Just Another Medication

I'm putting a trigger warning at the beginning of this short story for a reason. There is parts of this short story that mentions abuse and sexual assault. Readers be advised.

****

I was feeling extremely anxious today. I was filling out a psychiatry form for my new doctor. It was my first time seeing a psychiatrist. My family doctor had referred me to him just a few months ago. The waitlist was long and drawn out. It took long enough for me to get in to see him that's for sure. I was wearing blue jeans and an oversized sweatshirt. My long brown hair was pulled back into a messy bun. A stray strand of hair blew across my face while I was filling out the forms. I had been diagnosed with C-PSTD by my family doctor a few months ago which is why he recommended me seeing Dr. Paul. The waiting room was bright and cheery with potted plants decorating the place. The light from the windows brightened the whole place up. I sighed. I hated waiting.

"Eden?" the receptionist called from the doorway. She was a tall blonde lady with a pixie cut. She had on a pair of thick dark glasses.

I turned my head in response. "Yes?"

"Are you done with your form?" The pixie cut receptionist asked with a polite smile.

"Oh yes." I replied anxiously. I handed her the paper form and pen. I hoped I filled it out right. Is there really a wrong way to fill out a psychiatry form though?

About five minutes went by. All of a sudden the receptionist was back in the waiting room. Her soft voice said, "Eden, Dr. Paul is ready to see you now." I followed the receptionist out of the door and down the hallway into a well lit office. Dr. Paul was sitting at a large mahogany desk. There were certificates all along the wall. The window was open and there was a slight breeze wafting in. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I did not expect him to be so young and attractive.

"Hi there Eden. It's nice to meet you I'm Doctor Paul." He smiled at me with ultraviolet white teeth. His hair was a dark brown and it was styled to perfection.

"It's nice to meet you." I said while I sat down in one of his brown leather seats. I began anxiously fiddling with my mood ring on my left hand.

His green eyes shone into mine and I tried very hard not to notice how attractive he was. "So I have spoken with your family doctor prior to this meeting and expressed his worries about your mental health. I checked out the form you filled out briefly but what I really like to do with my patients is get to know them on a personal level. "He gave me a small smile as if to reassure me that this was a safe space. I stopped looking at his eyes and stared at my feet.

"I don't know where to begin honestly. A lot has happened that I don't normally talk about." I sighed.

"I understand that, but in order for me to help you, I need you to be able to open up to me." Dr. Paul said.

I paused for a moment before letting out a big exhale of air. "Okay, here it goes," I began. "When I was seventeen years old I thought I met the love of my life. I couldn't have been more wrong. We moved in together rather fast and that should have been a red flag for me. He began abusing me rather quietly. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends without his permission. I felt isolated and alone. He used to yell at me over the silliest things. That's when the physical abuse started. I remember one night when he threw a kitchen chair over my head and into our television stand. Glass shattered all over the place but I just sat there, feeling numb. As if I had no more emotions."

Dr. Paul began writing things down in his note book. "It's okay." He said. "Can you keep going?"

I kept fidgeting with my mood ring more. "We ended up breaking up after that happened but I soon found out that I was pregnant with his child. He pretended the whole pregnancy that the baby wasn't his. I remember one day we were arguing and he lunged for my throat. I didn't think anything of it until it happened again, only the second time he wound up pinning me to the kitchen floor. I never had the courage to call the cops on him because I thought I was in love. It wasn't until I finally got out of that relationship with him that I realized how stupid I was."

Dr. Paul wrote a few things down and then he looked at me with concern in his green eyes. "You are not stupid. I'm grateful your family doctor referred you to me. Do you see a counsellor at all?" I nodded meekly. "Okay that's good, I want you to continue going with that. Is there more that you feel comfortable with sharing with me?"

I looked down at my hands in my lap. I wanted to open up about the rape that had occurred but it felt strange opening up to this strange man about what happened. "Can I bring it up next time I see you? I struggle talking to men about the sexual abuse I had endured from my ex-partner."

He smiled softly. "Of course. I understand. For now, I'm going to prescribe you a drug that will help with both depression and anxiety. And we can work towards your healing more on a one on one basis."

I felt relieved. Like I finally found a man that I could trust. "I don't open up to many people about the abuse I had endured with the father of my children for a reason. He walked away looking like the hero and I was left picking up the pieces of my broken heart while raising a family all alone."

He nodded. "I understand that and trust me Eden you are not crazy. You are abused. Your family doctor was right with the C-PTSD diagnosis. I'd like to see you once a month so we can get you healthy for your children again. I have got ask though, do you have a restraining order against that man?" I shook my head no. He looked me dead in the eyes and said. "Get one. You deserve to feel safe again and that is a good step towards healing from the trauma you have endured with your ex-partner."

