Lexi vs. Kai

MAJOR SUICIDE TRIGGER WARNING

I stand in front of my open locker trying to decide what books I need to take home for the weekend. The dance squad is starting their warm-up in the hall adjacent to me, and the drama kids are running lines together outside the theater. Everyone has a place to be, somewhere to go, or people to hang out with. Everyone, except me. I’m just standing still, staring into my neatly organized locker trying to figure it all out. Not just which textbooks and notebooks to take home, but my whole life and purpose.

There is a flick in the back of my head, and I know he’s circling. Long ago I named him Kai, short for Kaiju. He’s the monster under my bed my parents told me was never real. Except he is real, and he’s not under the bed anymore. He’s in my mind.

Do I have a Chem test on Monday? What about an essay due? I tap my fingers methodically against my locker door, hoping the motion will make me remember what needs to be done. Kai seductively flows down my spine reminding me he’ll always be here to help me. His snout nudges my hand to shut the locker, it’s all useless anyways. He calls me into my Mindscape, the dark recess of my mind that he calls home.

My vision begins to fade from the real world, my real locker, and my real life. Within seconds I’m fully in the world of my Mindscape, which is a dome of deep blue. The walls and ceiling are seamless, and the floor is made of a thick white mist made of my memories. This is the place where only Kai and I exist. In here, it’s just him and me. Always.

He’s curled just outside his den, within which he protects my many insecurities. He has scales as black as night, talons as cold as ice, and a tail as long a full-grown cobra. The only place I know I truly belong is here, with him.

“You are nothing. You know that, right?” he asks. He’s surveying his claws and flicking out bits of dirt every now and again.

“Yes, I know,” I reply. This is not news, I have always known I was nothing. Since before Kai waltzed into existence, I have known. He nods as if I answered an elementary level math question correctly.

While I’m in my Mindscape I know the actions I take and the words I speak don’t carry over to the real world. Out there I just look like I’m zoning out, but in here I’m freed from the burden of worry, of pain, of life.

I’ve wondered many times what it would be like to just stay here, with him. Kai speaks only in truths, he knows who I really am, and he helps me deflect the lies of the world. Out in the world I don’t know the answers, I don’t know the truth, not like I do here. Kai continues examining his claws, as he begins to ask his questions.

“Are you doing a good job?”

“No.”

“Could you ever be the perfect daughter, or sister?”

“No.”

“Why do your friends hang out with you?”

“They pity me.”

“What is your greatest talent?”

“I have none.”

“Why are you here?”

“To fail.”

“Why don’t you succeed?”

“Because I am a coward.”

“How do you waste other people’s time?”

“By breathing.”

Every correct answer is met with a small nod, a signal that I have done well enough not be reprimanded. Then he asks a new question.

“Who loves you?”

“My parents?”

His yellow eyes sharpen dangerously into slits, and he lays down the claw he was inspecting.

I continue, although shakily, “They care…I mean I think they might…” I instinctively shuffle back a step.

He stands, crouching on all fours.

“A little?” My voice is weak and my knees begin to shake.

“Do you actually believe your mother and father love you? Care about you? That they don’t already know you are a disappointment, a failure, and the laziest excuse for a daughter that could ever be!” He roars and takes to the air, his tail whipping the mist into a frenzy. He lands next to me with a heavy ‘thud’ that rattles my very core. His eyes are so close that I watch the dark irises surrounding his glowing yellow pupil shift. His nostrils blow hot smoke into my face.

“Please.” I fall to my knees coughing from the smoke. I hang my head. “Please, I… I really do think. I mean, a little, it wouldn’t hurt all that much, right? To know they loved me?” I look up to see that his face has moved even closer.

“No, it wouldn’t hurt a little. It would destroy you!” He takes his front claw and back lashes it across my face, making me spin through the air. I hit the far side of the dome — hard, and slide to the floor. The white mist is freezing to my bare skin. “You are nothing!” he bellows. With a giant leap he travels the distance between us in a single bound. He swipes again at my face, this time with his talons fully extended. The force of the blow knocks me on my back, and I yell at the sting from the fresh wounds he just inflected.

