Isolated

It was in early 2022 when the top doctors recommended yet another round of lockdowns. I knew this would be the final one. The way the news now talked about the world was if we were saying goodbye to our long distance friends for good and this new world was going to be all about surviving in our own isolation with nothing but our own wits and determination. It was the loneliest situation in the world. Having to disconnect completely from the ones you love while death rates spiked and you wondered whether or not you would be next. Or worse yet, hoped you may be so you could avoid this abusive cycle you had been trapped in.

My husband Gregory had begun losing his mind way back in mid 2020. He had started working from home during the original pandemic and he never went back. Spending all his time at home really brought out the crazy theories in him. You know the ones saying the entire world planned this much death and destruction to teach us a lesson and get us. Or you know the one where people believed they were being microchipped as if your cell phone doesn't already have a tracking device in it. As we went into 2021 he just continued to spiral. It was intense. He started drinking heavily and even at one point threatened to kill my little brother who my parents sent to stay with us once the restrictions began to lift.

I knew in late 2021 when that third wave and new variants continued to pop up that I was inevitably going to die alone. Gregory had moved us to his parents old cabin which had been abandoned since 2014 when his dad died. It needed a lot of work and Gregory was watching every DIY video on how to make our home the safest it could be. His drinking got out of hand and he was becoming physically violent. He would get aggressive with me when I turned down his drunken sexual advances. He would scream for hours on end about how I was brainwashed when he presented a theory and I had a slight hesitation.

My only solace came in the form of long walks around the property. Gregory had done his best to seal it off from the outside world but there was nothing he could do to stop me from always being on the go. I looked long and hard for a way out as every night he would become violent with me after I sat for hours in the fields of Marigolds. I just wished that I was with someone I loved as I plucked at the flowers and thought of alternative situations where I was happy.

Gregory would hit me, curse me out and cry saying that I was the reason the world was like this. I didn't listen to those who had warned me. All the blame was on me. All the things that went wrong were my fault. The crops didn't plant? It was my fault for not helping him even though when I did help him he would get so angry he held my face in the dirt. It was hard to breathe but still I sat silently as he did this everyday. I desperately had hoped for a way out. I needed a way out. I needed to breathe again.

It was in the summer drought that we needed to venture into the local market now. Which was under high security. We weren't able to sustain ourselves and Gregory hated it. He would always accompany me to town out of fear that I would somehow ruin everything if I went on my own. Almost everything was outdoors now. Being inside with people was considered taboo so they created these makeshift outdoor super markets in large parking lots. Only a certain number of people could shop until it was time to close for sanitization. 15 people every half hour. Then it was an hour of cleaning. So every hour and half 15 people could shop. It was only open during the daylight hours so they took advantage of the summer. I started to help out more and more where I could which led to severe punishment from Gregory for putting us at risk.

I knew there were opportunities in this new world if Gregory would have just let me live. He just wasn't cut out of this world anymore. His paranoia wasn't leading to advancements. He was just holding me back. At first I was afraid of this new world and him but now I needed to fight back. Communities relied on each other. Relied on individual strengths. Gregory could not break that.

My field of Marigolds had once been my solace and I knew it would also become my saving grace. Gregory wanted to do a perimeter search because he felt like people were going to come take the land we had. It was yet another one of his delusional schemes to make everyone out to be the bad guy. While Gregory had gone to town the previous day without me I had rearranged one of his traps and spring loaded it in the middle of the field. If anyone came asking questions it would have looked like an accident. You couldn't get public funerals anymore so I didn't think anyone would come asking. People were too afraid to ask questions about the dead.

I know so many people will tell me this wasn't right but not everyone get beat up every night. Bruises, hand prints around the neck for just expressing freedom of thought. Left at home until it healed and then do it all again just for saying high to the guy at the vegetable stand. There were ways to live in this new world. This wasn't it. It was a choice I was always going to have to live with but I came to term with it. I will always remember that scream when he stepped into the trap. I didn't make him suffer. I ended it quickly for him. It was the way it needed it to be. I needed to be free to once again enjoy the fields of Marigolds for what they represented. Loss, Grief and the peace of mind that I could move forward. I had no one to turn to when the world went to hell. So I relied on myself until I was strong enough to take my life back. That's what I did. I took my life back from a monster.