Frozen Water's Edge

Ice is like death: hauntingly beautiful in its stillness. It’s quiet and spreads like a cancer through the earth. Even the wild bodies of water lay down at the feet of ice, and freeze to winter’s touch. ‘Be still’ it claims, forcing all things around it to suffocate in the silence it creates.

It is quiet and almost painfully noiseless. It is unbearably cold, but I like it here: calm and haunting by the frozen lake’s edge. The water seems almost dead under the thick layer of ice, as if murdered by winter. All the creatures of the sea are sleeping in an endless demise. The wind howls around me as if daring anyone to challenge the defeating power of winter. Even through my snow boots and double layered underwear I’m cold. I can feel the snow seeping in, bringing a stiff chill to my body and lowering my core temperature. The snow is like sharp blades poking through my skin and slowly spreading the frozen disease through my body. But I’m not going to move. Not yet.

I reveal in the tranquil stillness. Nothing moves on the frozen lake. It seems as if it’s lost all traces of life. Just a vast stretch of a vertical void seeking to draw people in. A daring game that any mortal would lose. It’s almost as if listening to the song of Death himself. I sit in place, hugging my knees to my chest witnessing the artistry of Death. Alone in this space, it feels as if he’s playing this symphony just for me.

It’s so hard in the busy world to find a place of true peace and quiet. I don’t mind it being at the threshold of the afterlife as long as I can sit, alone. You are not here, no troubles or trauma I have endured can follow me here. There is no pain, no sorrow and no worry in this space. Fear could never enter. Being at the frozen lake is almost as if my whole body and soul are being cleaned out and I am left a hollow shell of nothing but contentment.

People are messy. I’ve come to not only appreciate the silence of solitude but seek it out regularly as my comfort zone and recharging center. When I was younger, relationships seemed like the key to happiness: forever loyal friends, true love. But the truth is all people are toxic in some way, on some level. Life is meant to ebb and flow like a river of energy - most things share moments in time with the river. But most of us want to hold onto things, people and relationships long after we were meant to let go and move on. People freeze the river of energy like the lake before me, hoping that’ll stop the change from happening. But if nothing moves or changes we are already dead.

Life, people, relationships are messy and complicated. They bring on uncomfortable feelings, pain and situations I never wanted to be a part of. They say humans are social creatures and it’s not that I don’t crave connection but I’m not out to speak or join groups for the sake of interacting. That is pointless and destructive. I refuse to pour out a cup of my soul to a single-serving friend. I refuse to dedicate my heart to someone who treats it like a poor sketch offered to them by a nameless child. I will not stand for the hypocrisy that society has dared to call ‘love’. So I will wait: soundlessly alone in the comfort of winter’s death. I will listen to Death playing his solemn music, becking me to succumb. I will stare endlessly at the edge of the frozen water waiting for the right kind of partner to come and walk with me into eternity.