I gingerly touch my check and wince at the pain. I pull my hand away to examine the blood from the fresh claw marks he left there. He tosses my still sticky hand back with a light swat of his claw, forcing both my hands above my head. He slithers over me, until he has me trapped beneath his huge belly. He grips my hands like shackles and wraps his back claws around my legs to secure my captive position.

Kai lowers his giant head to my ear. I flinch away from his burning cold scales. He seductively whispers a promise to me, “You are nothing. You are nothing to them, or to anyone.” He waits. I stay silent, shaking, freezing, and still splayed beneath him.

The pause continues, my air coming in larger and more uneven breaths, until finally, he speaks again, “Except me.”

I start to cry. Trying to hide, I turn my face away, but he just pulls me back. He roughly cradles my face with three talons from one of his claws. Doing so released one of my arms.

“You know I only want what’s best for you?” He strokes my cheek with one of his free talons.

I nod, trying not to impale myself. “Yes,” I say with a quick exhale. “Yes, I know.”

He looks me over and I know what he is deciding. If he will release his Shadows today. Kai doesn’t breathe fire. No, instead he breathes Shadows that contain the totality of my self-hatred and loathing. I tremble just thinking about them.

I struggle against his weight, but his claws hold firm. I thrust my free arm out in an attempt to punch his belly, but he merely secures my arm back down. I want to run, to find a way out, but I know there is nowhere to go in my Mindscape. There is only here, only this, only him.

“Let me go!” I cry. The tears flowing heavily now. The sticky blood still running down my cheek. My legs and arms throb from the bruises forming due to his tight grip. “Please.” I continue to weep, still twisting and trying to get away. Kai leans in close, his inflamed nostrils nearly touching my nose. “Please!” I beg once more. “Please don’t.” But I already know it’s no use.

I see his cheek muscles begin to move as he unhinges his jaw. I struggle harder knowing they’re coming, but his grip is a hundred times more powerful. The Shadows build in the back of his throat. I keep trying to fight, trying to get away, but the Shadows are almost here. I give one last desperate attempt to escape before they swarm over me and fill my vision with darkness.

They show me the time I cheated on a question in middle school. The time I lied to my brother about borrowing his clothes. The time I threw a fit about visiting my grandparents in the desert. The time I failed a civil war quiz in elementary school. The time I was sick and couldn’t be with my friend when she needed me. On and on and on.

After minutes, hours, days the Shadows decide they are done torturing me with my past. They coalesce and funnel back into their master’s mouth. I lay motionless, staring blankly at the blue walls of my dome.

“Remember what I teach you, girl, and we won’t have to go through that again.”

The many tears I shed are drying, and my muscles are sore and aching. There is no place for me. There is no purpose. There is no reason to disobey. I nod.

He waits an extra second, then flies back to his den. His eyes stay on me as I start to fade back to the real world.

I blink several times to clear the fog of transition. I’m whimpering and still standing at my open locker. The dance squad has moved out to the lawn to work on their latest routine. Through the propped backstage door, I can hear the drama kids rehearsing. I am alone.

I rub my eyes, grab a few random books, and head home.

----------------

Tonight is Friday night dinner. A couple of months ago my mom read an article about how the lack of sitting around a table for dinner every night caused families to drift apart. After that, she vigorously tried to get us to eat around a table every night, but soon even she had to admit it wasn’t possible with all our shifting schedules. So, instead she compromised. On Friday nights all four of us would sit down to dinner come hell or high water and talk about our week. She was determined to make it happen, so she did. Since then, we’ve sat down for dinner every Friday night.

My mother is one of those people who if you met her for five minutes you would think she knows everything about whatever you’re talking about. If you knew her for a day or took one of her classes you’d think she knows everything about everything. If you lived with her your whole life, you would feel pressured to live up to her intimidating intellectual prowess, as I do.

My father, on the other hand, is the type of person to hug first, introduce later. I always thought he was meant to be an artist of sorts, but he found his passion in molecular science. He does medicinal research at the same university where Mom teaches in the religion and humanities department. But the best thing about my dad is he makes the world’s finest chocolate chip cookies, best served with milk.

Dad and I microwave lasagna and peas, while Mom sets the table.

“Hello!” my brother, Mick, calls from the front entrance. I hear his over-stuffed backpack hit the floor. One of his industrial-grade boots hits the door shut. “Am I late?” His footsteps rush towards the dining room.

