Alone in a Cold City

“It’s almost magical,” Ray thought as he watched the gently falling snow reflecting off the neon signs and streetlights. Any other time Ray would have appreciated the beauty of the scene, but not tonight. “What the hell am I going to do now?” he thought as he turned and faced his brother from the passenger seat of the car.

“Come on,” Ray pleaded. “I didn’t mean to do it I was drunk and high. Come on man, we’re brothers, for god’s sakes.” “Please forgive me, please.” Ray choked back a sob as his oldest brother pulled over and stopped the car and turned, squinting from the glare of the setting sun to look at him square in the face.

“You can’t keep a job, you can’t handle a checkbook or bills when you do have a little money, you’re always crying to me and Sarah for help, we bail you out, give you a place stay and you screw up again. We’re done. I don’t even care anymore, ruin your life somewhere else, not in my house, get out of the car.”

Ray hung his head and choked back a sob as he got out of his brother’s car and grabbed his overnight bag from the backseat, he shut the car door as his brother sped off.

“Now what the hell do I do?” he muttered as he stood there shivering, he looked sky in despair as the snow came down harder. He clutched the handle of his wheeled overnight bag and thought, “I’ll head this way, just as good a direction as any.” He followed the flow of pedestrians choking back sobs.

“It wasn’t my fault,” Ray thought as he walked with his head down and his shoulders hunched against the biting wind. “I was depressed, I was just trying to ease the pain. Sarah shouldn’t have come at me like that.” Ray hardly remembered last night. He got off the bus a few stops from his brother and sister-in-law’s house where he slept in the basement and used his last bit of change to get a bottle of cheap vodka from the Liquor Store and snuck it downstairs before his holy-roller sister-in-law saw him.

“What the hell?” Ray screamed as the light suddenly came on in his room hours later. The smell of dried vomit almost caused him to retch some more. He grabbed his head and squeezed his eyes shut against the glare and winced against the screams of his sister-in-law.

“I want you out of my house,” Sarah screamed. “You ruined my carpet and sheets, this room smells like an outhouse, pack your stuff and get out.”

Ray didn’t notice his brother John, if he did, he wouldn’t have jumped off the bed and tried to strangle the bitch. The next thing Ray knew he was in a Full-Nelson face down in his puke on the floor with a bloody lip. “I’m sorry,” he begged. “I won’t drink. I promise. I’ll get help, just please don’t put me out.

“I’m going to let you go and you’re going to pack an overnight bag and I’m dropping you off downtown, you’re on your own, “John snarled as he picked his brother up and threw him on the soiled bed. “Clean yourself up and get in the car, you can try to find a shelter. If you don’t freeze to death first.” Ray choked back a sob as he rose from the bed and headed for the bathroom.

“Excuse me, can you tell me where the homeless shelter is located? Ray’s teeth chattered from the cold as he asked the well-dressed couple who hunched their shoulders and pointedly ignored him as they hurried away. “It’s like I’m invisible, he thought. He looked around at the oblivious crowd in despair.

His stomach growled, painfully reminding him that he hadn’t eaten since yesterday. Ray was freezing; it had been an hour since his brother abandoned him and he hadn’t made any progress; he just walked aimlessly. “This is just hopeless,” he thought. He was about to sit at a bus stop and freeze to death when he saw the old man.

“Is this what my future holds for me?” Ray thought as he appraised the old man in front of him. The old man was probably in his forties, but he looked to be in his sixties. His scraggly hair, what was left of it, was covered by an old baseball cap, and his jeans were threadbare, He was standing with his back to the wall of an office building, At his feet was an empty coffee can with some change. I

n his hand was a cardboard sign, HOMELESS VETERAN written in block letters, on the other side, NEED MONEY FOR BOOZE, also written in block letters. “Do you know where the homeless shelter is, Sir?” Ray asked.

“No, I don’t, I sleep at the Hilton on the corner, “he snarled. “Why are you looking for the shelter?” he asked as he started to pack away his sign and can in his backpack.

