Darwin

I spent most of the eighties in this little piano bar, off the east coast. Not drinking, but playing, my grandmother’s piano lessons finally paying off—or at least paying my rent.

I knew enough of the classics, and some of the popular requests, and that was as much as it took to keep me on the bench, my fingers dancing away over the ebonies and ivories. I’d play five nights a week for the owner, who hoped my mediocre skill would bring in the discerning customer, and that she might turn her dingy little bar into a “classy establishment, like in Casablanca.” I think half the reason she hired me in the first place was the color of my skin. Not that she was racist in a hateful way—just ignorant.

But I stayed anyway. What can I say? The money was okay—hourly plus tips—and it wasn’t too demanding. And the characters that wandered in… most of the time it was just one drunk after another, but now and again someone really interesting would come by. Someone like Darwin.

The night Darwin came along I was painfully sober, lucid beyond what I was accustomed to, and playing clumsily. He sat to the left of me, in the shadows. He didn’t take off his coat or his hat, just kept his head in his drink and said, “Play Entrance of the Gladiators.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I don’t know that one.”

“Sure you do,” he took a long sip of his beer. “You just don’t know you know it.”

“Whatever you say, man.” Someone at the bar yelled at me to play Piano Man—I hated that joke—and I waved and started in on it.

“Entrance of the Gladiators was our song.” Darwin said. I just nodded. He held his drink with both hands. “Most people probably think that’s some kind of joke—on account of our elected profession—but she really—” he choked. “She really loved it, with her whole heart.”

He looked up for the first time then, and I almost wasn’t sure I was seeing right. He had what looked like fur all over his face. And his hands, they were covered too. I stopped playing for a minute.

“Jesus…” I mumbled. He looked down.

“They called me Darwin in the carnival circuit. Darwin the Ape Man.” I watched him stare at his reflection in his drink. People started to murmur in the silence, and I picked up the tune again.

"So you were in the circus, huh?”

“Carnival.” He corrected me. They called us Carnies. I was part of a freak show down south. That’s where I met her—my Gracie.” His fur was wet on his cheeks, and I realized he was crying.

“Tell you what, man, the rest of your drinks tonight are on me.” I said. He shook his head.

“No need for that, sir, but I thank you.”

I played a little longer, and then it was time for my hour break. Usually I used it to drink, maybe smoke a little, but tonight I sat across the table and joined him.

“So,” I said. “You wanna talk?”

He tilted his head, watching himself in his drink, like he wasn’t sure. Finally he said, “Okay.”

“It was a while before your time, probably something like twenty, twenty-five years ago. I was eighteen, and I had just cut loose from my family. They were cruel sons of bitches. I saw some mean ones on the circuit, mind you, but they were meaner still. So I left as soon as I was able to. Wandered around the panhandle for a bit—that’s Florida—working odd jobs here and there. Made enough to keep myself up in this dingy little motel.

“They used to host events in this field out back, about an acre of land. That’s how I got introduced to Dicky. Dick Cavanaugh. He ran this little traveling carnival. It wasn’t much to look at at that time, just a merry-go-round and a few games, plus a tent with a stage for the performers. I went at night, that’s when I did most of my business, still is.

“First act was some clowns—I never really got to know them, they mostly kept to themselves. Didn’t have any interest in talking to freaks. Then there was a lady who could throw her voice. Then, finally, there was her.”

He grinned, and I noticed he had a really nice smile.

“Gracie?” I asked.

“Gracie.” He said. “She was the most beautiful creature I ever seen. She was an acrobat and a contortionist. She could twist and twirl and bend any which way, swear to God, she was so good she could balance on her chin with her feet on the top of her head.

“Somehow she noticed me in the audience when she was taking her bow. She smiled at me, and it was one of the greatest moments of my life. My heart just about stopped.

“After the show, she came up to me as I was leaving. She took my hand and guided me back behind the stage. Didn’t say much, just squeezed my hand and pulled. I followed her, all awkward-like. She brought me to Dick, who took one look at me and offered me a job.

I want him to be my partner, Dicky.

Dick sucked his teeth, big ol’ pearly whites he paid a pretty penny for. I don’t know, Gracie, he might be too much of a distraction to the audience. He slapped me on the shoulder. No, I think he deserves his own spot.

Come on, it’ll be great! We can do a whole beauty and the beast routine! Dick looked like he was considering it. Think about it, he can wear a mask until the kiss, and then he can rip it off just before, revealing that amazing mug of his!

Kiss? Dick and I said together.

Well, of course, she said, like it was no big deal that she was gonna have to kiss me. Beauty and the beast fall in love, after all.

