Be Still, Oh My Beating Heart

Oh! Be still my beating heart!

How many times have we said that same thing?

In the 1705 play Zelmane, William Mountfort’s character said, “Ha! Hold my brain; be still my beating heart!”

Today, more than 300 years later, we are still using that phrase when we are awed by something powerful or beautiful. I find myself saying that often. For instance, while I am a senior citizen, I still often appreciate looking at a good looking man walk by. It’s human nature. Men can and will look at a good looking woman so why can’t women look at good looking men?

I’d gone shopping with one of my friends and saw an outrageously expensive dress that I totally fell in love with. Using my hand for a fan, I said to my friend “Oh, be still my beating heart!” We both laughed knowing that I’d never purchase the dress for two reason: 1. I’d never spent that kind of money on a dress and 2. I’d have nowhere to wear it.

Yet, the phrase seemed to fit the occasion.

Nowadays, at my age, the phrase has taken on an entirely different anatomical meaning.

I was at the cardiologist’s office for a simple routine examination. He said it was time for me to have my heart checked again and that meant wearing a heart monitor. Yikes, I hate those things.

Now, I feel as though I need to also wear blinders so I don’t see things that might get my heart pumping. Rather than the familiar adage, I now say, “Whoa! Wait a minute! Please, heart, don’t be still!.” And yet, don’t go crazy, either. Let’s not look at something that will make my heart jump or flutter. Let’s just take it easy and relax while I wear this thing.

Call me a bunch of frazzled nerves but as I said, I hate those monitors; I’m always afraid they’ll find something I don’t want.

My doctor said, “Just relax. Do your daily every-day activities. Just be normal.”

Me, be normal? I don’t think I’ve ever been described as normal, but the doctor said to proceed with my day on a normal basis – whatever that is.

Have you ever worn a heart monitor?

It’s just a small device you can hook on a belt - unless you’re really active, then the doctor suggests you wrap an ace bandage around the area on your body where you intend to place it. The Ace bandage helps keep it inplace while not allowing the montior to bounce around and possibly loosen the wired connections which are placed in various critical areas on your body.

While lying on the table in the doctor’s office for an EKG, I was relaxed. Wearing this device, I was more apprehensive. First, my worry: will he find anything wrong? If so, what can we do about it?

My second worry was a bit more complicated. I know that worry will only increase my heart rate so, will the doctor take that into consideration when he views the reading?

What happens if I cough or sneeze? Would those spontaneous activities show a spike, no matter how temporary, in my heart rate?

Speaking about coughing and sneezing! This is allergy season. Yes, like millions of others, I’ll be doing my share of coughing and sneezing. Do I need to keep track of all the coughs and sneezes? Does that mean I need to carry a pad and pencil around with me constantly? That’ll look a bit weird, don’t you think?

If I play with my puppy, won’t that increase my heart rate? Guess, I’ll need to write that down as well. I’d feel awfully guilty if I just ignored the little guy.

What happens if I have a cup of coffee or a glass of soda? Each would cause me to burp! Can a small series of burps disrupt my breathing? Does it even matter? OOPS! While I was writing this, I finished my lemonade a bit too fast and let out a very deep burp! Wonder what that did to my heart rate?

I did get to the supermarket this morning and asked the packer to make each bag a bit lighter than usual. “Health reason”, I simply explained. Don’t want to lift anything heavy enough make me strain. The bagger looked at me inquisitively since I’ve never made that request before. I just shrugged and said, “Good thing I’m not pregnant!” Now, there’s a strain!! Can you image me, a 70+ woman – pregnant? Without a doubt, if I’d gotten in that condition, it would be my husband who would need the heart monitor!

I decided to sit on the couch and just take it easy for a few hours. I’m sure glad I’m not a TV addict. Do you have any idea how boring TV can be during the day? I’d rather put on the radio and sing along with each song I’d hear – but then, I’d want to dance around the house and that would only make my heart rate rise. Again, probably cause another false reading!

Relaxing didn’t help. Getting so bored, I started falling asleep. The doctor said to be normal and sleeping in th middle of the is not normal for me.

There are a few things that make my heart race that I definitely plan on not doing today. Watching a scary movie, a brisk walk, going fishing (you can’t always count on catching just the small fish), looking out my window watching all the joggers run by. If I do that, I might catch a glimpse of that cute jogger who lives around the corner from me. Darn, better not do that. Don’t want to make my heart palpitate any more than necessary. Although, I guess I could just peak; I wouldn’t stare, just a quick glance. Maybe?

Heck! Better not chance it.

I can at least go to my dance class. The doctor knows when and for how long each sessions lasts; guess I can do that.

One thing I know for sure that would interrupt the natural rhythm of my heatbeat is – hmm! – how can I put this delicately? Oh crap! Oops! Just said it, didn’t I? I have IBS and should I find I the need to “strain”, my heartbeat will definitely increase. Yes, it does actually disturb the natural rhythm of your heart.

While I know this sounds funny, but it’s really no laughing matter.

There have been medical reports of elderly people found dead on their toilets tying to relieve themselves. The strain caused heart failure. So then, what do I do? Ah! To go or not to go! That is the question! Yeah, right! Try holding it in when you “gotta go”. See how far that gets you. But at the same time, does the slightest strain give a false reading on the monitor? And just what the heck do I tell the doctor should he see something strange in the recording and ask me about it? Do I tell him I had to see a man about a horse? (A saying my grandmother always used when she needed to move her bowels.) Guess, I’ll make sure I take a “softener” every other day to avoid a strain.

You know, wearing this thing isn’t going to help the doctor take an accurate reading for my daily heart rhythm. My life on a day-to-day basis is never the same. Each day is different. I never know from one day to the next what will happen within the next 24-hour peroid. After all, with so much going on and so much to think about while wearing it, I might have a heart attack now!

Oh, my goodness! Now, THAT’S stressful!