“I have no place to go, my brother threw me out, I lost my job, and I’m cold. I just don’t know what to do.”

The old man hawked and spit some bloody phlegm at Ray’s feet and gave him a baleful look, “I didn’t ask for your life story, don’t give out too much information, and quit crying, they’ll eat you alive at the shelter if they see tears.”

The old man started to walk away, then he turned around and saw Ray still standing. “Do I have to lead you by the nose? Come on, it’s almost dinnertime.” Ray grabbed the handle of his overnight bag and hurried after the muttering old man.

As they walked through the doors of the shelter, they received a glare from the hulking security guard behind the desk; They weren’t challenged as they walked to a waiting area to wait for the Dining area to open.

The small waiting area Ray and the old man entered was designed to hold fifty people, at least seventy screaming, muttering and morosely silent men were crammed inside with their backpacks. Ray felt self-conscious and stupid as he dragged his overnight bag into the room and waited with the old man and other latecomers.

The noise and odor were overwhelming to Ray. Almost everyone was shouting to be heard by the man sitting next to him or the man across the aisle, A lot of them were talking to themselves or shouting nonsensical gibberish.

The room was oppressively hot, the heat made the smell of body odor and unwashed clothes so much worse. Ray swallowed the bile that was rising in his throat. “Please don’t throw up,” he pleaded with himself. He stood in the waiting area for an hour and almost passed out before the dining area was opened and the room slowly emptied as the men filed into the dining area.

Ray barely had time to digest his meal before the hulking security goons started screaming. “Clear the dining room, take your trays to the window, clear the dining room now.” Ray looked down at the unfinished tray, his stomach still growling, and picked it up and took it to the window and grabbed his overnight bag from against the wall where he left it and, went back to the waiting area to wait for a bed.

An hour later, Ray stood up with the crowd and waited as one of the goons stood at a doorway and counted as men walked through the doorway. After ten men went through, the goon held out his arm blocking the doorway.

When it was Ray’s turn, he followed the men in front of him to another room with two long tables sitting together with an angry-looking man with a t-shirt with “SECURITY” blazoned across the front. “Put the bag on the table and open it up.” The Goon demanded while another Goon walked up behind him and yelled, “Hands above your head.” While his bag was searched by the Goon on the other side of the table, Ray was frisked by the man behind him.

When they were finished with him, Ray got in another line to wait for a bed, “I need a picture I.D. The tattooed man sitting behind the table demanded. After Ray was signed in, he went to the other end of the table where another guard assigned him a bed.

Ray found his bed, and placed his overnight bag in front of it and, walked around to sit down on it and take off his shoes. He took off his jacket to use it as a pillow and lied down and pulled the blanket over his head and tried to sleep.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” The guy in the bunk next to him yelled over and over all night, while other men talked to themselves in their sleep, other men would toss and turn and mutter all night, while the security people laughed and joked with the lights shining brightly over their tables. Ray finally fell asleep.

Ray was only asleep a few hours when the lights came on. “Rise and shine,” the guards screamed. “We need those blankets, get up and place the blankets in the bins, Rise, and shine, a good breakfast is waiting.”

“A good Breakfast my ass.” Ray thought a few minutes later, as he stood in the Lobby. He had waited in line several minutes when it was finally his turn he was offered “Oatmeal or grits.” Ray took his Styrofoam bowl of Oatmeal and leaned against the wall and, with his silly wheeled carry-on beside him, ate his breakfast.

“Clear the Lobby, clear the lobby, everybody out.” “Jesus Christ.” Ray fumed, don’t any of these goons have any compassion?” He threw his empty cup away and followed the other bums into the early morning darkness.

Ray caught up to a group of them as they were walking toward the bus terminal and followed them to an unused terminal patrolled by armed guards and police officers. The terminal was crowded with the bums but, the officers let them hang around for an hour.

