I'm sorry, Matthew

“I’m sorry, Matthew”

“Good morning, honey! Did you sleep well?” I asked Matthew as he enters the kitchen.

“I don’t know Mom,” he replied, rubbing his eyes, “what’s for breakfast?” and seated himself on the table.

“Here you go honey, pancakes for you… soft and fluffy, just the way you like them,” as I plant a big morning kiss on my 6-year old boy. “and of course, your favorite chocolate syrup for your pancake.”

“Thanks mom! You’re really the best!” he enthusiastically replied, and gave me a big hug.

R-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-i-n-g!

It only took one ring from the telephone to bring me back to reality, where I found myself alone in the kitchen… with no Matthew around

R-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-i-n-g! R-r-i-i-i-n-g!

My coffee have gone cold, I wasn’t even able to take a sip, I was busy thinking

R-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-i-n-g! R-r-i-i-i-n-g!

I was not really in a hurry to answer the phone

R-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-i-n-g! R-r-i-i-i-n-g!

Maybe because I knew that it’s my mother, who consistently calls every morning to check how I was and maybe to find out if I made it through the night.

R-r-r-r-i-i-i-i-i-n-g! R-r-i-i-i-n-g!

Finally, I stood and picked up the phone, “Hi Mom!”

“Liza!” said the voice on the other line, “why can’t you answer the phone immediately? I know, don’t tell me, you’re thinking about Matthew again, right?” my mother asked

I was silent… I didn’t reply

“It’s been six years already, why can’t you let go? There’s nothing more you can do now.”

“I know mom,” tears started running down my cheeks, “I’m trying my best mom, I do.”

“Oh, I’m sorry sweetie. I didn’t mean to be too harsh on you… I’m just worried. You want me to go there?”

“No mom, I’m just fine really. I understand you mom, and I appreciate it. Thank you very much mom. I really have to go now, talk to you later mom. Bye! I love you.”

“Bye sweetie! Take care of yourself now, I love you.”

I got my coat and went to the park… maybe some fresh air would do me good.

Seating on a park bench and taking a sip on my coffee, a ball rolled near my feet, followed by a cute little girl who picked it up, “Good morning little Becky! What a beautiful dress you’re wearing today! Are you having fun in the park?”

“Hi Miss Liza! I’m sorry if my ball disturbed you, I hope you’re not mad.”

“Oh, you sweet little thing, how thoughtful of you. Of course I’m not mad. You’re really a sweet girl, my Matthew would have loved to play with you”

“So where is Matthew? I’ve been hearing his name but I haven’t seen him yet,” she asked.

I was searching for words, I didn’t know what to answer the little girl.

Just then, Becky’s mother approached us and pulled her, she pointed to me and said, “Don’t you ever talk to my girl about your Matthew again, I don’t want her to have anything of it, you understand?!”

“Hey sweetheart, chill! Liza didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t be too hard on her.” That’s George, Becky’s father

“I’m sick and tired of all this Matthew talk, it’s not normal anymore. You should see a doctor girl, A-S-A-P!” Valerie, Becky’s mother, said to me.

“She just miss him honey, let her be”

“She brought it upon herself, George! She’s at fault! She deserved all this!” yelled Valerie

“You know,” said George, “as a mother like her, you should be the first one to understand her”

“She was NEVER a mother!” she quipped

That’s all I can take. I stood up and run as I was silently crying… everything that Valerie said was true… everything!

I run, not knowing where to go… not knowing what to do… and because I wasn’t looking, I bumped into another person….

“I knew I’d find you here,” said a man’s voice who helped me pick myself up after the collision.

“YOU! Get your hands off me!” I shouted when I recognized the face of the man. It’s Vinz, Matthew’s father… rather, supposed-to-be father.

I met Vinz when I was still a gullible 18-year old, he was 22 then.

Vinz was everything I was looking for in a man – in command, full of confidence, tough and yet does not hesitate showing his softness through his sweetness. He showered me with love, caring, tenderness… I thought it would not end.

I loved him so much, our romance lasted for almost two years… until I excitedly surprised him with the news that I was pregnant… but I was more shocked by his revelation.

“I’m really sorry Liza, I’m excited and all about our baby… but I can’t marry you… I am already married.”

I didn’t know how I reacted, or if I even replied or asked questions… I don’t remember anything… everything went blank… I can’t even recall how we parted ways… all I can remember is that, it was the last time I saw him.

Now, after six years, here he is again… standing in front of me…

“I miss you Liza. I’ve been looking for you. Where’s our child? He must be big now, is he?” he excitedly asked.

“You don’t have a child! You don’t have anything! How dare you show your face to me again! Get out of here! You ruined my life! I don’t want to see you again!”

“Please, let me explain Liza… I just went home to…”

“I don’t want to hear what you have to say Vinz…. I don’t want to see you again…” and when I got loose from his grip, I run again… faster this time…

“Liza! I came back for you… my wife, I mean my ex-wife and I are now legally separated… Liza… please…” Vinz was shouting… but I didn’t hear any of it. I was busy running, my mind was spinning… I’m lost, I don’t know what to do… I was confused, I just kept on running

I found myself standing in front of my mother. She was holding back her tears as she opens her arms and gestures for me to come to her.

“Mom…” I said, as I hug her like I was the baby that I used to be…

“Sshhh…” she said, “you’ve been having a bad day, sweetie.” She hugged me back, I miss my mother’s embrace… it was the most comforting place in the world, inside my mother’s arms.

“Come, let’s go to your room so you can rest.”

That night, I was back in the same room that I grew up in… the same bed I was sleeping in six years ago until I decided to be stupid and run away from home. I was scared to tell them I was pregnant… that’s when I went to Aunt Emmy, who took take care of me while I was still deciding on what to do with my baby.

“Mom…” I called her, she was seated on a chair beside the bed, just watching me, “mom, I’m really sorry…”

“Sshhh… don’t worry about anything sweetie… you need to sleep. I know you’re very tired. Go to sleep now honey… you’re home,” and she kissed me in the forehead… and just like that, I was peaceful again…

I don’t know how long I have been sleeping when I heard a voice call me,

“Mommy”

“Matthew, is that you?” I asked. I looked around but I can’t see a thing. Everything was dark.

“I love you mommy,” said the voice of a boy.

“I love you too Matthew, I do my son, I do”

“LIAR! You don’t love me, you NEVER love me!” he accused me.

“But I do, I really love you Matthew, please believe me”

“Why didn’t you give me a chance to feel that love mommy? Why didn’t you give me a chance to hold you… to touch you… to embrace you… to love you… to see you. Why didn’t you let me live mommy? You said you love me… but why mommy? Why?”

“I’m sorry Matthew… I’m really sorry… I was confused… I didn’t know what to do, I was alone… I’m sorry Matthew…” was all I can say while I was crying

“I love you mommy… I love you… I love…” he was saying, as his voice was slowly fading…

“I love you too my son… I’m really sorry… I’m sorry Matthew…”