“Hey!” Mom catches him in a hug. “Nope, you’re right on time, we’re just about to sit down.” She rubs his back lovingly as he sits.

“Oh, great, I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Rehearsals ran long.” He mock-wipes his brow as if he ran home.

Dad and I come in ladened with plates of food. “Dig in!” he announces, and we do.

I unroll my cloth napkin; Kai watchful behind my eyes. Besides talking about what we did that week, we are expected to discuss how we felt about what happened. Kai is always extra alert during Friday night dinners, but tonight he seems on the prowl for something specific. I wring my napkin below the table as Mick jabbers about his rehearsals leading up to opening night of My Fair Lady.

“I’m so excited, I got cast as the lead; he’s such a great character. It’s gonna be great.”

I roll my eyes on the inside. Of course it’s gonna be great, it’s you big bro.

“Plus,” he keeps going, “Steph, who’s playing Eliza, does this really cool interpretation of this line halfway through Act II. I think you guys will really like it. What night are you comin’ anyways?”

The conversation flows from rehearsals to Mom’s disappointment at some of her students lack of work ethic, and then to the grad student Dad’s mentoring in the lab.

As the dinner chat moves around the table, I twist my napkin tighter and tighter, knowing that my turn is coming. Kai paces behind my eyes; back and forth, and back and forth. A migraine starts to build in my head, courtesy of the growing anticipation and Kai.

That’s when Mom turns to me, “And how was your week, Lexi? Did you do anything fun?”

I stare at her like she just asked some advanced form of calculus. “Um, fun?”

“Yeah, something with Kelsey, or what’s her name? Oh yeah, Jessica?” she continues.

I stare blankly for seconds. Kai breaths in my mind, “What are you doing? Say something idiot!”

I blink a couple times, “Uh…I studied for a Chem quiz with Kelsey yesterday morning before first period. She helped me with some tricks to remember the spelling for all the elements on the first five lines of the elemental table.”

“Do you have Mr. Richards?” Mick interjects.

I twist my neck like a robot to look at him. “Yes. Did you have him too?”

“Yeah, he’s tough on that spelling thing. I hope the tricks Kelsey gave you help.”

A beat. Then, “Yeah me too. The quiz is next week so I have time to get it perfect.”

“Perfect?” asks Mom. A crease of concern forming between her eyebrows.

“You know, the best I can do,” I reply, trying to backtrack fast. I stare at my plate, hoping they’ll move on to the next topic.

“Let’s clear the table,” Dad says. I start to rise. “No, no,” he motions for me to sit back down. “Today’s the guys’ night to do some,” he strikes an overtly male pose and speaks like he’s in a men’s shaving commercial, “Gruff manly bonding.”

I laugh softly. “Thanks guys.”

Dad motions to Mick who nods, stands, and starts clearing plates.

I sit back down and hand my plate to Dad. The guys collect the dirty dishes. I hear them start a tandem washing and drying team in the kitchen.

“Well, I guess I better go…” I try to rise from the table, this time hopefully making it out of the dining room.

“Honey, are you feeling ok?” Mom stops me in my tracks.

Kai is there lightning fast. This is what he’d been waiting for all night. His sharp back claws sink into my skull and his ice-cold tail wraps down my neck. His front claws dig into the skin of my face and pull, forcing me to look bright and cheery.

I jerkily sit back down. “Yeah, Mom. I’m fine,” I say feeling slightly like a puppet.

She frowns. “It’s just…”

I continue to hold my forced smile in place.

She tries again, “You just don’t seem like yourself lately,” she states. “I mean how did that essay go? You know, the one about Of Mice and Men. I thought your character analysis of Curley’s Wife was really compelling. The over all paper was very well-written and had interesting angles regarding the text.”

“You really think so?” I release my posture for a moment.

Kai tightens his hold on my spine, forcing me to sit back up, “Obviously she’s lying. She wants something.”

“Yeah,” Mom goes on encouraged by my slip up. “I really do. What’d the teacher think?”

“I…”

My mom is leaning towards me, her eyes shining. She’s so excited for me, to hear what I have to say.