“Clear out, the party’s over, get a move on.” The cops and guards shouted as the crowded terminal started to empty. Ray followed the crowd several miles to a park, where they huddled together passing joints while they waited for the Liquor stores to open.

“We’ll share this time.” One of the bums said to Ray as he passed the pint of cheap vodka. Ray took a swig and grimaced as he enjoyed the rush of the alcohol. Several minutes later Ray had a nice buzz going. “I need to get some money somewhere.” Ray thought as he sat on a bench, watching the Business suited men and women walk to work.

Ray got up off the bench and walked to a nearby wastebasket and dug around until he found an empty box. He tore off a piece of box and walked to the crowd of bums.

“Anybody got a pen or marker?” Ray asked as he held up the blank piece of cardboard. The men stared at Ray like he was an idiot, before one of them, the old man Ray met the night before, answered,

“Sure, I can hook you up.” The old man shrugged off his backpack and opened it up and after digging around, handed Ray the marker. “It doesn’t have to be original or too deep, just keep it simple, stupid,” The old man advised. Ray nodded agreement, then he wrote in block letters,” Need money for Beer.” The old man nodded approval then added. “Make sure you don’t take someone’s spot, that’s a good way to get your ass kicked, if you are caught out, say you’re sorry and walk away.” Ray put the backpack on and left the park to find a spot to sign.

He found a spot near a huge box store far enough from the shelter and Downtown where he hoped he wasn’t poaching on someone’s territory. He took the sign and a baseball cap from his backpack and stood facing the parking area feeling like a dumbass.

He sat the cap on the sidewalk and stood there for an hour before traffic picked up, and when it did Ray was surprised how much money was being thrown in the cap. “I can buy my bottle,” He thought happily as he put the sign away and headed in the direction of the shelter.

Ray had enough money to stop at and get burgers and fries, and he still had the money for vodka, so he stopped at a Liquor store and bought a pint, then he went back to the park, where his neighbors from the shelter were hanging out already tore up.

He was still a little drunk when he headed to the shelter that evening. He staggered into the building, dragging his silly carry-on behind him, he was early, early enough to get a seat so he sat down and leaned his head back, and dozed off.

The weeks and months slowly went by; soon, Ray lost all sense of time and place and without realizing it, he quit hoping and dreaming. His main focus was to hustle enough money for vodka and lunch and to stay awake on the park bench so he wouldn’t get arrested for Loitering.

He was walking to the Library to get out of the cold one morning when he saw a backpack in the backseat of a car, he quickly looked around, it was quiet, not too many people walking around, so Ray went and stood by a building and waited.

He slowly walked up to the car and tried the handles on all the doors, the back-passenger side door was unlocked. “Awesome,” Ray whispered as he opened the door and reached in, he grabbed the backpack and tried not to run to the Library.

“What have I become? “he asked himself, as he sat in front of the computer he looked around and saw the computers being mostly used by other people from the shelter with their backpacks and smelly clothes. “It is what it is,” he muttered as he stood up and grabbed his backpack, and headed for the door to panhandle some lunch money.

By now Ray had the look down pat, he looked like every other homeless person that wandered the city or hung out at the Library. He showered once or twice a week at the shelter and washed his clothes at a Laundromat if he had enough after buying booze and weed. Months went by, and he went further downhill.

Ray wasn’t the fat, carefree man that he was before. After three years on the street, he lost fifty pounds and his clothes were threadbare and he was losing teeth. He was sitting on a park bench thinking about suicide and drinking vodka when the black man with a Bible in his hand sat next to him.

“What the Hell is this about?” Ray thought as he looked at the man warily. He started to get up, but something held him to the bench, so he sat there and listened as the man with the Bible started to read aloud.

“For the one who sows to his flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” He closed the Bible and looked at Ray. “That was Galatians 6:8. I was walking by, with no thought of talking to anyone at all, when I saw you sitting here. You’re reaching the point of no return; you know that don’t you?”