I felt like hugging myself. It felt like someone other than my counselor finally could see what I went through. All the terror filled nights not knowing what kind of mood my ex-husband was in. I could feel tears filling because I wanted to open up more but the time was cut short. He scribbled a script for me to take to the pharmacy and handed it to me. "Make an appointment with my receptionist for one months time."

I took the piece of paper very carefully from him. "Thank you Dr. Paul." I stood up and he shook my hand.

"It was nice meeting you Eden. I'll see you in a month." Dr. Paul said to me with a small smile on his face. My heart fluttered a little with our skin being in contact. I tried my best to ignore it and I shuffled very quickly out the door of his office.

****

One month later....

I sat back in Dr. Paul's waiting room. The medication he prescribed had helped me just a little bit. I was looking forward to seeing him actually. The receptionist led me into his office. He was wearing a dark grey button up and his hair was perfect just like the last time I had seen him.

"Good morning Eden." He said cheerfully.

"Good morning Dr. Paul." I replied meekly.

"How have things been going on the new medication. Did it help you at all?" He asked inquisitively.

I sighed." Yes and no. Nothing seems to change the way I feel though. It definitely helped my mood a bit but talking about the abuse is what helps me the most."

"I understand that. How has your sleep been?" He asked.

"Not that great. I have nightmares sometimes about him that I can't pull myself out of." I looked down at my hands. I felt so lost most days because nobody seemed to believe me. My ex-husband was very good at manipulating the people around him. He was a charming guy, kind of like Jeffery Dahmer was. People liked him but he was capable of unspeakable acts behind closed doors.

"I see..." He scribbled a few things down in his notebook. I couldn't help but notice his writing was absolutely perfect. "How's things been with the kids?"

"Good." I said cheerfully. I was surprised by that question.

"I'm glad. Those two deserve to have a happy mother and I'm going to keep working with you until that happens." I started fidgeting with my mood ring again. The way his green eyes poured into mine was overwhelming to me. He was super attractive in that dark grey button up. "Do you feel comfortable with talking more about the abuse story?"

I shook my head no. "My children were living proof that I was raped by that man and I have a hard time wrapping my head around it still to this day. I know in my heart that he never loved me and all I have left is them. I poured my heart out to a man who ended up abusing me." I pulled my legs up to my chest and hugged them close to me.

Dr. Paul held a hand up. "We don't have to talk about that until you're ready. I never want to push a patient to retraumatize themselves by telling their story. I believe you." I wanted to cry but I learnt a long time ago that my tears did nothing. I hollowed out my heart a million times for the wrong person and I have to pay the price by having children with that man. "The important thing Eden is that you're getting help." I nodded my head. "Do you have anything else that you wanted to discuss with me today?"

Still hugging my legs, I replied. "Not that I can think of."

He sighed in thought. "Let's add a sleeping aide and see how that makes you feel by next month okay? It might help relax you at night" He scribbled out another prescription for me to try out. He handed it to me. "Let us get you feeling better and stronger for your little ones. You have been through a lot and you don't have to be afraid to open up to me." His green eyes poured into my own. I felt speechless.

"Thank-you Dr. Paul." I replied cautiously.

"One other thing before you go, I wanted to give you my number in case you ever need anything outside of my work hours." He scribbled his phone number on a scrap piece of paper. "Anything you need, day or night, just let me know."

I was blown away. Was he hitting on me? Or was this genuine concern. I couldn't tell. Men usually terrify me after what my ex-husband did to my heart. "Thank-you Dr. Paul." I replied hesitantly. There were a million alarm bells going off in my head right now.

He smiled at me. "Make sure you make another appointment with Jen on your way out." I nodded politely and made a quick escape out of his office with the sleeping pill script and his phone number tucked into my purse.

****

Filling the sleeping pill prescription later that day, I was conflicted. I know it is unprofessional for a doctor to hit on their patient but there was something about those green eyes that absolutely captivated me. As the pharmacist filled my new medication, I stared at the handwritten note he had gave me. I smiled softly to myself. He had written his full name on the piece of paper.

Gordon Paul- 555-555-5555

It took the pharmacist about twenty minutes to fill my medication so I had lots of time to reflect on meeting this new doctor of mine. I wondered to myself, did he have a wife or a girlfriend? Was he actually hitting on me or was it just his way of trying to be there for me. Whatever the reason, I had an odd feeling about it. Part of me just wanted to throw it away and pretend it never happened. However, the anti-depressants he prescribed did seem to help. If only my nightmares would go away.

****

One month later...

