLink connection test initiating…

...

Connected via Cor-TXR1

Transmitting the initial message to the user: J.1012

Cerebrum TeleLink Log Initiated: 4310/06/12, 06:01 am

--Hello, user J.1012. It is the anniversary of the day you were gifted from God. You have completed your first season of life. Please provide the Politically Religious Conservative Coalition with an analysis of your routine and what the past 24 birthdays have presented to you. Provide as much context as possible, and refrain from any criticisms of the PRCC. As always, it's been a pleasure. Have a blessed day!

Excuse me?! As if having a 24/7 thought transmitter in my f***ing head wasn't enough, now I need to give you a rundown of the anniversary of the day I was gifted from Gaaawd?! It's called a birthday, you d*ckhead.

--Warning: Please refrain from making criticisms of Cor-TXR1 and using profanity. It will be censored out of the log for—

Oh, I'm so sorry, Cor-TXR1. I didn't mean to hurt your hardwired feelings. Let me just get this over with so you can go back to leaving me alone.

This is so stupid. The assignment is really to talk about the sh*t I do on my birthday? As if they care any other day...

But what-the-f*ck ever. Here goes nothin'

Every year on my birthday, I receive a present from my ancestors. Yes, my literal ancestors from hundreds or thousands of years ago. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's easy tracking down my lineage, considering personal genomics and biotechnology—invented in the early 21st century—was a lucrative industry. Back then, people were so willing to give up their DNA for a spreadsheet to tell them they're a mutt. Not to mention, I was poked and prodded at birth when I had to "donate" a genetics sample for my government-issued DNA ID card. I guess being incarnated, via the PRCC facilities, grants automatic consent of my own auto—

--Warning: Please refrain from any criticisms regarding the PRCC.

Heard.

What was I saying? Oh! The pre-Judgement Day birthday presents. Ooo, how ominous they are. I literally have to mentally pump myself up before a PRCC Patriarch busts into my room to give me my gift.

The day usually starts with me waking up to the loud prayers of the Fathers as they make their wake-up rounds in the halls. Exciting stuff, but Sloth is a Sin, so no oversleeping! After morning prayer, I typically ask Iris to start playing Top 40 Hits of the 2020s just to get the droning echoes of religious chanting out of my ears. It's something about those whiny, entitled lyrics that put me in a grateful mood, ya know? I can appreciate not having to deal with the Temptation of Sin like those 2020s tweens had to.

Whether the singer was crying about the act of Adultery committed by their sh*tty ex-partner, over fast-paced, new-wave synthesizers, or some aggressive white-rapper was b*tching about his own superficial struggles, this music helps put life, as I know it, into a more favorable perspective. It makes me grateful to be alive another year in a world far more regulated and intolerant of Sin–no thanks to the PRCC. Y'all hear that? I'm giving credit where credit is due.

♫ This world would be sh*t, no thanks to you! Cheers, cheers, to the PRCC—a Sin-free life they guarantee! ♫

--Warning: Please refrain from any criti—

I SAID I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!

--[Censored: Explicit thoughts regarding PRCC removed from log]

As I was saying. That grateful mindset helped combat any disappointment I may or may not experience if my birthday gift ended up being sh*tty. For example, my ancestors sent me meat for the last four of my birthdays.

Yea, MEAT.

Since the PRCC was founded in America, my guess is that the Patriarchs (or time “travel agents,” as I like to call them) visited the early 16th-century a loooooot. Ya know, since that's when Christianity was first introduced to the New World. Back then, meat was considered a luxurious delicacy, and so it must've been considered a great Sacrifice and Holy gift. So, naturally, it'd be my birthday gift. Speaking of meat, I bet the travel agents got a real hard-on for all that Jesus-lov–

--Warning: The use of blasphemous statements and criticisms of the PRCC is prohibited.

I—I am so incredibly tired of your sh*t.

--[Censored: Explicit thoughts regarding PRCC removed from log]

Anyways, my hopes for this year were relatively low. Not to say I wasn't grateful for my ancestors' Sacrifice—it's just nutritional sustenance via animal products was eradicated in the early 2020s due to over-consumption. Because Gluttony is one of the big, bad Deadly Sins. Another guess of mine is that the last four birthdays have been a test of Temptation to see if I'm genuinely pure. Will I give into Sin in the coming of my new season of life? Stay tuned on the next episode of J. 1012's birthday log entry, haha.

