Love at First Fight

Love at First Fight

By: Christian Gale

“It was love at first fight man, I don’t know how else to explain it!”

Exclaimed my friend Frank, who was sitting opposite of me at a small coffee shop table. He was holding his coffee cup up in classic “cheers” fashion, along with a near fanatical smile that matched the look in his eyes.

“The bridge has been built, I can feel it within me. I still don’t have the words to express it concisely enough yet, but this concept has changed my life. Can’t believe we didn’t think of it sooner...” said Frank. His face dimmed slightly, but only for a moment. I imagined he was having a flash of regret for all the years he searched for love and came up empty handed, only to now realize the key he was missing was something he was an expert at. I let the thought go, and with it watched him turn his gaze to his cup of coffee. It had been neglected ever since it was delivered to our table. It was full to the brim still, but no longer steaming. But after what he just finished telling me, I was certain that the fire emanating from this man’s heart was enough to heat it back up if he wanted to.

Since the moment we met in the coffee shop’s parking lot, Frank had yet to take a break from telling me about his recent romantic experience. One in which he utilized a scientific method we use at work to swoon the heart of a woman he had just met. So coffee was definitely the LAST thing this man needed running through him during our conversation.

“This is truly remarkable news. We are definitely onto something.”

I said, feeling the excitement building within me. I began to see infinite possibilities blooming into view. As Frank continued to speak, I pondered his experience with an analytical eye, wondering how I could help others duplicate a fraction of what he was able to achieve the day prior.

“We definitely are, and I feel like I could manifest anything I wanted right now. I feel amazing! Even the air feels supercharged as I breathe it in. It’s like I can feel all the subatomic particles we theorize about flowing into me, and then dissolving like cotton candy in my lungs. I’m tickled from the inside out man!” Frank’s voice shook the small corner section of the cafe we were in. His authentic vibrations could easily be felt radiating all around us, to the point I began noticing other coffee shop patrons listening in. Most likely they were hoping to get a clue as to what this mild mannered looking man was so elated about at 7:30am on a Monday morning.

Frank’s early morning excitement about life was justifiable though, and I was feeling excited right along with him. Not only because a close friend had just found love, which was something he had been dreaming about his whole life; but because something that was only a theory a few days ago had just passed a trials test by one of the most respected and grounded scientists I knew. He successfully self realized a theory I had posed for improving communication in our personal lives, by working along the lines of a boundary reference, just like we do in our scientific discussions for work related topics.

As a professional colleague of mine in the applied sciences world, Frank is one of few people that I get to “walk between worlds” with. I’ve always enjoyed our discussions of the simpler things in life, especially without the looming need to be completely objective, unlike the way we strive to be at work.

He just finished sharing with me how he successfully applied a scientific discussion tool we use daily at work to win the heart of a woman he had just met. It was by chance that they both went for the same spot in a parking lot. Frank did the chivalrous thing and gave the woman the spot without hesitation. The woman was charmed by his gesture, and waited for him to find another spot, then engaged him in a playful talk about the encounter. Everything was going great as they exchanged their life philosophies and paid each other compliments. Then something came up that didn't translate as intended, quickly causing the encounter to take a turn for the worse.

The beauty of the moment faded fast when a misunderstanding developed between them. One that was composed of personal opinions and the all too colorful e-motions (energies-in-motion) that fuel them.

The misunderstanding prompted Frank to apply my theory as an attempt to guide the conversation back to a neutral point at a minimum. He never expected it to work the way it did though...

A little info about the theory

The theory is based on a discussion tool we use in science called a “boundary value”. It’s a scientific method we apply to resolve any potential arguments ahead of time, by agreeing to communicate solely for the purpose of finding a solution to what is being discussed, and for the benefit of all involved.

Initiating this mutual understanding, and enforcing it politely, extinguishes any subjective retorts when they arise. All it takes is a simple kind reminder to the agreed upon “BV” in place. It works every time.