“Tell her!” Kai yells in my mind. “Tell her the truth, then she’ll know. She’ll know what an idiot she has for a daughter!”

I clear my throat, and try again, “I got…”

“Yeah?” she prods.

I close my eyes and deflate, “I gotta check back with the teacher, I don’t think she’s passed them back out yet.”

“Oh?” Mom sits back up straight. “Well, I’m sure when it comes in it’ll be great. It was an intelligent paper.”

“Thanks Mom,” I say in monotone.

“You chickened out. Big surprise.” Kai taunts, “Now what is she gonna think when she finds out you actually got a fucking B- on that essay? I’ll tell you what she’s gonna think, she’s gonna think she has an idiot for a daughter, who is a total waste of space. You know you should’ve just gotten an F for all the good it’ll do you.’”

I try to tune Kai out, and realize Mom’s been talking.

“…grades and school work, that’s not all there is, sweetie. There are so many other things you can…”

“I know, it’s just….”

Kai pulls with his claws and plasters my false smile back on.

I start again. “It’s just been a stressful couple of days, that’s all. I’ll be back to myself in no time.”

“Ok,” Mom replies, not sounding quite convinced.

Kai’s focus sharpens at her comment and my migraine gives a fierce throb.

I stand up awkwardly, spilling the remaining water from my cup. I hastily grab and righten it. “Well, I better go upstairs and get a head start on that homework.”

“It’s Friday.” Her eyebrows furrow even tighter with worry. “Maybe you should take the night off.”

Take the night off? This idea had never occurred to me. Maybe I could just watch a movie, not do homework for a night. Maybe sit and have some dessert with my family. My thoughts are whirling at this prospect.

Then Kai is front and center. “A night off? Are you kidding me? You can’t have a night off; you’re already so lacking. If you don’t study tonight, you’ll fail on your Chem quiz. If you fail, you won’t pass the class. If you don’t pass, you won’t graduate. If you don’t graduate, you can’t get into college. If you don’t get into college, then you’ll be an embarrassment to your family. Then you’ll end up living homeless on the streets begging for scraps. Is that what you want?”

I shake my head forgetting about the movie and dessert. “No, that’s ok,” I say to Mom. “I’m gonna just read a couple chapters for English.”

She nods, but her brow is still furrowed. “Ok, well, we’re watching some classic Comedy Central stand up. Come down if you want to.”

I nod, but choke back any verbal response, because I don’t know what would come out: a yes or a no. Kai pulls on the reins in my head and leads me up to my room.

I shut my bedroom door and release my breath. Made it.

Kai relaxes his grip slightly. “For now,” he reminds me.

----------------

The next morning, I go downstairs and am met with a sweet scent floating in the air.

“Morning, Lexi,” says my dad cheerily, from near the stovetop.

“Morning, Dad.” I sniff the air. “Pancakes?”

“Yup.” He slides three fluffy golden pancakes onto a plate for me.

“What’s the occasion?” I sit at the counter and pour warmed syrup over my heap.

“Nothin’ in particular just wanted to check-in. See how everything was going.”

“Everything’s going great.” I talk around the food in my mouth. “Why?”

Kai is late getting up, but his talons are digging in my skull as he stretches.

“You just seem a little distracted, that’s all. I haven’t seen Kelsey over here in a while. Why don’t you guys do something today? No studying, just something fun.” He smiles and waves his spatula in the air like it’s a baton.

Kai is wide awake now. “You can’t do that! What if she doesn’t really want to hang out and just says yes out of obligation? Or worse, what if you don’t get your paper done on time?”

I chew every bit of the recommended 30 seconds before swallowing. “I don’t think so,” I say quickly, shoveling in another big bite.

“Why?” He comes around and sits next to me at the kitchen counter with his own freshly-cooked stack of pancakes.

“Um, I just don’t want to.” I try to finish as quickly as possible, so I can get upstairs and start working on that essay Kai mentioned. I had completely forgotten about it.

“Well, why don’t we hang out then?”

“Why would you want to hang out with me? Don’t you have like an experiment to formulate or something?”

“I do, but it’s good to remember to have fun every now and again.”

Kai bristles at this and shakes his head in disagreement, but my dad is relentless so we go shopping.

