It Fixes Everything

I see the humans are at it again. Lines of salt and iron horseshoes everywhere. It’s so cute of them to think that will help – all it does is point me towards the best places to go. I just stepped over a double line of salt to get into this room, and I’m not disappointed. There’s enough in here to cause mayhem for at least two or three weeks. To start with, I plan to hammer the contents of all of these boxes of nails into the overhead beams. The idiots just left the hammer hanging here in the wall right above them. Have to make sure to bend them while I’m at it, so they can’t pull them back out and use them.

They should never have started this war – they could easily have built their house in another part of the woods. But no, they dropped it right where I planned to build MY house, the assholes. They haven’t learned yet that they can’t win this game – every silly attempt to stop me just inspires me to come up with something new. You should hear them shrieking every time I drop by. Does a cup of salt in your cookies really merit that much noise? Think of how much cheaper it is than sugar. And was all that crying really necessary over a couple of spoons greased with butter? Ok, so it was all the spoons. And the forks. And maybe a cleaver. But still, the reaction was excessive.

This new room, now – there are all kinds of things I can get into here. And so neatly arranged, with everything hung up on pegs in sensible little groups. Except for this round thing with the hole in it, that they left in the middle of the table. Maybe they got distracted and forgot to put it away? It’s quite pretty. Dark grey and shiny, and *oof*…heavy. If I tip it up on the side, I think I can just roll it right off the edge.

I wonder what it does? There are layers and layers of it, all stuck together. Wait – there’s a little edge folded over right here. Let me just pull on this. Boy, they’re not smart – this is so easy it’s like they wanted me to mess with it . All I have to do is give this corner a good pull, and stand on the end, and it will drop right onto the floor.

Wheeeee… Look at that thing go…now let me just jump down and roll it over… damn it, my foot’s stuck. Let me just step out of my shoe, and…shit, now my foot really IS stuck. If I brace myself here…WHAT THE HELL. How did it wrap around my back? OUCH, it just pulled me off the ledge with it. What is going on, it’s rolling everywhere!

HELP! It’s wrapped around my legs, and I can’t get it off my torso. Maybe if I just roll over here…

***

I have been stuck to the wall for three days. One of the short ones opened the door, saw me, and ran away screeching with laughter. He brought the whole crowd of them back with him, and they’ve been standing here pointing and howling for half an hour. Just go away and leave me to my misery. Good, they're finally…NO, NO NOT THE CAT!!

I don’t know what this powerful magical substance is, but it seems that this is the end for me. I have no weapons to fight it. One of the vile small creatures just came back to stare at me and then ran away again screaming…”Mom, mom, you were totally right. Duct tape DOES fix everything!”