Evan

It would be four years before Evan and I would connect again. In that four years, I had started college, gotten into a very unhappy relationship, and had a baby. In those same four years, he dropped out of college, dumped the girl he left me for, and joined a branch of the military.

I was pulling out of my college parking lot when I got his text.

-Hey

All of the old emotions hit me like a baseball bat to the face. My heart stopped, my stomach dropped, and my mind came up with a million and four reasons as to why he was contacting me.

He asked to meet up at the mall local to me so he could look for a cologne. I reluctantly agreed, knowing the effect he had on me.

I pushed the stroller containing my two-year-old son into the mall with Evan walking beside me. He hadn’t touched me, but I could feel the tension and the electricity. It was sending currents through my stomach and making me nauseous.

My son was oblivious to to what was going on. He was just happy to be gnawing on some awesome nuggets created by a certain Holy Poultry establishment. He was having the time of his little life while I was trying not to have a heart attack from standing in such close proximity to the man that broke me in so many ways.

We walker through the name brand department store and approached the scents counter. The lady was very kind and informative of the different colognes, though she was seriously mistaken. She talked to both of us and made comments about how it would smell to me passing him in the hallway of our home. She didn’t realize we weren’t together. Of course he didn’t try to correct her. Instead, he leaned in and smirked, putting one hand on my lower back.

I could feel the tingling on my lower back the second his fingertips touched me through my shirt. The air I was breathing became trapped in my chest as my heart attempted to desperately beat out of it onto the counter in front of us. I could see him looking at me out of the corner of his eye in my peripheral vision. He knew. He knew what he was doing. I just couldn’t figure out why he was doing it.

After so many innocent comments made by the sales clerk and my face turning the color of a new fire truck, I steered the stroller towards the exit and waited for Evan in the common area outside of the department store.

He finished up while giving me glances over the cashiers shoulder and smirking. Neither of us said a word as we made our way to the parking lot.

We approached our vehicles which were parked next to each other.

“Wait. I have something for you before you go.” The words threw me for a loop. What could he possibly have to give to me?

He handed me two items. The first was a Japanese coin. That was from his deployment and I’ll admit it was kind of cool. The second was a pair of his dog tags to hold onto. I was beyond confused. I had no idea why he would want me to have that. It was completely out of left field.

We bid our goodbyes and I left more confused than when he first texted me again after four years.

_______________________________

It didn’t just end with a mall walk. It should have, but it didn’t. He asked to see me the last night he was in town. We decided to meet up at a restaurant local to him that I enjoyed as well.

We sat at a table entirely too big for just the two of us. I had left the baby with his father against my better judgement. Evan was very aware of my unhappiness and desire to leave. It was no secret, even to my son’s father.

We had nice conversation. It surprised me when I became a little jealous when he flirted with the waitress. Old habits I suppose, not that it justified it at all. He wasn’t mine and I wasn’t his. Not anymore, not ever again.

Little did I know, he was playing mind games with not just me, but half of the female population of the town while he was home. He had become quite promiscuous during his time in the military. I wouldn’t know that for a couple more months after talking with a mutual friend.

It was a lovely evening and he even hugged me goodbye. The text messages continued in as innocent a way as they could. We even discussed me coming with the baby to see him at his base a couple states over that following summer. Until the day the plans weren’t just broken, but placed into a metal trash can and set on fire, along with my heart and dignity.

-I finally did it. I left him.

-I’m so happy for you. You deserve so much better than that.

- So I was wondering when would be a good time to come see you this summer? I’m really looking forward to it.

- I’m seeing someone now, so that’s probably not a good idea.

-Oh. I’m happy for you…

Again, I felt the waves of nausea and the epiphany of being played and looking stupid. I sobbed into my pillow with my baby boy sleeping next to me in the bed. How on God’s green earth did I allow this to happen to me again with the same asshole as before? History repeating itself. It’s always warned, but never heeded.

I was angry at the entire world and higher power. I sat for hours and just let the pen flow. This was going to be the last time, I was going to make sure of it. It started off being the most romantic love letter I’d ever written. But then went downhill from there. The gist of it went:

Here’s all the reasons I loved you and we’d be good together, perfect even. But I hate you. Leave me alone.

It was three pages of college ruled notebook paper with such passion no dead English poet could compare. Nothing compared to Rachel’s letter to Ross though.

Either way, I got blocked. It was a huge relief to know he wouldn’t be coming back around ever again. I finally felt free to find someone that was actually going to treat me the way I deserved and wanted and actually mean it at the same time. I would get my happy ever after. But it wouldn’t be with Evan. Fuck you Evan.