A couple hours later we are perusing dance dresses. My dad knew the school’s Sadie Hawkins event was around the corner. He figured we could get first dibs on the good dresses if we went now.

I’ve spent hours trying on dresses, but either my dad or I would veto them. The color wasn’t a good fit with my skin tone, or the hem was too high from the ground, or we’d fight over how much cleavage was showing, or there wasn’t enough support in the bust area, or the seams fell in all the wrong places for my body type, on and on and on.

“Enough!” I’m modeling a pale green dress, with a cream over-the-shoulder bust. “Just unzip me, we’re not gonna find anything.”

He frowns, but does as I ask. I step back into the dressing room, pull the dress off over my head, and shimmy it back onto its hanger.

Kai is cleaning his tail like a panther and only giving sly glances to show he cares at all about the events taking place. “If you were prettier you would fit in that, you know,” he says off-hand.

I sigh. I stare at my body in the mirror. So much extra.

“You could lose all the weight you carry and you still wouldn’t fit in that dress. You know why?”

I nod, but stay silent.

“Because you’re not good enough.”

I dab at the tears threatening at the corners of my eyes. I shake my head trying to stop the trail of thoughts Kai was taking me down. I shove my hands into my t-shirt, pull on my jeans, and storm out of the store. Leaning over the railing, I watch the shoppers on the first floor of the mall. Dad comes up from behind and joins me.

“Face it, there isn’t a dress for me here. There isn’t a dress for me anywhere!” I slam my palm on the polished wooden railing, which I instantly regret. I step away to coddle my throbbing hand.

Dad stays silent as he surveys the shoppers below us, letting me wallow.

I whisper quietly, but loud enough for Dad to hear, “I wish I were beautiful.”

Kai pauses in his self-grooming to listen to my dad’s response.

Dad stays silent.

“Figures,” huffs Kai. “What can you expect? He knows what you’re saying is true.” Kai goes back to grooming. I try to fight back the tears again threatening to surface.

“Come on.” All of a sudden Dad starts walking away.

I follow. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

We walk to the other end of the mall. I keep looking in between the storefronts and Dad wondering where we’re headed, as does Kai. We stop. I look. “Sun Glass Hut?” I raise my eyebrow while looking at him.

He sighs. “No.” He takes me by the shoulders and turns me around.

My face goes slack staring at — “A bridal store?” I stammer in disbelief, “What are we doing here?”

Kai is instantly at attention. Speaking rapid-fire, “He can’t be serious. You can’t go in there. What would you even do in there? Huh? It’s not like you’ve got a boyfriend or anything.”

“Shopping for a dress! Come on.” Dad gestures excitedly for us to go in the store.

“I’m not getting married, you know that right?” I stay put.

He grabs my hand and tugs me towards the fluffy white gowns and smiling mannequins. “I know, but these stores have bridesmaid gowns too. I’ll bet dollars to donuts they have one that fits you like a glove.”

We cross into the store, “Dad, wait.” I pull him back.

“What?”

I hug him around the middle, exactly like how I did when I was a child. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie.” He rests his head lightly on mine, and we stay like that for a second longer before shopping for my perfect dress.

----------

My parents are downstairs cooking dinner, and my dad is still raving about the awesome dress we found. My brother is out with some of his friends.

Me? I’m holed up in the upstairs bathroom staring at the gorgeous dress and clutching a pair of scissors. The dress is hanging on the backside of the door to the hallway. It has a full skirt of gold tulle, a halter top of silk (with the right amount of support), and hundreds of sequins flowing all over it.

I’m squatting across the room from the dress, shoved between the toilet and the bathtub.

“That’s not for you,” Kai insists looking at the dress. He nudges my head down, to stare at the scissors. “These are yours,” he says encouragingly.

“I don’t want them. I don’t want to do this,” I say in a hoarse whisper.

“Yes, you do,” Kai reminds me. “You’ve always wanted this. I’ve just finally given you the push you’ve always needed.” His voice is rhythmic with an almost hypnotic quality. As I stare into his crystal eyes, I find myself back in my Mindscape. His massive wings unfurl steadily until they are fully stretched out, each tip just brushing the opposite edges of the dome.