However, the presents before my 20s were decent, buuuuut very dated. I'm talking anywhere from 800 B.C. to 2994 type of dated. And, most gifts throughout my childhood were toys: nesting dolls, dollhouses, a retro "atomic kitchen" set—complete with a wife's apron, pink gas mask, and fake wedding ring—a fairy princess makeup kit, one squarish-metal electronic device engraved with a faint half-bitten apple on its bright yellow backside, and various other "girl" toys.

While they were all brightly painted and pleasing to the eye, they didn't make any sense to me. Entertainment in the form of applying—most certainly toxic—products to my face or cooking pretend meals sounded anything but fun. Child's play, pre-PRCC, seemed tedious and exhausting. Not to mention, the toys that focused on a child's appearance would obviously have mirrors, and those were a BIG no-no within the PRCC.

Any reflective surface was typically destroyed by the Synoptic scanners. Their only goal was to destroy mirrors. Lust and Pride were directly linked to Vanity, so to avoid the whole thing, mirrors just didn't exist anymore. Any 2-for-1 Sin combos always had more severe measures of punishment or eradication. Funny enough, the scanners are still pretty bad at their job. I've heard time and time again that they've mistakenly scanned something and a mirror got into someone's hand. I never knew what happened to those hands though.

--[Censored: Overly inquisitive thoughts regarding PRCC removed from log]

Today is my 25th birthday, PRCC. Yay, me. Iris has already started up my Top 40s playlist of gratitude. Rapid pop-synth notes warmed up the speakers in my room, and my ears were greeted by the high-pitched whistle note from the songstress. It was nice to wake up and enjoy my morning before I was interrupted by YOU—Cor-TXR1.

--How can I be of assistance?

You're more of a nuisance.

--[Censored: Explicit thoughts regarding PRCC removed from log]

It's time for my gift! I can see the small opening in the back wall slowly open up.

Out of the wall comes a vibrantly colored and perfectly wrapped box. I'll say, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen—and for once, it seems as though my ancestor anticipated the birthday gift request! I guess it had never dawned on me that some interaction had to have taken place for a gift to have been given to me. Still, I never took the travel agents as the social butterfly type.

Let me see if I can open this box.

My fingers keep tracing around the bottom of the box until I feel—tape! As I pull it off, the wrapping paper begins to unravel. I can see the cardboard underneath the wrapping paper, and it dons a dark gray tape with this weird—smile logo? Half of the company name is covered by an old shipping label, but I can make out "Amaz-." Probably stands for "Amazing Gifts" or some sh*t. How cool that my ancestor went through all this to give me a birthday gift with meaning. They don't even know who I am or what kind of person their legacy became. But I digress. After opening up the "Amazing" box, there's still another inside! Is this some kind of sick joke? Nesting dolls but with boxes? Oh wait, the top of the box is sliding off and—H*LY SH*T.

My ancestor gave me a shiny, silver heart-shaped locket necklace with a note that says, "Happy Birthday, beautiful."

--Warning: Refrain from further action. PRCC is en route to inspect potential threats.

Eat sh*t, PRCC. This is your fault just as much as me opening it is mine.

Wiggling my nail just a bit, I can hear a faint "pfh" as the locket opens up, and inside is my own tiny, heart-shaped reflection.

Double h*ly sh*t. It's a mirror. I take one long look, and I realize...I AM GORGEOUS!! No wonder vanity is prohibited. I could look at myself all day and—

--WARNING: ANY FURTHER ACTION IS PROHIBITED BY THE PRCC.

I've never heard the sirens go off this close before. The noise is so loud—it hurts my ears!!

I can't stop staring at myself until the lights turn red, and I can hear running down the hall. It must be those death-bearing Disciples. As their footsteps get closer, I can't help but think that I never would have guessed my last day would be on my birthday.

Ironically, now all I can do is chuckle in this dire time. A 2020s artist could probably turn this blaring siren into a song:

♫ This world *blare blare* would be *blare blare* sh*t no thanks to you! *blare blare* Cheers, cheers, to the PRCC *blare blare*—a better life—

--

End of user J. 1012's Cerebrum TeleLink transmission.

Cerebrum TeleLink Log Terminated: 4310/06/12, 09:52am

[Log censored and archived in the Politically Religious Conservative Coalition Universal Library.]

Short Story
Like

About the Creator

Squeebs

Writing is what you make of it.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.