I felt like I had to dress up for this appointment with Dr. Paul. I decided instead of my usual sweatshirt and jeans that I was going to wear a skirt and a nice top. The weather was nice enough for it anyways. It was mid-June and I have now been seeing Dr. Paul for almost three months. My heart fluttered while I sat in the waiting room. The receptionist Jen called to me from the doorway, "Eden, he's ready for you." I smoothed my skirt and stood up and followed Jen towards his office.

Dr. Paul was in a paisley patterned shirt this time. I thought it looked nice on him. "Good morning Eden." He greeted me cheerfully. "How are the kids doing?"

"Fine." I replied cautiously. I sat down in his brown leather armchair that was starting to feel a little too much like home.

"How did the sleeping medication work?" He asked curiously. His brown hair was a little messier than usual.

"Honestly Dr. Paul, I sleep through the night now. I still have nightmares but it's easier to manage now thanks to you." I smoothed my skirt down again. I don't wear things like this very often so I was slightly uncomfortable.

He gave me a warm smile. "Good, I'm glad I could help. Is there anything that you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well, uh actually there is." I began fumbling with my words. "I think that I'm ready to try going on a date but I am just so scared that I'm going to fall in love with the wrong person again. I'm terrified to let anyone love me after what I've been through. I know this is something that I should be talking to my counselor about but I thought you might have some advice for me."

He sat there and thought for a moment. "I think you just have to meet the right person to share your story with Eden. The right person will come along one day. I wonder if adding a daily anxiety drug would help ease your worries. Definitely have a conversation with your counsellor about the way you're feeling. I'm sure they will be able to guide you far better than I can. Can I have permission from you to share notes with your counselor?"

I was shocked. Why didn't he ask this on our first session? "Um, yeah I don't see why not. I just want to get better."

Dr. Paul printed off a form for me to sign. This was deeply personal to me. I signed my name on the document. "Thanks Eden. I'll give Tracy a copy of this and we can work together to help you with what you're going through. You never deserved the abuse. Just remember that."

I could feel tears welling up but I don't let myself cry in front of people anymore. "Thank-you Dr. Paul."

"Please, call me Gordon. Now, let's get you an anxiety medication to add into the mix. I'm certain that will help you overcome some of your daily fears." He scribbled yet another script for me to fill. He had to be hitting on me I thought to myself. What doctor tells you to use their first name. He handed me the piece of paper and said, "I truly hope you feel better Eden. If you need anything you have my number."

****

It was a Saturday night and I had a few drinks in me with some friends. My children were at their grandparents for the night. I had told them all about the handsome psychiatrist that gave me his phone number.

My best friend Isla was hinting at me calling him all night. "Come on Eden you said he was hot. How old is he again?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know like he has to be in his late thirties because of all his degrees. He looks young though."

She giggled. "Man it is about time you started dating again."

I death glared at her. "He is my psychiatrist, don't you think that's a little unprofessional?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Why did he give you his number then Eden? Come on girl I'm not blind I know you like him more than you care to admit." My heart raced just thinking about his green eyes. I just shrugged it off like it wasn't a big deal but it kind of was.

After a drunken taxi ride home from the bar, I stumbled into my house and stared at the note on my fridge that had his number on it. I looked at the time on my stove. It was one o'clock in the morning. He has to have a wife, I thought to myself. Or a girlfriend. No way a man that attractive is single. And the fact that he told me to call him Gordon. I had no idea what to do with myself. I decided I was too drunk and that it was too late to call so I took my medications and headed off to bed.

When I got up in the morning, I had a pounding headache from the night before. Probably wasn't smart mixing my medications with liquor. I groaned. Maybe it was time to call him. He seemed like he was putting moves on me but it was unprofessional. I have never felt so conflicted about something in my whole life. Isla seemed to think it was a good idea last night. But of course she is full of bad ideas. I grabbed his number off of my fridge and sat down on the couch with my cell phone in hand. I took a huge sigh, and punched the numbers into my phone. On the first ring, I immediately panicked and hung up. What if he just did it to be polite? What if he gives it out to every paitent he sees as a "just in case" thing. I just put the paper back on my fridge and ignored the anxiety that was building in the pit of my stomach. I texted Isla and told her what I almost did so I had someone else to die inside with me. I sighed and checked my calendar, my next appointment was in about two weeks and I decided I would work up the courage to ask him then.

***

Today was the day, the day I finally ask Dr. Paul, or well, Gordon, if he had a wife. I was jittery in the waiting room. "He's ready for you Eden." Jen smiled politely at me and led me towards his office. He had his back turned to me when I walked in but as soon as he heard me sit down on the brown leather couch, he turned around to face me. He gave me that great ultraviolet white smile and asked cheerfully, "Hey Eden, how are the new meds working?"

"I don't know if my anxiety is every going to go away. It helps keep me level but I still live with it." I started fiddling with my mood ring.

