Babies Aren't Real - 4 Truths

DISCLAIMER: Recently I was told that this piece "does not meet quality standards" for this site. Obviously this is an attempt to silence the baby-denying crowd. Perhaps what they want is a disclaimer, stating that the views expressed in this article are satirical. So, for the sake of quality, sure, this is satire. Babies are definitely real. I'm absolutely lying throughout the entirety of this article. Yes, sir. I certainly believe that babies can be and definitely are real.

Recently I’ve run into a certain belief that challenges my sense of civility in debate. People are so blasé about it, too, especially around Christmas Time. I can’t keep my mouth shut much longer. This has got to stop. Babies are not real. They never were, and they never will be. Ordinarily, that should be enough. What’s true is true and I should not have to prove it. But, unfortunately, we live in a world where even the most fundamental truths need proving to the ignorant, and even then, in the face of such monumental evidence, the ignorant still choose the life of the ignoramus. So, here are the facts, laid out plain as day: Vaccines work, Trump lost the 2020 election, and BABIES. AREN’T. REAL.

1. Literally no one is that small.

One of the most nominal qualities of alleged “babies” is that they are absurdly small. I’m not talking “your short friend Arianna” small. No, supposedly, babies are much, much smaller. But the world is not designed to cater to the needs of “people” so absurdly small. Tell me, have you ever seen a two-foot bookshelf filled with two-inch books specially designed to be opened by the alleged baby’s ravioli-sized hands and read by the baby’s baseball-sized brain? No! That’s stupid! And you might be saying, “But Steven, babies are too weak and stupid to walk up to a bookshelf and pull a book off of it and crack it open and read it.” Well, that brings me to my next point:

2. Natural selection would have done away with babies months ago!

Carl Darwin once said, “It’s better to have survived once and fit than to never have survived at all.” This quote has been boiled down to the most vital concept in all of natural evolution: Survival of the Fittest. The strong survive, and the weak go to the farm upstate to live happily and forever. Tell me, do you think a baby could survive out in the wild? No! The vultures would carry it off before it even learns to crawl. “But Steven,” you say, “babies have naturally evolved to be cute, so that mature humans will protect it and care for it.” And yet, according to the lore, babies are defined as tiny noise-and-shit machines that make life a living hell for any so-called “new parents.” Does that sound cute to you? No! If I cry 18 hours a day and shit myself constantly, I’m a social pariah! Ultimately, according to my sources, babies are annoying, weak, small, and do not compute in a Darwinian world. “Alas, Steven!” says you, “surely you remember being a baby!” Well, what a wonderful segue!

3. Literally no one remembers being a baby.

If you do, no, you don’t. Memories are super easy to implant. Take the Mandela Effect for instance: I’m sure you still spell it “Berenstein Bears” instead of “Berenstain Bears.” Ultimately, my theory is that people implant memories of you being a baby so that you feel indebted to the society that raised you. “Oh, you took care of me while I was a loud shit machine? Obviously that means I owe you my loyalty and my life!” And that’s how totalitarian regimes are made, guys. Babies are pro-fascist propaganda designed to make you feel loyal to social movements that will ultimately lead to the downfall of society. “But Steven,” you may say, “we can prove babies exist through science.” Can you, though?

4. Baby-Believers can’t seem to get their story straight.

“It’s a stork!” “No, sexual intercourse!” “No, it’s something to do with birds and bees!” Do you hear yourselves right now? There are so many alternative truths out there. No one can seem to figure out where babies come from, and everyone has a different story. Every story attempts the same conclusion, but with wildly different methods of getting there. It makes you think, “Huh, could all of these branches of reality somehow be wrong?” It’s further-complicated when the Sexual Intercourse people try to dissuade the Stork people by saying, “We only told you the stork thing because it was inappropriate at the time to talk about sexual intercourse.” Like, pick a lane, people.

Ultimately, all of this evidence points to one unchallengeable fact: Babies are not real. You can feel free to challenge me in the comments if you see any holes in my argument, but I will dispatch you with facts and logic. Until next time, all.