What’s your name, kid? He asked. When I told him he shook his head. What about Darwin? Darwin the Ape Man!

“After that, it was a done deal. I shook hands with Dicky. Gracie took me under her wing for the next month. She taught me all the cues and how to spot her without makin’ it look like I was spotting her. Then there was the kissin’. She pulled me to the side the day before the show, and said, Have you ever been kissed before, Darwin?

N-no, I stuttered. She made me so nervous at first, she was so pretty and sweet.

We don’t have to do it for real if you’re not ready, we can always stage kiss.

What’s that?

Here, I’ll show you, she said. She put her hands on both sides of my face, with her thumbs pressed over my lips. She leaned in real close, and kissed her thumbs so it looked like she was kissin’ me. I thought I was gonna die right then and there. She pulled back.

What if… what if I wanna kiss you for real? I asked, and I don’t know where in the hell I got the balls to do it, so don’t ask. She grinned up at me, and she looked like an angel.

All you had to do was say so, she said, and she pulled my close and kissed me real soft and gentle. That was the moment I knew I loved her, really loved her. And—somehow—she decided she loved me, too. It was a miracle.

“First time we did the kiss on stage, it didn’t go over well. People threw apples at us, papers said it was ‘salacious’ and ‘disturbing’. It was quite the controversy at the time. People just plain didn’t like seein’ us together like that. But that didn’t matter much to Gracie.

If people have a problem with us, fine. They’re still buying tickets. She said. They may hate us, but they’re making us rich! Or at least rich by her standards. It didn’t take much to make Gracie happy. Just performing and—for whatever reason—me.”

I leaned back in my chair. “So what happened?” I asked. He looked up at me.

“We got married in 1975. Did it under the big top. By then Dicky had expanded the program and we were a bona-fide carnival. Had twenty-five acts altogether, and Gracie and I were headliners. She was so happy. Of course she was the brains behind most of the acts. She was just like that—a strong woman. If we had ever had any kids she would’ve been a good momma. ‘Course we couldn’t, she was malnourished on account of the war when she was a young’un. We didn’t mind, though. We took in the runaways that came to work the carnival. She always said they were her babies.

“By then she was getting to be in her matron-days, you know, not quite as spry as she used to be. So we’re doin’ our act, same as always, and she dismounts from the trapeze bar, only this time she don’t land quite right.

She played it off in the ring but when she got back behind the curtain she turned to me and said, I sprained my ankle, honey, real bad.

“At first we didn’t think much of it. She did that from time to time, but the next day it was swollen so bad she screamed when I touched it. We had a doctor come in and that’s when we found out.

What the hell is ‘septic arthritis’? She asked.

“He explained it to us—do you know what it is? It’s a kind of staph infection. Doctor kindly explained to us that the foot—and likely the leg up to the knee would have to go if she wanted to live.

No. I almost wasn’t sure I’d heard her right. I won’t lose my leg. She said.

“And I couldn’t change her mind. She’d always talked about when she couldn’t do her act anymore to just bury her right then and there, but I never thought she was serious. I tried and I tried, but… she was stubborn. And then it was too late. The infection had moved to her heart. All they could do was make her comfortable.”

“Damn,” I said. Darwin nodded.

“’Damn’ is right.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

He sipped his beer. “Me too. Sometimes I wonder if I coulda made her change her mind. But I know she would’ve hated an artificial leg. All metal, oxidation creepin’ up to her skin.”

“It was juvenile.” I said. He jerked his head up. “She was selfish.”

He frowned, and under his fur I could tell he was angry. “She been called a lot of things, young man, some of ‘em right, some of ‘em even by me. Sassafras, beautiful, talented… but I’ll tell you what she wasn’t: selfish. She dedicated her whole life to that carnival, and when she couldn’t be a part of it in the way she wanted anymore, she didn’t have any life left to live. I loved her, and I hated it, but I understood. That’s a big part of love, kid, is understanding and accepting. I loved her stubbornness. Hell, if she weren’t stubborn I probably never would’ve been her partner. And that wouldn’t have been right—I was born to be the beast to her beauty.”

I looked away. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m glad you guys found each other. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone like that.” I checked my watch. “Ah, my break is up. Thanks for talking with me, I hope it helped.”

I went back to playing, and when I looked up to check on him, he was gone. I still think about him. Darwin the Ape Man. Never got his real name. I guess he considered Darwin his real name.

He taught me a little about life and love. I carried what he said about acceptance and understanding with me all the way through my life. It’s made me a better man, husband and father.

It’s like they say in AA: accept the things you cannot change. God grant me the serenity. God grant me Grace.