Furs to Tell

Saturday, at Susie's Grooming Salon …

[Sugar Ray the Boxer] "Gimme out of this kennel!" He digs at his blanket.

[Roxanne the Pekingese] She whines, "Pleeeeease, I wanna go next!"

[Roscoe the Mutt] "Gimme a break. Why’d you wanna go next, Roxanne?" Eyebrows raised as he obsessively licks his hotspot.

[Roxanne the Pekingese] "Cookies, I can sit, stay, and rollover. I'll do anything for ‘em."

[Hans the Schnauzer] "I don't wannnnnna go. Getta a wash, dry, brush, and trim. Please don't make me do it. I can't!" He hides under his paws.

[Buddy the Bullie] "And getcha backside cleaned, ya know, 'da anal glands—so uninviting! ‘Get outta there!’ I always tell the lady!" He reaches for his butt.

[Trusty the Jack Russell] "Look who's coming! We gotta new one." He toys with his stuffed giraffe.

[Chase the Mini-Pincher] "Yeah, I smell 'em too, perfume on toppa soap, on toppa sweat." His nose, like a radar, aims high in the air.

[Flash the Golden] "Yeah, with a hint of bacon on the breath." His perfectionism is ever-present.

[Regal the Standard Poodle] "Now, let's not stare! Just stare at me!"

***

Susie squeaks, "Princess, so good to see you!" taking the mini-poodle's leash.

"She'll have her standard cut, not too short, trim her backside. And keep her bangs. Puppy-like, well, you know. I've been coming for years, her—usual!" Mr. Winslow barks.

"Come here, sweet baby girl, my little Furrrrrrrr Babbbbbbbbby. Daddy’s leaving you for a spa day. Okay, my Sweetie Pookie Poo, my Little Darling, my Lovie?" Mr. Winslow gazes into Princess's eyes, "Lemme get one more kiss," frantic with separation anxiety, his arthritic hands grabbing.

Princess whines, "No, don't leave meeee, pleaseee," while they unglue.

***

Susie, entering through the flapping doors, feels discontent. Kennels rattle, barking in alto, whining in soprano. Princess's leash mesmerizes everyone as Susie guides her to an open kennel, keeping her safe.

[Choco the N'Arleans Labradoodle] "Well, we have a gen-youuu-ine Princess, straight from the innards of Beverly Hills, ya'll!"

[Aldo the Italian Greyhound] "She never misses a meal, huh? Little Principessa [princess in Italian]," his tiny frame shakes.

[Beatrice the Frenchie] "She's his pocket pet, like a little bébé [baby in French]. Huh? Litllllleeee bébéééééééé!

[LuLu the Cavalier] "Now, leave’er alone," her Jack Nicholson eyebrows ablaze. "Pookie'll have to wait her turn, right Lil’ Darlin'?"

[Captain the German Shepherd] Barks, "Leave her be." He asserts, "But boy, she surrrrrre does smell gooooooooood, like cotton cand …."

[Obi the Doberman] "Okay, Captain, simmer down!" he oversteps, "with all due respect." His kennel’s closest to Princess.

[Princess the Mini-Poodle] Leave me alone, you plebeians. Ordinary dogs, my Daddy could buy all of you. In a heartbeat, snap!" Her entitlement fills the room, swallowing the oxygen.

[Lola the Lhasa Apso] "Well, folks, I’m game. We can all be a Pookie Princess from da Beverly Hills hood. Gimme yur 24-karat karat collar, now!"

Trish takes Sugar Ray the Boxer, washes him, and pats him dry. Next, she cleans his ears, then clips his nails. Susie brushes his coat to bring out a healthy shine, then arranges a bandana around his nape. After attaching his leash, he jumps off the table.

[Mollie the Maltese]: Dressed in a yoga shirt, tail fluttering, "Sugar, wanna downward-dog?"

Sugar Ray the Boxer shoots her a look and reveals a smug smile.

[Candy Girl the Cocker] She guffaws and then turns to Mollie, "Last Sunday, I was at the Dog Park, and this Collie came up from behind, 'n' sniffed my ass. Can you believe it? Right from behind! Well, I called him a son-of-a-bitch, that one, and he scampered off! The nerve! It's 2023. Ask first!"

[Poncho the Chihuahua] "You guys’re making me wanna pee on my blankie, stoppp! I'm hyper enough!"

Trish washes, blow-dries, and brushes Roxanne the Pekingese's frizzies. Susie sprays her coat, then trims her. She cuts her bangs and attaches a yellow bow.

Next, Trish washes and dries Roscoe the Mutt. Susie brushes his coat, revealing a gorgeous shine. She cleans his floppy ears and trims his nails then places a bow around his collar.

[Regal the Standard Poodle] Looking away from his reflection, "Woah, Helllllooooo Roscoeeee! You clean up!"

[Hans the Schnauzer] "Wait? I'm next? I'm gonna pee!"

[Buddy the Bullie] "Roxanne, you turn on my red lightttttt!" Heart beating outta his chest.

[Flash the Golden] "Boy, that lavender’s strong, eh?"

[Beatrice the Frenchie] "Roscoeeeeeee, lemme be your chew toy!" She sasses.

[Trusty the Jack Russell] "Hey, Roscoe," pacing, "Let's cruise the dog park, pick up some chicks. Call me!"

***

[Chase the Mini-Pincher] "Shhhh ya'll, someone's lookin' through our window. Hey, over here. She smells like Gucci perfume and Secret."

[Flash the Golden] "With a hint of Scope."

KiKi, the Movie Star, enters Susie's Salon. "Hi, I'm here for Roscoe." She peeks through the window.

Susie collects Roscoe. Blue bow attached; he looks dapper. Now visible, the others begin to bark and howl. Some make donuts or tilt their heads. Others whine and jump.

KiKi tips Susie and takes Roscoe's leash with a smile.

"Well, hellllllo, handsome. Who's Mommy's Big Boy? Aren't you a Dapper Doggie? Huh, my Little Pastry, my yummy Little Treat? Yes sir, your Mommy's here. I've come to rescue my Little Prince, my Sweet Boy." Her baby talk translates to smiles, a wiggly butt, and a soft paw.

Meanwhile, behind the window, her melty words make every dog cave: some lay on their backs awaiting belly rubs, and others have waggy tails, and flashy smiles. One or two howls. And all of KiKi's cooing, by the end, makes them turn to buttah.