“Please…” I kneel. “I don’t know…”

“I know that. That’s why I’m here. I’m here to remind you of the truth, to help you when you’re weak. To show you a path without pain.”

“No pain? That’s not real.”

“It is real, and you are finally ready. You are ready to end your suffering.”

“What do you mean?” I ask hopeless and hopeful all at once. Kai flicks his tail at my hands and I remember what I’m holding. Scissors. Tears threaten to surface as my vision blurs slightly to see an overlay of worlds. Me in the bathroom, me in my mindscape, both clutching the razor-sharp scissors.

“You can do it, Lexi. Even when you think you’re weak, you have me. I make you strong. Now, do it.” His massive tail circles around me in familiar comfort. I fade back fully with Kai.

“I’m not sure I’m ready,” I choke out.

“You are.”

“I’m scared.” I can’t hold back any longer. Rivers of salty tears begin to stream down my cheeks, converging on my chin.

“That’s why you have me. I am the one who supports you, who believes in you. Even though I know the truth.” He blows warm air over my face, making my hair sway. “You’re safe, as long as you listen.”

I sniffle and suck down snot that’s dripping from my nose into the back of my throat. “But what if…?” My hands tighten more around the scissors.

“If what?” His tail slightly constricts. “If you were different? If you weren’t so weak? If you were someone of actual worth?” His torso is directly in front of me while his tail still holds me. “Those are only dreams, girl. False, like all the rest.” He slashes his front claw at me, but only rips my shirt. I know he could have torn into my chest, but he spared me. “If I had been anyone else who knew the truth, do you think they would show such mercy?”

A sob escapes me.

“You are not beautiful like your father thinks, or wise like your mother thinks. The truth is you are nothing.” His tail gives a tight squeeze that takes my breath away, and then whips his tail away releasing me in a spin. “You are not worth a second glance, a second thought.” He begins pacing in front of me like a warden. “So do it, girl. Prove you can do one thing right.”

I twist the scissors with my right hand into a tight fist. Each step Kai takes swirls the mist of memories at our feet. I lay my left wrist against my knee and stare down at the veins throbbing within it. The veins of blood that pump to my heart and give me life. My tears are running chaotically down my face. I don’t fight them back anymore. I sob again, and again, and again, my head bowed. Gobs of snot flow from my nose converging at the tip of my lip. What would it be like to end the pain? Would it be silent? Would it be wondrous? Would I be free?

“No one wants you here. No one loves you.”

“But, my parents….” I stare at the section of pulsing veins. “…so kind….” I know one strong gash and I could be gone — for good.

“No. They only pretend to. What other choice do they have? They just put up with you wasting their time.”

Another sob, this one raking through my body, cresting at my head, which is thrown back. I close my eyes and grip the scissors tighter in my right hand. They are my anchor. They are solid. They are my salvation.

“You are nothing, girl! Do hear me? Can you hear through that thick head of yours? Can you understand your irrelevance in this life? Don’t you understand that your family, your friends, everyone would be better off with you dead?”

“I know.” A shaky intake of breath. “But, I still don’t want to.”

“Yes, you do. That’s why I’m here. I’m here to make you strong. You want to make the world a better place for the people you care about?”

I nod. “Yes.” I swallow spit and tears. “I do.”

“Then do it and they will never again have to look at your ugly face. They will never again have to lie about your beauty, your intelligence. They won’t have to waste their time with you anymore. You know the truth: you are entirely worthless.”

“I am worthless,” I repeat. “I am worthless.” I pry open my eyes and gently place the steel of the scissors against the warm flesh of my wrist. “I am worthless.” I rock back and forth, building up strength, or maybe weakness. “I am worthless.”

“Do it, girl, what are you waiting for!” Kai hollers. I look up to see the Shadows building within his gaping mouth. In a mighty roar, he releases them.

I scream as the Shadows hit me, the roar still ringing in my ears. I’m shaken between my two worlds. Half in my Mindscape with him, and half alone in the bathroom. In both the steel, my anchor, is to my wrist. The Shadows soar and begin encapsulating me. Their pain hitting me as fierce as it always does.

“Do it!” Kai yells above the chaos. “Stop delaying the inevitable. Stop wasting mine, and everyone else’s, time!” He rears up on his hind legs to strike again with his claws.

