A Journey That Takes You Within
Stop running away from the dark and turn around
“Please, if you’re listening, take me somewhere far from this reality, I don’t want to be in this, I just want to go somewhere that feels good, someplace peaceful, where I can be me. What do I have to do to be there?”
This is what I last wrote in my journal before I went to sleep that night, hoping my prayers would be answered. That’s all I had was hope; Hope that the strongest force in the universe would help guide me.
That’s the last thing I remember before waking up on an empty train, all by myself.
The lights inside the train were on, but it was pitch black looking out.
I could see my reflection on the window starring straight back at me. I started walking around, looking at all the empty seats. I walk back and forth, no one or nothing is here but me.
An unfamiliar place and only me.
Everything was so vivid, I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or actually living this, I just felt so aware and conscious.
I get an eerie feeling crawl up my spine...
“Why am I here alone?”
My heart beat starts speeding up.
“I don't like this, what the fuck is going on?”
Suddenly I heard a child sobbing in the corner, a chill of fear went through my whole body.
“Did that really just appear out of...nowhere?”
I hesitantly go see where it’s coming from, and I find a girl about 4 years old in the corner by herself too. I see her precious, sad eyes and she asks “..Who are you?”
I relax and smile “I’m Melody, who are you?”
I don't know.. how I got here. I was alone for a long time. That really scared me. Where are we going? Did my parents forget about me?
She starts crying uncontrollably and I kneel down, sit next to her, soothe her and I tell her,
“I don’t know how I got here either or what’s happening, but don’t worry, I’m here. We can stick together and everything will be okay.”
“Everything is okay”
She quietly says "okay" as she tries to calm her tears and then buries herself in my chest. I wrap my arms around her and I keep repeating,
“You are safe”
We both start to drift off into a deep sleep.
I wake up and I’m alone again. The girl is gone. But I feel okay, I feel safe and secure. I look out and I am starstruck, in complete awe of the beauty on earth. I see green trees everywhere, I see mountain peaks in the distance, I see meadows, everything is vibrant, in bloom, flourishing, it is breathtaking. I’ve imagined a wonderland just like this in my head. I start to let go of needing to know what is happening and just let it take me to where it wants to take me.
I’m taking in the scenery, and then I see a bright light in the corner of my eye. I look, I see this ball of light getting larger and brighter. It starts to take on a form, human like but made of a colorful light, an array of colors I’ve never seen before.
“Hi Melody, I am Josephine”
Instantly I feel a great wave of love, and being loved. Their energy is divine and their presence is powerful. I notice they are neither male or female, it's almost as if they have aspects of both, harmoniously balanced in one being.
I am in complete awe of what’s right in front of me, my eyes are glimmering and my jaw is slightly open.
“I’m here because you called me, to help you, remember?”
On the window behind them I could see myself writing my last entry in my journal, I could feel the deadening of my soul, but there was still a spark left. It’s weird but I almost forgot about back home, all my attention was what was happening here.
“So this is a dream?”
“This is not just a dream, what you are experiencing is real, but this is not the physical world. This is your inner world. Things work differently here, whatever you feel and think most strongly will reflect right in front of you, instantaneously.”
“So.. that little girl, was that a reflection of me?”
Yes, a part of you that fears to be alone, forgotten, and feels quite helpless. That feeling started when you were a little girl.
But you made her feel safe, you made her feel that everything is going to be okay. The same love you would give to a lost, scared child is the same love you need as well.
What I want to share with you, is that love is here now. It always is. You just need to allow it, let go of your walls, and allow it to come to you. Love, peace, joy, fear, sadness, hatred; they’re all here. So where does your focus go?
“I can't believe you really did hear me... I feel.. connected and supported. Thank you, for being here. It means a lot to me.”
“I’m always here, and if you get lost, all you have to do is remember the feeling of love and light.”
Josephine vanishes in thin air, but I can still feel they are right next to me, and I smile.
I start thinking about what I want.
I close my eyes, and imagine my perfect home, a cute, spacious cottage right next to a lake. With a garden filled with fruit, veggies, and flowers. A place just for me, tucked in the middle of all this beauty I see outside.
Here in this place, I live carefree and I have my own space and freedom to create my life.
I feel so lovely, I love this, my heart feels so full, so thankful when I tune into this reality.
The train stops. Finally, it stops and the doors open.
I step outside into a wonderland, even better than I ever imagined. Now I can feel the ground underneath me, the breeze that touches me, and the sun shining on everything. I can smell the sweetness of the flowers in the fields and the birds singing their songs.
I start talking to myself aloud as I run around and skip and explore
What the fuck.. This is insane! Oh my god.. oh my god.. wait,
I did this?
Haha holy shit! I feel so aliveeeee!!
I run inside to my home, and letting out screams of joy. This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, the nature, the liveliness, the colors, everything was amazing, and it was all for me.
Truly I felt on top of the world.
I laid on the grass, looked at the vast blue sky, smelled the lake water in the air, and embraced the moment I was in.
I felt deeply at peace.
Then I thought to myself.. why can’t my real life feel like this? Be like this?
Why is it such a struggle to just survive and be happy?
In the blink of an eye, my entire wonderland turned into some sort of hell.
Everything turned black and white. I get up and I see my house crumbling to the ground, right in front of me. Everything that was alive a second ago is dead, the trees, my garden, the flowers, as if something sucked the life out of them. Not a single drop is left of the lake, just a crater.