Ray fidgeted, scratching the itch of Bedbug bites, then he looked at the well-dressed black man sitting next to him. “It’s not my fault, my brother threw me out, I lost my job, people just won’t give me a break.” Ray’s face turned red in anger as he thought of all the wrongs his family and Supervisors in the past had heaped on him.

“You’re lying to yourself, and you know it, how old are you? You look like you’re in your twenties.” Ray shifted on the bench, the man with the Bible was making him uncomfortable but, for some reason, he couldn’t make himself get up and walk away.

“I’m twenty-five.” He answered as the man with the Bible shook his head sadly. “how is any of this my fault? I didn’t do nothing. “Ray spent the next thirty minutes telling the man his version of the story, he had to unload and it all came out in a rush.

The man with the Bible scowled at Ray, fear gripped Ray when the man pointed a finger at him and said. “Twenty-five years old and you’re acting like a child, grow up, you’re an adult, act like one. There’s still time to change your life and make peace with yourself and your family, but you have to take responsibility for yourself.” Ray angrily stood up and grabbed his backpack and stormed off, not looking back.

That night at the shelter he couldn’t sleep. The words of the black man in the suit haunted Ray. The next morning when he went to the Library he went to the Religious section and picked up a bible and went to a chair by a big picture window and started to read.

He read all day, and he forgot about vodka. He forgot about eating, and he forgot about being homeless. Hours later, it was time to head back to the shelter for dinner; but Ray just sat there sobbing.

The next day, instead of panhandling for money, Ray went to a Bookstore and bought a Bible, and slowly things started to change. His drinking slowed, then finally stopped, and he quit thinking of himself as a victim.

He sobered up and started going to Church, and he found a job and a Pizza joint during the day so he wasn’t in the park. He made friends in the Singles Ministry at church and one of them needed a Roommate. Ray moved in, and never went back to the shelter.

One afternoon after he got off work, Ray was reading the new Bible he had bought at a Bookstore when, out of nowhere, he thought of his brother and sister-in-law. He picked up his cellphone and called his brother.

“Who’s this” John asked suspiciously when he answered the phone. “don’t recognize this number, I’ve no time for sales calls. Ray took a deep breath before he answered.

“It’s me, Ray. I just called to tell you that I’m sorry.” Ray shook as he waited, “please talk to me, let me try to make it right.” He pleaded silently while he waited for his big brother to say something, anything.

“How have you been Ray?” John answered cautiously, “you sound good, what have you been up to since you left?”

“I went through some stuff for sure”. Ray answered with a smile, I just called to tell you and Sarah that I’m sorry for what I did, and the way I acted the whole time I spent with you. You tried to help me and I spit in your face, I’m sorry. Ray waited for the response that he knew was coming, he was prepared for it.

“You’re not welcome here, you burned that bridge when you put your hands on my wife. After all, we did for you when dad died and you didn’t have a place to go, you hurt us. You have to deal with the world on your own now.

“I agree with you John, Ray answered. “Like I said, I have been through some stuff, but I quit drinking and getting high and I have been going to church. I have a job I have held for almost a year, and I have an apartment and a Roommate, a guy I met at church.”

“I know I hurt you, and again I’m sorry, Ray said as he took a deep breath. “I want to try to rebuild what I tore down, I don’t expect you and Sarah to trust me, but let’s try to re-connect, mom and dad would want that.”

They agreed to meet for dinner one night; Ray paid for it, tears were shed and a lot of venting occurred, but hours later, they parted ways with hugs. It was a while before Ray was trusted enough to be allowed back in the house. In time he was allowed to visit. He even brought his Fiancé, a pretty blond that he met at church. they hung out together, going on church outings and movies.

Ray went to Trade School and learned how to weld, soon he and Audrey were married and they bought a house for them and their baby that was due in nine months. They never missed a Sunday at the local Baptist Church. They had their ups and downs, but they stayed together until Ray passed away in his sleep thirty years later.