The true beauty of it pays dividends whenever a valid point is being made by someone as they are strengthening a theory or perspective that is under peer review by the opposing parties present. With a “BV” in place, it ensures the person speaking won’t get derailed during the process of explaining their reasoning factors, even though others are objectively poking at the theory for weaknesses.

Peer reviews are usually prime events for things to start getting heated and personal at work. Things tend to quickly veer off course as ego-based reasoning becomes someone’s conversational steering wheel for the discussion, instead of objective questioning aimed at testing the topic of focus.

Next thing you know, a professional debate that was intended to find a solution becomes an e-motionally charged argument. One full of the usual attacks directed towards the other person’s character, instead of the subject matter at hand.

Implementing a boundary value saves time and energy during our meetings, which are two things that seem to get wasted regularly when trying to resolve conflicting views in the workplace. We implement the concept each time before diving into the meeting’s topics, and all parties agree to stick to the subject matter or theory being questioned. Having an understanding of the boundary value tool is essential, as it discourages members of a discussion from focusing on any unrelated information; lest they might be tempted to use nefarious methods to discredit the person who is earnestly proposing their perspectives and beliefs towards resolution of a problem.

No matter how abstract those perspectives and beliefs might be; and no matter how diverse and passionate the individual might be in their perspectives and beliefs: the boundary value provides them with the space to be heard and respected as they contribute to the discussion.

Authenticity has a chance to blossom within a group when individuals are able to trust each other, feeling safe enough to speak openly from their personal truth without subjective criticisms being cast about. No doubt, speaking passionately about something can be a vulnerable position to act from.

I have found that the freedom to express ideas and opinions without the concern of having to constantly defend oneself, or navigate mid speech amongst politically correct egg shells, can be an extremely liberating experience. It allows communication to flow in harmony with the higher mental planes where solutions ultimately come from.

I hope my explanation of this wonderful communication tool has been received well, and you are beginning to see its potential for resolving personal disagreements the way I did when I shared my theory with Frank.

As we continue on with my conversation with Frank, I am confident you will have an even clearer understanding of how simple it is to implement as he shares his experience with us.

“One more time, please walk me through the process of how you went from a boiling argument, to having a wonderful evening out on the town.” I eagerly asked. Leaning in, I prepared to listen closely to his next words spoken, for they would hold in them the keys necessary for success.

“Where should I start from?” asked Frank.

“How about when you felt the tension beginning to build, it was then that you introduced the boundary value concept, correct?”

I replied with a question of certainty. I wanted to ensure I had the timing right for when he actually started the process of implementing the concept to someone that was unfamiliar with it.

“Correct, it was right about then when I felt the first pulse of discontent flash through me. Right after several of her remarks had nothing to do with the original subject matter we first started debating on. I became aware I was focusing on defending my character more and more, instead of the reasoning I used to get to my point of view, which is what originally got us talking in the first place.” replied Frank.

“Then what happened next?” I asked.

“Well, I waited for her to finish what she was saying. I spent the time disengaging from the defensive and offensive thoughts running through my mind by focusing on my breathing. I just did a simple symmetrical rhythm of inhales and exhales based on how they felt, because I knew if I started counting them it would have kept me from hearing what she was saying. As I got a few cycles in, the idea to introduce the boundary value concept came into my focus. It was immediately followed by a thought that it would be a waste of time to do so, and I should instead correct her last statement, which seemed to be just another attack on me as a person, instead of the issue we originally connected on.”

“Interesting, please continue.” I replied. I scrutinized his process with the information he was conveying. I could feel a wave of excitement returning from its initial pendulum swing from earlier, when he first mentioned the success of applying my proposition to use this discussion tool with others outside of our work. A smile was creeping up from within me that started to express itself freely as it buzzed in my cheeks.

“So, I engaged the ‘pause’, and then asked myself what was the highest and best outcome I could envision for this encounter. All of a sudden the boundary value concept flashed through my mind again, but this time with a feeling of warmth that I felt radiating from my chest. I focused on my heart center where I was feeling it the most and asked myself how to word it. I then took a deep breath in and just went for it man.”

