Filling the Voids

Filling the voids

Penelope had a lot of empty space in her life. She ran her tongue over her empty gums, ok she still had most of her teeth but she had an ugly denture and she’d rather have the gaps, than wrestle with that hideous hunk of plastic. So there was one gap or gaps to be more accurate. She squinted at herself in the bathroom mirror poking her tongue out through the void. She could have taken a little more care of her teeth, that was one empty space she may have have avoided.

Sighing as she walked down the hallway, she opened the door to Danielle’s bedroom. She didn’t really have a reason to do so. The room was always there for her if she wanted it, but Danielle rarely did and hadn’t been back since she moved out several months ago.

JOB DONE

So that was another gap. Her daughter was so precious to her but she had always been a hands off parent encouraging her child’s independence and skills. Letting her make her own mistakes. Danielle hadn’t really put a foot wrong, Clearly she’d been a little too successful there.

Doing herself out of a job.

The bedroom was just how Danielle had left it. The faint aroma of her favourite perfume hung in the air even now. It was complicated …that empty space, because she wanted the world for her daughter, and she knew she was out there grabbing it. But she missed her.

She would text her tonight. They still texted often but it was a pale imitation of having her vibrant girl laughing teasing and snarling at her in person. A big void, but her daughter was enjoying her life so Penelope thought she understood that she did not matter so much anymore.

AN ITCH…

Penelope thought, well it was less of a thought more a nagging knawing feeling,not even a thought, that it was time for her to have something for herself.

There was a HUGE void she had never really peered into. She had been widowed for five long years but the thought of meeting anyone else just terrified her. So she gave the idea no energy. She believed it was not something she needed, of course she didn’t need it, but.could it be something she wanted? . There was a insistent vague and barely perceptible feeling that she was somehow neglecting herself. Another void.

IS OLDER, WISER?

She knew, or at had at least learnt the hard way as a younger woman, that filling a void with a person, even with the best of intentions was at best a dangerous prospect… it gave whoever they were too much power for a start.

Nor then did she have to look too closely at her own failings, and look, no one is perfect, but Penelope did not consider herself any worse than anyone else. However deciding to have some light hearted fun to alleviate boredom would trigger all sorts of addictive brain and body chemicals and take her down a path it would be difficult to get off. And get off it she would almost certainly have to.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO…

Penelope had always enjoyed doing what society said she shouldn’t. It had always worked out for her. But the last few years had become sad and burdensome and now her child, who had been a shining light, didn’t even need her anymore.

She’d almost totally forgotten SHE liked to be a bad girl.

Ah, she was talking about decades ago and really her definition of bad was pretty mild. No shoplifting or drug taking, so at least she thought it couldn’t be much milder. From getting in her cousin’s elite sports car and sitting in the front without a seat belt as every speed limit was broken. Spending her evenings off work at the local hotel, kissing the married men while their wives and children were at the cinema, she was too afraid to do more, but she liked to do that!

THAT’S NOT OK!

Nowadays their, the men’s, behaviour would be seen as predatory towards a seventeen year old girl.

Penelope had never seen it like that. She considered it a learning experience, one she enjoyed. It had only been a snog, if they’d tried anything else, she would have run like hell.

It was for her, just the right level of wrong

She shook her head to dispel the memories. what was going on with her? What was the point of looking back at things that happened when she was a stupid teenager? She’d definitely enjoyed doing them, she supposed that was the point.

ALL WE HAVE IS NOW

Hey, it was right now that mattered. She had something to do tonight. Her friend, well she was more of an acquaintance really, a neighbour in fact , had invited her to the Book Group for the first time. The book they were reading was called “The Bride Stripped Bare” by the Australian author Nikki Gemmell. As usual for her Penelope had tried all sorts of ways to avoid doing the work of actually reading the book.

AUDIBLE

Not that she didn’t love reading, she did but she felt like it was an indulgence. She tried to read at the end of every day when she was in bed. She always dropped off before she got very far.

She listened instead, to the audio book. She got the gist of the story. A married woman’s sexual awakening. It stirred her a little…she felt in her head and her heart really, she was still married and therefore she had no need to give any attention to seeking a replacement.

She felt bad enough when she considered she couldn’t remember the sound of his voice or his smell.

That void felt like a black hole… she was being suckered in to thinking about it. Her current reading or listening matter was not helpful in avoiding that thought pattern.

7PM

It was time to grab that bottle of cheap wine( pretty bottle though) and make her way over to Maria’s house. She made a mental note that she needed to text Danielle at some point. She had not met any of her neighbours’ book group members, she tried not to worry though, as she presumed that many people felt anxious amongst strangers.

Her neighbour ushered her into her prim sitting room. It was like something from a different era.. It had been a long time since she had seen an antimacassar. She was surprised she recalled the name for the rather twee cloths over the suite.

“Penelope, I’d like you to meet Amanda and Jenny, we are still waiting for Bea”.

Penelope smiled uncertainty as Joan, for that was her neighbour’s name, relieved her of her cheap bottle of wine…and scuttled off to get glasses for everyone.

BEA

There was kerfuffle at the front door

And in walked Bea. Penelope let out an involuntary gasp.

Bea was the double of her late husband. Her colouring, her eyes, even her build.

Penelope locked eyes with Bea, and felt her stomach flip over. The void she was so determined to ignore yawned open wide. All the undealt with hurt and loneliness flooded in.

“Um excuse me I’m not feeling too well…”

Penelope bolted past the bemused women and scrabbled for the bathroom… she clutched the sides of the sink. Trying to get her breath. She wondered if she was hallucinating.

“Penelope are you ok?” A perplexed Joan was hovering outside.

“I’m fine” she lied.

She peered round the door with an apologetic look. “I’m going to go now”

Joan was beginning to panic that her carefully prepared evening was going to fall apart.

Her concerns were minor compared to Penelope’s.

Penelope knew she had to face the world and stop playing safe. She was at her core someone who didn’t wish to play safe and she’d wrapped herself up in cottonwool for decades.

She was going to start with that text to Danielle.

No, Hell, she was going round there. She wanted her properly in her life for a start. She realised that her tip -toeing around her had been an act of fear, of not rocking the boat. It had probably driven her daughter to stay away as surely as if she’d been a helicopter parent.

She had just enough control to mind her manners and peeked round the living room door to excuse herself and say goodbye.

Only a flustered Joan, Amanda and Jenny were there.

Where was Bea?

She felt a sense of rising panic and relief combined.

She’d quiz Joan about Bea at some point.

The question maybe should have been asked at that moment was, where has Penelope been?