In A Beer World, It Was A Bourbon Kind Of Day

I tossed a silver Eisenhower on the bar which she snatched up before the coin stopped spinning.

The bourbon was good, the crowd lousy.

But after getting worked over by Vinnie's thugs, a quiet place where nobody knew my name was on the menu.

A couple, avoiding home life, were locked in a tight embrace. I marveled at what the pink cocktails can do to the common sense of a good-looking woman.

I was about to light up my pipe when...

"No pipes"

Looking up, the barkeep had a pack of unfiltered Camels in her hand.

"Here, have one. In fact take two, you look like you need it"

I grabbed the two cigarettes, slipping one by behind my ear and the other between my lips, before I could flick my Bic.

"Allow me"

With one hand, she flips open a dragon styled Zippo, leaning forward, lights my Camel. I noticed she was packing. And it was no pea shooter.

"Well, well, well. Is it real or are you trying to get my attention?"

Faster than a lawyer causing confusion she pulled the gun and pointing right between my eyes.

I didn't blink, four-fingers of bourbon will do that to you.

"I didn't think they made Brockton in a delicate size"

"Custom made" and the barkeep replaced her pea shooter...

Reaching across with her hand, "Betty"

I shook her hand, "Sam"

"I could use another, Betty..."

Her name rolled off my tongue with ease.

"Four-fingers again?"

"Yeah. I got a bad feeling this day isn't over yet"

Pouring the top shelf stuff into my glass, Betty's eyes lingered longer than necessary before walking to the other end of the bar to attend to a pair of pink-straw cocktail drinkers.

The lights flickered.

The door burst open as the lights came back on. A strong gust of wind followed the man entering the bar.

My day went from bad to horrible. In walked a G-Man. Not any G-Man, but one from experiences, Big Mike. Big Mike and I go way back. Not all good. Our last encounter he tried to book me on some trumped-up charge of disturbing our natural order and peace.

"Just a G-Man" is insufficient to describe Big Mike. He was half man and half Fae. Elvish for those of you unfamiliar with the Fae. Not elves but it is easier for you to understand.

"Sam"

"Mike"

"Been here long?" Big Mike asked.

"Long enough. Join me?"

"Sure. Irish for me Lass. Make it a double"

Betty slapped down the glass and walked away. Almost as though she couldn't get away fast enough.

"Word on the street is your dance card was booked earlier"

"Yeah Vinnie's boys find me attractive"

The couple was still locked in a tight embrace when the lights went out again.

When the lights came back on, the girl was ripping the throat of her soon to be departed lover.

Big Mike and I both went for our guns.

A shot rang out. Big Mike and I both looked down the bar as Betty was putting her Brockton back into its holster.

She was fast.

But was a succubus doing in my joint?

I needed another drink. Having seen many demons die, killing a few along the way, is not how you want to spend your evening. First there is the smell. Demons stink. In this case the added stench of her dinner didn't help the ambiance. Bourbon helped. But bourbon helped most things.

"What's Mitey Mite doing here?" Big Mike asked.

"Do I look like a soothsayer? Why not ask him?" I motioned to Betty for more bourbon. Betty thumped the bottle down in front of me. Catching her eye, she looked cold. Not from the temperature, but cold to the bone soul cold. Glacier water, barely thawed, flowed through her veins.

"Well they can't just pop up and in whenever they want"

"Yo TooTall. Imma right here, ya dunna have to pretend I ain't. Me lovely lass, how's about a nutter liter of this golden nectar?"

I really needed my pipe. What's a good bourbon without a few puffs of good tobacco? Cigarettes do in a pinch, but the pipe is the end all.

"Are y'all getting scared? I am looking at you TooTall".

Shit I thought. We should be scared. I was going to say something when Big Mike went where Big Mike always goes....to the insult.

"Listen here, short stuff. I do not care if you are one of the little miners building rock castles and cities underground. One does not pop into another man's place of respite and start trying to scare people."

"Shut-up" I said which caused Big Mike to stop talking, which is quite a feat, but to turn, reaching for his piece under his official G-Man coat. But faster than a dwarf picking up a piece of gold, Betty had her custom Brockton pointed at Big Mike's forehead.

Looking at Mitey Mite, "So it's true?"

Mitey Mite glanced at me over the foam of his liter of ale, surprise in his eyes.

"I dunna know what ya know, so I dunno know if its true"

Big Mike and Betty turned towards me.

"When a demon, if y'all don't recall a succubus is definitely a demon, is killed, the demon chain of command is authorized to take revenge; within 4-6 hours, maybe faster."

"Aye, ya gotta most of it right lad, only part ya got wrong is the timing; time means nudda to demons. Lass, might I trouble ya for a bit more of this heavenly drink. I seemed to have finished this one."

Big Mike, Betty and I all stared at Mitey Mite. The liter glass was full a moment ago.

"Mitey Mite, what is your real name?" Mitey Mite didn't fit.

