I'm just joking

“The cabin in the woods had been abandoned for years, but one night, a candle burned in the window.”

I looked at him a little sideways, then softly inquired if the sentence was research for a new story.

He had always been a talented storyteller, and it came in handy. I found out later that what he said mostly consisted of lies. I’d been married to Matt for about 9 years, and I learned he is a narcissist about a year before I left him. I kept that information to myself, and I created my exit plan. After I called the domestic violence hotline, they gave me a lot of resources online that helped with the planning.

Being in an intimate relationship with a narcissist is something I thought I was immune from. I never understood domestic abuse, until I realized I was in the eye of the storm. It was my actual nightmare, in real life. I realized I was being abused when suicide to escape what looked like a great life was the only option.

“After seeing the candle in the abandoned cottage, Delila picked the pace up heading home so she could tell Alden, her husband, what she saw. Alden laughed at her and retorted, ‘What? You’re insane. I see that candle burning all the time. We took a walk, like, last week or something, and it was burning.’ Delila stood corrected.”

He lied and used gaslighting to hurt, betray, and make me feel inadequate. They lie about their intentions, their actions, what they have said, and what they plan to do. Lying is easiest when you know you have the survivor’s trust, and they will not check up on what they are told, or hate the angry outburst when asking for clarification.

“Delila begged Alden to go into the woods to see the candle. When they got there, the candle was gone. Delila decided to look in the house for the candle. When she couldn’t find the candle she came back out, and Alden was gone.”

He encouraged my fear of abandonment. They always know when we need their help, and sometimes they even create a situation out of thin air just to watch our reaction. They may do this by exiting a stressful situation, over and over, only to return to watch us clean up the mess. The verbal abuse that ensues depends on whether the abuse is covert or overt; apologies or criticism. The result is guilt and sadness in the survivor which then becomes desperation and depression. This completes a single cycle of abuse.

“When she got home, she asked Alden why he left, and he told her he got bored waiting for so long. 'You were in there for like ten minutes.'"

He specifically knew what would make me sad. Every situation presents an opportunity to use emotion to further destruct the confidence and sense of self within the survivor. It doesn’t matter what type of emotion or the cause of the trigger, they know just where the buttons are. This puts the survivor in survival mode. In survival mode, the survivor is always on high alert to make sure the needs and comfort of the abuser are the top priority. These priorities are never reciprocated.

"'Alden, do you think I'm boring?' Delila asked. 'You were gone so long, I started the next season, and she changed her hair. Don't you think her hair is really cute cut short like that?' Alden responded."

He fostered jealousy through dog-whistling compliments. They always know exactly where our confidence is, and they exploit it. They tell us stories about how other women were making advances toward them and compliment women on details they know we are insecure about in our own lives. They do these things only to see our reaction, they never actually happened. They never think we’re not good enough, they just want us to feel that way. In fact, what they criticize in our lives are often the things that they are most jealous of.

“‘Delila, you know that letting candles burn unattended is not safe at all, right?’ inquired Alden. Delila confirmed that she understood.”

He belittled me, my intelligence, and my desires. They will target all of the things that we like to do, and work to remove these things from our schedules. They know the little things in our lives that bring us joy and they want us to feel guilty for it. They know what brings us comfort and calm, and they want the opposite. They are only saying it to hurt our feelings.

He abandoned me emotionally when I was going through difficult events. We are always there for them, but they create an absence when they are expected to return the support. They say they will have no problem getting something done for us, and we wind up having to do it ourselves anyway. This is especially true when they know we need it from them, or if it's something they really enjoy doing, which is abuse by proxy. Being let down over and over will teach us not to depend on them for anything.

“You seem tired, you’re not making any sense. Maybe you should head to bed, I’ll see you in the morning. By the way, you should really be more careful about the things you tell people. If you want people to trust you, you need to stop making up stories. Good night. I love you.”

He used projection to escape blame. If someone is not ready or willing to take accountability for something, they distract, lie, and blame others. They will often blame us for the exact things that they are doing just to plant a seed of confusion. That way they will be able to create a distraction by redirecting the conversation back to us if they are caught.

He delivered many abusive statements. Most of the time I didn’t even realize I was being insulted. My body knew because I could feel pressure in my chest when he said something offensive, but he hid his real implication among expertly constructed phrases that took time to decipher. I would usually figure it out at some point, sometimes days later.

“That was a good scary story, I came up with it just for you! You know I’m joking. I would never hurt you intentionally. Hey, make sure you taste dinner before you serve it, it needed just a little more salt. It was actually pretty good for a new recipe though.”

“I will. I'm sorry.” I said.

The scariest story we can ever encounter is the story of our own betrayal, especially the betrayal we were unaware of when it was happening. Engaging in any type of relationship with a narcissist will always result in a living nightmare because it is not tangible goods being targeted, it is our sense of self.