Behind You Chapter 18
R is for Revelation
I felt the darkness creep into me once again. It was as if it was leeching its way into every possible crevice and I was suffocating on the toxins. I didn’t know how long I could continue on like this, the nightmares relentless, while living was possibly worse. Living without her. They kept saying that the pain would lessen with time, with patience, with the distraction of the agony of others. I did not believe that. This type of ache will never leave me until the day I die. Or until the day I find her.
But how do I find her? How do I find a being that is yet to exist?
That’s the worst part in my opinion, missing something so tremendously and knowing that it doesn’t even exist. The pain will truly be never-ending.
Every second that passes, I tremble with ache and sorrow. If only I could just truly die and leave this horrific reality. Yet death does not come as easily as one hopes.
How? How can I proceed?
I beg and plead. How can I fix this?
When I struck the deal with the devil, he already had a plan in place. It wasn’t instantaneous, but luckily another tortured soul was begging for a chance.
“You will have to wait over two decades.”
“Anything is better than never.”
“She will suffer as you have in the end, alone.”
“Anything is better than nothing at all.”
“Then you shall be Lilah, the darkness that shall fall.”
Did I cause this?
I awoke to a sweat soaked blanket and a burning-sleep-mumbling beauty. Her eyes were clenched so tightly that I was afraid she’d damage her eyelids. She was badly twisted in the sheets and seemed to be still lost in the dreamscape.
I gently tried to hold her shoulder and stroke her drenched hair, her skin felt clammy, yet radiated heat like an open flame. When my fingers met her bare skin, she froze and began to settle down, as if I blew out the fire and now the smouldering embers remained.
“Lilah, wake up!”
With a light groan, Lilah reached up to rub her eyes which flickered open moments later to the image of my concerned face.
“Hi beautiful” she murmured while reaching up to cover a yawn wrapped in morning breath, that so ungraciously escaped. She sounded like a drugged-Chewbacca. I loved it.
“Hey there Chewbacca, you looked to be having some wild nightmares there, eh?” I tried to make light of the situation, but in reality, I was pretty worried. She just hummed and tried to snuggle into me, mumbling an apology somewhere into my armpit.
“I’m assuming you don’t want to talk about it then…” I played with her curls mindlessly, savouring the feeling of being together right from the moment of waking up. Maybe it was the concept of uniting our half souls that kept me from doubting our relationship ever breaking, or maybe I was just overconfident. Regardless, I wanted to treasure every moment with her, because honestly, why should I?
After a few minutes of just enjoying each other’s warm company, I felt her shift and mumble something into my armpit again. “Huh?”
“What time is it?”
Slowly turning to my side to avoid losing too much physical contact, I reached over to the bedside table to grab my phone and saw that it was a quarter after eight. Showing Lilah the time may have been a mistake as she bolted upwards while cussing.
“Fuck! I have to be at the office in less than an hour! Where’s Uri? Where’s my shirt? What happened to my alarm?” In a frantic swirl of fabric and curls, Lilah leapt out of bed trying to figure out what she needed to do first.
When she was already in the bathroom with her toothbrush (and toothpaste dribble) hanging from her mouth while trying to get her left foot into her right pant-leg, she popped her head out, “Can chew taketh Uri to daycare todayth?”
You know those moments where you wish you could freeze time just to capture and treasure the hilarious image in front of you? This was one of them. And while trying to keep a straight face for Lilah’s sake, I think I managed to snort out a ‘sure’.
While I was thankful for the later shift today, I quickly realized that morning routines are quite different when you have to get a toddler ready.
After playing an involuntary game of tag to try and get pants on, almost losing a toothbrush to the toilet, and mopping up cereal off the floor, Uri and I were all set. I also forgot that toddlers walk a lot slower when in a rush, but I was lucky that we lived so close to the daycare.
When we finally arrived at the daycare, Uri found the speed he lacked on our walk, and raced over to play with the others. I, on the other hand, already felt tired and could only manage to roll my eyes at Rosie who tried to hide her laughter. “Hey mommy Noa, glad you could join us, though next time make sure your shirt isn’t inside out.”
My face flushed bright red at the realization and all I could do was run to the bathroom to flip it around and try not to think about the rest of the day ahead.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter so far, some truth is finally being revealed... But how will the rest play out? Wait and see! It's definitely going to be worth it.
I have reached the point where I am actively writing the rest of the chapters, so posting will become weekly. I will be aiming to have chapters published for your lovely weekend-reading-material time.
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