"I be called, Dwarrneeganistankhumbolt, but y'all can call me Dwa."

"Oh, and forgot to mention one other detail about killing a demon; we are now marked, so running away won't help, as the demons can follow a scent through time and space"

It wasn't enough Vinnie's thugs had used my body as a punching bag, I am stuck with a dwarf, a half-breed G-Man and a cold as ice bartender with a custom Brockton and reflexes that make lightning appear to be slow while we wait for demon to come play Hatfield to our McCoy.

I took out my pipe. Tapping hard on the bar to remove any remnants of my last smoke, I packed some weed from the forests near the outer wall and checked the draw. I went to light my pipe and once again I heard the distinct flash of metal as Betty held her zippo near my pipe bowl waiting.

Our eyes lingered again, but this time there was something beyond cold in her eyes. Not warmth, but different from the cold earlier.

Simple rings of smoke started floating to the ceiling. Soon, rings inside of rings; followed by dragons; but my best was a smoke ring which turned inside out. Can't picture this, well you need a few bourbons first. Quality bourbon, none of the knock-off shit the thugs who work for Vinnie drink. The smoke of my pipe tried to mask the death odor of the demon, but only worked for me. Or perhaps the bourbon was masking the stench, I didn't care which.

Halfway down the bar, Big Mike and Dwa were talking animatedly. If not for the lingering odor and the impending doom of a visit from a Master Demon, tonight would have been a comical sight. But in this case, it only elicited a smile. Big Mike with the double shot glass looking like a thimble in his hand and Dwa with an oversized mug of beer in his. Betty was leaning against the back of the bar looking at the burned circle where the succubus once occupied.

I was thinking, how could things be worse, when the door burst open. Two men, er things, the size of ogres entered, one after another. Dwa's beard hair bristled and Big Mike lowered his hand to his gun.

After the ogres cleared the area, in walked the skinniest weasel of a man in history. Vinnie and his two thugs. I got to stop thinking "how could things be worse" because some higher power keeps taking great pleasure in showing me.

"If it isn't Vincent and his two overstuffed teddy bears" I quipped.

The two thugs walked towards Big Mike cracking their knuckles. Big Mike put down the double thimble sized shot glass, pulled back his coat exposing his piece.

Pivoting 90 degrees and focusing now on Dwa, they advanced. Dwa smiled at them and went back to drinking his beer. When he turned away, his "hammer" happened to fall away from the bar.

The thugs stopped dead in their tracks. As primitive brain cells recognized a Dwarf's hammer and without using a single brain cell, instincts forced them into self-preservation.

Gazing around the joint they spotted Betty. You need to remember these thugs were the evolutionary distillation of thuggery; all muscles with brains the size of peas. In fact, they epitomized pea brained creatures.

As the peas worked overtime trying to decide what to do, Betty tilted her head a bit and gave them the "do you want to try me" glare, the thugs went to stand behind Vinnie.

She was an 8 bit dame in a 2 bit joint. She had more class than the rest of us put together. So you don't think too little of Big Mike, Dwa and me, remember the thugs contributed negative class points.

Vinnie and his merry thugs stopped near the corner of the bar near me.

"Sam"

"Vinnie. What brings a weasel like you into a place like this?"

"Sammie. I thought we was friends?"

"You got less between your ears than Thing 1 and Thing 2?"

"Sam. I came here to apologize for the...unfortunate incident from earlier. They was to ask you in a nice polite way to come see me. I didn't think you would say no."

"You send twenty of your muscle-bound meat to ask me "nicely"? Are you taking advice from Pete and RePete here" jabbing my pipe to the thugs.

"I was wanting to make sure you was safe. I don't want to start a war"

"Well Vincent. You, Oaf1 and Oaf2 can turn around and head back to the rat's nest you came from."

Vinnie pinched his rail thin nose. Breathing deep, his chest size doubled.

"Sam. Ahh, I ain't good at asking for favors. Ain't no one else who can help me. My dame has gone missin'. I ain't seen her in days.``

"Vincento. Why would I want to help you find your girl? Maybe she became aware of the real weasel in you and left to join someone higher up, say a pig farmer".

"Sammie, I am beggin' you. She was the bestest doll ever. She knew what I was, but she still loved me"

"Vin. Listen to me. She'll be back. You don't want me finding your gal. If I did, I would tell her what rotten scum of a human you are."

"I know Sam. But there is no one else. When I came back to our place, she was gone, a dark circle on the floor. I figured she was out getting some help to clean up the mess before I got home."

I took a quick long draw on my pipe to hide the fact the warning bell in my head was going off.

"Besides the circle, did you notice anything else peculiar?"

"Peculiar?"

"Yeah, odd. Strange. Whacko?"

"Well it smelled like sulfur."

Big Mike, Dwa and Betty all stopped what they were doing. The only sound was Orge1 and Ogre2 breathing.

To Be Continued

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