I Love Him

I love him. From the moment I saw him I was in love. He was tall, with dark hair, toned, a warm smile, and kind brown eyes. I only had eyes for him and my breath catches when he walks over to me and says, "hi". I smile and giggle like a child and say "hi" back. He then asks if he can buy me a drink and pulls up the stool alongside me and sits down. The rest of the night is conversation, flirting, laughing, a walk to my car, and a light kiss goodnight.

I love him. He calls me the next day and plans are made to get together and go for a hike. A day outdoors, just the two of us. More conversation, laughing, holding hands, eyes on me and no one else. Endless natural beauty all around and I can't take my eyes away from his. This trail, this national park in the PNW leads to a panoramic view of mountains, wildlife, trees, and a waterfall so loud it is almost deafening. I go to the edge and he hesitates, a little fearful of the endless drop straight down. I smile and step back enjoying the view with him.

I love him. A few weeks later we are back at the same park, the same trail, and the same view with the sun setting in the distance. We smile and enjoy in silence until he kneels down and asks me to marry him. Tears of happiness flow down my cheeks and whisper yes as he takes me in his arms and lifts me up.

I love him. A year later and I'm pregnant with our first child. I feel so happy and blessed to have a little piece of us both growing inside me. When he comes home I tell him the news and he is quiet, stiff, and tense. Confusion starts to fill me and I start to ask questions, I stop midsentence when he turns to look at me and those brown eyes that I love so much have turned to hate.

I love him even when he says he doesn't want kids and I need to abort the baby. I refuse. I love this baby it is us and I won't get rid of it. He grabs me by my arms and shakes me hard, yelling at me saying I don't have a choice and that one way or another that baby will not be born. He slams me against the wall and walks out.

I love him several weeks later when he comes home smelling of perfume, alcohol, and smoke. I'm starting to show and he sneers asking me when I'm going to get rid of it. I again refuse. He says cruel and crude things to me, graphic details about who he was with and what they did. Telling me I'm useless and that the added weight made me look lazy and ugly. His alcoholic breath was in my ear, telling me to get rid of it now.

I love him as he comes home again, drunk, and begins to tell me again where he was and what he was doing. I walk away from him and he grabs me, forcing me to look at him. I struggle to get away from his grip as his hands dig deeper into my arms. He suddenly stops and a sick smile forms across his face, he lets me go with a push and I begin falling, falling down hard on the stairs to the hardwood floor at the bottom. With every hit, I feel my baby move for the last time.

I love him even though he made me lose my baby. As he explained it was an accident, I was stubborn and didn't want his help. I tripped and fell down the stairs. He tried to catch me but was too late and how he was devastated that I had lost the baby with a chance I could never have kids again.

I love him now, weeks later, as we pack up the car to go on a hike. He flirts with me as we drive, nuzzles my neck, plays with the tank top strap, touches my thigh, and slides his hand up. I'm sickened by his touch and turn away. He pulls over on a hidden and abandoned rest area, he begins to kiss me and I pull away, he pulls me back and says don't resist me.

I love him as I'm forced to have sex with him. I don't fight, it is useless at this point, his hands fondle every inch of my body, and he grunts with pleasure with every thrust. I close my eyes and turn away from him, hoping he'll hurry up but he doesn't, my pain is his pleasure.

I love him as we climb our trail to the view that use to bring me happiness and contentment. The trail I dreamt of bringing our child to one day. Up ahead is the cliff and the sun is setting in the distance, the waterfalls pounding alongside and I don't stop at our viewing point. I keep going as if in a trance, staring out at the sunset, the noises going silent around me and I want it to always be silent.

I love him for yelling at me to stop. For slowly and cautiously moving towards me, yelling for me to turn around. My toes are over the edge, one more step, just one more and it'll all be over. He screams at me and just as he's about to reach out a grab me with both arms I turn to the side.

I love him for screaming, "help" as he tumbled along the edge before losing his balance completely and falling down the cliff. But the screams will not be heard because the waterfalls will cover the sound. I look over the ledge, down at his broken body below, as he did to me when I "fell" down the stairs. I will wait as he did for several minutes before calling for help and I will tell them what I told everyone else. I loved him.