“Do you remember what you said exactly?”

“Oh yeah, it’s still echoing throughout my mind and body like a pinball machine on a hot streak!”

“Well what did you say?”

“She had just stopped talking and was waiting for a response. I said I respected her point of view and appreciated how she felt about it, and that I heard everything she said and I wanted to continue talking; but would like to do so on common ground so I could learn from her, because I could certainly tell she had a lot of wisdom to offer, and I wanted to ensure I was able to hold respectful space for how she came to those conclusions, without offending her with my curiosity.”

“Nicely said. How did she respond?”

“I noticed a shift in her body language right away, and I could tell it took her completely off guard. She paused and asked me what I had in mind. I asked her if she had ever heard of the boundary value concept for scientific discussions?” said Frank, who was now sitting upright and seemed to be reliving the upcoming moment of glory as he spoke.

“She said she was not familiar with it, and had no interest in getting further into a debate about who was right or wrong anymore. I felt like I was losing her again at that point. So, I paused again. I took a deep breath in and looked into her gorgeous blue eyes, then softly said, ‘That is exactly what its main purpose is for. To keep the information flowing back and forth, with considerate boundaries being upheld by both individuals... In hopes that the sharing of one another’s unique perspectives could be enjoyed as we explore what shaped them through respectful questions, and the sharing of our truest opinions while being free from negative criticism or competitive motivations.’

It just flowed out of me all suave like amigo!” Finished Frank, who now had a smile so big it was making everyone around us smile and giggle along with him.

“Impressive as all can be indeed compadre.” I replied. His smile was infectious, and the effect it had on me made me want to give him a big hug right there from across the table.

“Thanks man! She looked away for a moment or two, then turned back to me and said ‘Okay. How do we do that?’. I then walked her through it further and defined it as the following: ‘A boundary value, for the sake of conversing, is an agreement to remain focused on the subject matter objectively, while seeking to resolve any proposed conflict through methodical reasoning, or creatively through open minded perspectives being shared by two or more passionate individuals, with the end result being for the highest good of all.” Said Frank, as he transitioned into a debonair tone.

“Beautiful. A simple, yet romantic explanation of a practical tool that can be applied to safely proceed further into passionate territories, as people search for a better understanding of the driving force behind each individual's unique perspective we are sharing life with.”

I replied, with the enthusiasm of a father who was vicariously living through his son as he succeeded towards a shared goal.

“What happened next?” I eagerly asked.

“She smiled the most stunning smile and said ‘This is not the place I want to explore getting to know you. Do you have plans for dinner tonight?’ I was speechless... I felt like I had just won the Nobel Peace prize!” Concluded an extremely satisfied Frank.

I was grateful for all I was hearing. Frank had come up with a simple definition to explain a concept that helps keep things in bounds when discussing complex issues. The greatest minds and most passionate hearts of science use this concept in their work daily to make the world a better place. The light structure it offers helps us move towards finding solutions each day for many of the problems that the world encounters, as we collectively practice the art of respect with a simple act of self-discipline.

The overall goal to work towards when applying this method of the boundary value, is to keep the attention aimed towards finding a solution; not the problem or the person presenting the problem. This way, all parties involved can respectfully question the validity of each perspective being proposed, without offending the person proposing it. When someone has an intention to win an argument instead of resolving the conflict that created it, they will be easy to identify ahead of time when you offer this concept as an option to talk within and they choose to not honor it. You will save yourself a ton of stress by being able to understand immediately that there is not going to be a common goal shared by the other person.

In life there are people who consciously or unconsciously seek conflict with others as a means to flush out their pent up toxicity. Private life drama tends to spill into work life communications, and vice versa.

They use methods like gas lighting and baiting to get you hooked, which then eventually turns into an exchange of negative emotions that have long lasting effects on our mental, physical, and e-motional health.

Save yourself from being a human punching bag, and introduce the boundary value method anytime you want to resolve conflict in your life!

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