Monsters

I was too old for a night light. I knew that. Besides, mom told me every chance she got. I also knew that without one the monsters would come. Mom didn’t really know about that, or she didn’t want to know. I wasn’t sure if there was a difference.

The monsters had been coming around for as long as I could remember. Sometimes they’d wait until I was asleep and meet me in my dreams. Other nights, mom would come in sometime after I fell asleep and turn off my night light and then they would come. I’d wake up in the dark completely surrounded and wouldn’t sleep the entire rest of the night.

I don’t know why the monsters chose me. I guess they just didn’t want to be alone and there was no one else who could see them. The thought that maybe they were lonely too didn’t make me any less afraid of them. The night light was my only chance of keeping them away though.

I guess calling my light a "night light" isn’t quite right. It was an entire lamp. Big and bright. The lamp shade had my favorite cartoon characters from when I was much younger all over it. Mom said I was too old for it, but she didn’t know how much I needed it.

I was turning 10 in just a few days when the bulb died again. I woke up that morning to find my light already off. Maybe mom had turned it off while I slept. I hated that. I never told her how much I hated that.

I went over to my light curiously and twisted the little knob until I felt the click.

Nothing.

Another twist until it clicked again.

Nothing.

I went downstairs to find my dad drinking coffee and watching an old movie on TV.

“Dad?”

He looked up.

“I think I need a new light bulb for my lamp.”

Dad got up, taking his coffee with him and went to the closet where we kept all the spares. Lightbulbs, batteries, take out utensils. Somehow Dad always knew how to find just what he was looking for in there despite this closet being the one piece of mom’s house that she allowed to exist in chaos.

When he backed out of the closet he had one light bulb in hand, a small green one.

“It looks like this is all we have left. I’ll get some more light bulbs tomorrow.”

I stared at the bulb curiously but he continued.

“This will work for now, right? It’s kind of cool. It’s a party light. Remember we used it last year for your Halloween party?”

I looked at him skeptically. I wasn’t so sure. What could a party light do against the monsters?

I had no choice though. I didn't want to tell him why I needed a brighter light. I didn't want to risk mom taking away the light completely. I was dreading going to sleep that night. I spent the whole day thinking about the monsters. By the time I was finally tucked in for the night I was exhausted and I knew sleep wouldn't be coming anytime soon.

I turned over to glance at the green light. We had taken the lamp shade off because the bulb was so small. It didn't do much to help illuminate the room. The light was still dim even without a lamp shade.

It wasn’t bright and clear like the light I was used to. It was more of a soft glow and it made my room look like a scene from a horror movie. The kind of light that could be found surrounding a swamp, where you just know the water holds a supernatural being in its depths.

Or the kind of light you could find in a witch's hut in the middle of a forest. This was a light of the occult. Otherworldly. Transcendental. Then I realized how warm the light felt and how it filled the room with an energy more mystical than the monsters themselves held. And suddenly I was a part of the things that I feared rather than an outsider who was just watching and waiting for them to pull me under.

I started to look at the green light differently. I was powerful in the green light. I silently dared the monsters to come out now. This was my light, my domain. I wasn't just able to see them, now I could be in control of them. I could command them.

The bright white light might scare the monsters away, but now I had no need to scare them away. I could tell them to stay away if I wanted to in this light, and they would listen. Or I could allow them to come and tell them to sit still and watch over me while I slept. I could demand they protect me, rather than constantly fear they might hurt me. I was in charge now.

I woke up without even realizing I had fallen asleep and was surprised to find my light was already off. Maybe mom had turned it off while I slept.

I hated that.

I went over to my light curiously and twisted the knob until it clicked.

Nothing.

Again, another twist until it clicked.

Nothing.

“Dad!”

After a couple moments he came strolling in, coffee in hand.

“Something’s wrong with my light.”

He frowned and set down his coffee on my end table. He twisted the knob as if he didn't realize I would've tried that myself before calling for him. He untwisted the bulb, separating it from the lamp base and held it up.

I knew before he said it. The rattling sound gave it away.

“Huh, the bulb already blew.”

Now mom showed up in the doorway with a frown. “You're too old for that light anyways. It's time to get rid of it."

I don’t think I could hide the panic from my eyes. I know Dad saw it.

That was all it took. I'd used the last bulb in the house and mom had had enough. My lamp was taken downstairs and left in the garage until the next yard sale where it would become protection for another kid. Maybe that kid had never even seen the monsters. Lucky them.

Another day spent thinking about the monsters. Tonight I’d be left to face them alone. I wanted to believe that the bravery I found in the green light would come to me in the darkness too but I wasn't so sure. Again tonight I was exhausted by the time I crawled into bed. I said good night to my mother as she left the room and flipped off the ceiling light switch.

My room was plunged into darkness and my panic increased. I could feel them coming. I wasn’t ready for this. Just as suddenly, my eyes were sore as they adjusted to the once again fully lit bedroom.

I patted at the wetness on my face as I stared at the doorway and found dad there. I didn’t want him to know I’d cried but he didn’t mention it. He didn't look disappointed at least, he just looked sad.

He entered my room quietly with a bag in his hand and sat on the edge of my bed.

"I got you something today."

He pulled a box from the bag and carefully slid a large piece of styrofoam out. I reached for it and he nodded encouragingly. I lifted the top piece off.

A light.

This one was small and neon and in the shape of a not so scary looking green monster. This was the shape of a monster you might see in a kid's movie. Nothing like the ones I was hiding from. This lamp was much cooler than my cartoon lamp though. Maybe mom wouldn't mind this one as much. Maybe it would buy me a few more years.

I smiled and pulled back the covers to get out of bed and help dad set it up. I could feel my heart beat finally slow as the light flicked on, filling my room with that mystical light I needed. I climbed back into bed and dad tucked me in, giving me a quick kiss to the forehead before making his way out.

I never told Dad about the monsters, but now I wonder if he sees them too. Maybe he needs the green light just as much as I do.