I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I press down, hard, and jab a quarter inch into my wrist.

I scream from the pain shooting up my arm from the small hole in my wrist. The scissors drop from my hand and clatter to the floor. I hear a loud noise, but it’s not Kai’s roar or the Shadows screams. More like a BANG. I clutch my bleeding wrist with my uninjured hand, trying to stop the flow of blood. The BANG sound comes again. Alone in the bathroom now, no longer in my Mindscape, I search for the noise.

Kai and his Shadows are curling back into his den. He wears an air of contempt and victory. He smiles with a satisfied grin. “I’m winning,” he purrs.

The door to the hallway rattles with each BANG. My parents are both pounding on the door from the opposite side. I hear their voices shouting through it.

“Are you ok? Honey, what’s going on?” BANG. “Let us in!” BANG. BANG. “Please, unlock the door! We can help,” BANG. “Whatever it is.” BANG. “Please!”

I look at my wrist, blood drips slowly from it. BANG. I hang my head looking at the mess I’ve created. BANG.

“Honey? Can we come in?” BANG. “Please!”

“Hold on,” I say hoarsely realizing my throat is full of mucus. I get up, and almost slip walking to the door. The blood is flowing faster. I grab a towel and wrap it around my incriminating wrist, hoping they might not notice.

I unlock the door and open it a crack. My parents both stare at me, concern in their eyes.

“Honey, are you ok?” Mom asks with a slight step forward.

I look between them. My mother who is so brilliant and yet can’t see that I’m failing her. My father who is so kind and yet can’t see that I’m hideous. I swallow and push the door open wide. Both sets of eyes go straight to the towel, which is already stained with blood.

“Oh my god! Sweetie? What happened?” My mom rushes to undo my pathetic attempt at a bandage and pulls me further into the bathroom to run my wrist under some warm water.

I sniffle and rub my nose with my non-bleeding hand. “I don’t really…” I pause staring at the blood swirling down the drain.

My dad follows us in and starts grabbing supplies, “It’s ok, dear. Breathe. Take your time. You can tell us anything, and it’ll be alright.” He hands my mom some clean towels and a roll of bandages. He strokes my back gently up and down. Softly repeating, “It’s alright. It’s going to be alright.”

I watch as Mom finishes cleaning my wrist and applies the bandage snuggly along my gash. After it’s taped off, I retract my arm and clutch my injured wrist to my heart. “I think…” I let out a small sniffle and pause. I look between them again. Both of their faces show emotions of concern, worry, and …something else.

Sympathy?

Compassion?

Love?

Is that love? Yes! That’s it, it is love. They really do love me. Kai whips his tail at this thought, causing my resolve to momentary shake, but I push him back down, gulp, and try again.

“I think I need…” I take a deep breath, and close my eyes tight. “Some help,” I spit out super quick.

“Oh, honey!” my mom falls to her knees hugging me and bringing me down to the bathroom floor with her. “Thank god.” She starts shaking and kisses the top of my head, all the while hugging me tighter.

“What’s going…?”

She doesn’t respond. Instead, she just continues to weep and hold me tight.

“Dad, what’s she…?” I look up at Dad.

He kneels down with us. “We were hoping you would ask for help. Neither of us knew it was this bad though, we wouldn’t have waited if we knew it was so much more than just teen hormones.”

“What do you mean, ‘more than’?”

He brushes some loose strands of hair away from my eye and tucks it behind my ear. “You’re struggling with depression, Lexi. But we are going to help you fight it.” He clasps hands with my mom, who can only nod an affirmative through her weeping.

I squint, depression? Kai is as real as my own reflection. I see him, smell him, know him. Could he really be something else? Could he be my depression? Could I truly have allies in the fight against him? Could I win?

Kai rumbles from within his cave. “Just you wait, girl. The war is only beginning.”

“Depression,” I mummer slowly, articulating each syllable slowly.

My dad bows his head into my shoulder and joins the sobbing hug. “Yes, sweetie. Yes.”

My wrist still hurts, my clothes are stained with blood, and I can smell dinner burning in the oven. But for the first time in a long time, I felt something akin to hope.

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This was first published in Crash Phillosphy Vol. 1 which can be found HERE.

Thank you for reading.