"That's all we can do. When someone that has experienced as much trauma as you have, I understand the way you feel. I also got in contact with Tracy your counselor and I got to see some of her notes on your case. You have been through more than you give yourself credit for."

I sighed. "Sometimes I feel like I deserved everything that happened to me."

Dr. Paul shook his head. "No you cannot allow yourself to talk down on yourself like that. You're strong. I meant it when I said to call me whenever you need."

I looked at him quizzically and dared myself to ask the question. "Does that include after a night out of drinking at 1 o'clock in the morning?"

He laughed and gave me a wink. "You know you shouldn't drink on your medication."

"I'm not an alcoholic, it was just one night out!" I laughed.

He smirked at me, with a twinkle in his green eyes. "Next time you get the urge to call me, just do it. I won't mind."

I paused for a second. Was he actually hitting on me? I felt so exposed. He has seen my medical records and spoken with my counselor, yet here we are in this curious predicament. I had no idea what to say. I just blushed a deep crimson red.

He laughed and asked, "Is there anything that I can help you with today? I don't think we need to adjust your medication for now. I want you to book an appointment for about three months from now."

I couldn't hide my disappointment. I looked forward to seeing him once a month. "Okay, that sounds good. Thank you Dr. Paul."

"Please Eden, call me Gordon." His green eyes were twinkling.

"Okay, Gordon. I'll see you around." I replied curtly and made a swift exit from his office. What on earth was I thinking? I can't catch feelings for my god damn psychiatrist. Those eyes though, they melt my heart in ways I didn't know was possible. I was so frustrated that I didn't even get the courage up to ask if he had a wife or a girlfriend. My damn overthinking brain. He winked at me, he had to be hitting on me. It felt wrong.

****

A few days had passed since that last appointment and it was another Saturday night where my children were staying at their grandparents place. It was about 7 o'clock at night and I had just finished my second glass of wine. I went up to the fridge to pour myself a third glass and the little piece of paper with Dr. Gordon Paul's number was written on. I stared at it for a moment before ripping it off the fridge. I grabbed my phone and dialed the number before I could talk myself out of doing it. It rang a few times before he picked up the phone.

"Hello?" My heart raced at the sound of his voice.

"Hi Dr. Paul, its Eden." I replied cautiously.

"Oh. Hi Eden, I wasn't expecting you to call."

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you." I couldn't believe I had actually called him.

"No not at all, I just finished supper. Is there something that I can help you with?" He asked cautiously.

I paused for a second. "Well I guess I was wondering if you wanted to come have a drink with me?"

He laughed. "Well I mean that does kind of break some rules here, you are my patient after all." I instantly regretted all my life choices then and there. "But sure, why not." He said. My heart raced. "What's your address?" I quickly rattled off my address for him. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone. What did I just do?

About twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at my front door. I checked myself out in the mirror before heading towards my front door. My hair was a little bit of a mess so I quickly flattened it and checked my teeth. I took a huge breath and opened it very carefully, and there he was, standing there dressed in a plain white t-shirt and jeans. He had a brown paper bag in his left hand. "Hi." I said softly.

"Hi." He chuckled. There was a spark in his green eyes. "Can I come in?"

"Of course." I laughed. I led him into my kitchen.

"I brought a bottle of wine, I hope that's okay." He set the paper bag on my kitchen table.

I gestured to my empty wine glass. "I might have had the same idea tonight. Here let me get you a glass." I reached into my cupboard and grabbed a matching glass. I handed him the bottle opener and he popped the red wine and poured us each a glass.

He chuckled. "You know I don't normally do house calls right?"

I blushed. "I don't even know why I called to be honest. I just had a little feeling in my gut that I should." I took a sip of my wine. "Why did you give me your number?"

He ran his hands through his hair. "There is just something about you that I really liked Eden. You're not like most women I know and I like that."

I gestured to my living room. "Do you want to go sit down?"

He chuckled. "Sure."

We moved to the living room with our glasses of wine. We spent a little while talking about our interests and life in general. I asked him if he had a wife and he told me he was never married which kind of made my heart happy. Before I knew it, the bottle of wine was empty. I laughed and showed Dr. Paul the empty bottle. "Well now what?" I asked.

His green eyes peered into mine. "Can I kiss you?"

I blushed and my heart fluttered. "Of course." He leaned in and the moment our lips touched I had a million fireworks that went off inside my chest. I ran my fingers through his stylish brown hair and kissed him back even harder. We paused for a moment and laughed, then went straight back to kissing each other. I had instant regret though because he was my doctor. How on earth was I supposed to go back to his office the same way? Maybe Dr. Paul can become a part of my new medication routine...

Chloe Rose Violet

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