I get this intense feeling of hunger, and thirst, I feel so deprived, on the brink of death. My body and mind kick fully into survival mode. I walk around, searching for something alive. Endlessly searching, and searching, something, anything, that's all I could think of to do, is keep searching in hopes of finding life. I became completely submerged in this experience, and after a long time of nothingness, I started feeling so hopeless and powerless.
I'm so tired. I can't do it anymore. I need to rest. What if I just close my eyes... and I won't have to feel this anymore, I won't have to think ... I just want to sleep.
I begin to drift off but before I do I feel this heaviness, darkness, looming over me. Like as if someone or something was right in front of me.
I open my eyes and I see their black cloak touching the ground.
“Hello.. Can you help me?”
I get up and see their shriveled face, they have no soul, no life in their eyes.
“ Yes, I’ll make you a deal.."
I am frozen in fear, but I am desperate.
"Uh..okay.. what's the deal?"
You give me your soul, and I will turn this back into your wonderland. You could live there forever...
Remember the life that you wanted to run away from? That life you dreaded waking up in? You hated giving away all your energy, your time to those shitty jobs. Remember having to listen to those people taking away your freedom, telling you what to do, how to behave? Like you're a fucking robot. You agree to do this just to survive?
You are worthless in that world because you don’t have skills, or talent, or luck for that matter. You will never get the life what you want, because you are broken, weak, and you can't be fixed.
That world controls you like a puppet and keeps you stuck in that dreadful state, is that how you want to live?
Every single thing they said struck my heart.
I forgot about my heart. I could feel it beating. I’m alive. I want to be alive.
I remembered my family, my dogs, falling deeply in love with someone, my passions, and everything else I appreciated in physical reality, and it felt like the first rainfall after a long drought.
A little dim light appeared within me, a spark.
I turned and starting walking away from him, trying to ignore what he was saying, but he kept following me, and his voice was getting louder and louder, to the point he was screaming.
“Shut up!” I yelled.
I turned around and looked straight into his soulless eyes.
“Fuck your offer."
“I know I have worth." I said aloud,
I know I am a powerful creator, and I know I have the most loving light within me to guide me. I will not allow anything, not even the darkest feelings, to stop me anymore from creating a life I love.”
I wipe the tears rolling down my face, and I can see my light radiating so strong, his darkness can't even exist near me, he disintegrates.
I look around and I can see color and life again.
I hear a train on tracks and turn around. The train door is open and there’s Josephine.
Offering their arms wide open, I hug them, with all my love.
“How do you feel, Melody?”
“I feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders, my heart feels so open, and alive. I feel like I have a new sense of appreciation for my life.
I feel almost unstoppable like I can take on anything in my way”
“I am so glad to hear that. There’s something I want you to really take from this..
When you are in survival mode, when you live in fear, you can not access the solutions and answers you need, because you’re in a state of lack. When you don’t know what to do, remember this, slow down. Listen to your body, what is it telling you that it needs? Feel your heartbeat, feel the love inside, and make it bigger, and bigger. Feel love now, be in a peaceful state and the answers will always come.”
“That makes sense, it's like when the outside circumstances in the world are causing me to feel fear, I have to break the cycle, forget what’s going on outside, and focus what I want to feel and be on the inside.
“Exactly, things are created from the inside out. That is what you can control, is the inside. That is where your power lies."
“Sometimes though, I feel I have no control over what I feel. Like its not like I can just press a button and I’ll stop having feelings for someone. Someone that doesn’t feel the same way.
I thought he was my soulmate. And I can’t get over it.”
“It’s all about perspective, darling. You’ve been heartbroken in the past, what made you move on?”
“Honestly, being infatuated with someone new is how I moved on.. Because when I don't have someone to love, I would feel so far from love that it was hard to remember what else I loved about life.
But this person is stuck in my mind, my heart, even though its been 2 years. I don't like to admit it but, I've just been waiting, hoping one day they return my love.”
Josephine looks out the window.
“I think you have some unfinished business to take care of. There’s someone that has something to tell you, they’re right there at the lake, why don’t you go meet them?”
I get off the train and walk towards the lake. The water looks mesmerizing, crisp, blue, and inviting.
I start to get images in my head of that past stranger that I wanted to love.
I would fantasize about my soulmate and I taking a dip in a lake together, just the 2 of us, holding each other, the love in our eyes.
I remember his eyes and how it felt to look into his eyes.
I look up.
He’s right there, standing a few feet in front of me. My whole body starts pulsing, my heart drops, and my knees get weak.
“Come here” he smiles.
He starts walking into the water.
He is angelic, the sunlight shimmering on his golden skin, his hazel grey eyes, piercing but lovely, starring straight into me, my heart, and soul.
I can’t help myself.
I follow him.
My feet feel the water, it's lukewarm, the most perfect temperature.
The sun just went down below the horizon but the sky was a swirl of pink, orange, and purple.
He’s walking backwards into the water watching me and going deeper.
I’m up to my waist and the water keeps getting colder and colder with each step and the sky continuously getting darker.
“Come in all the way, right here with me”
“That’s it, all the way”
By the time I got to him, I was freezing. I could barely feel my body anymore, and the sky was black now, but filled with stars. It was hard to see but I reached my hands out and he pulled me in towards him and held me with his strong arms, and warmed me with his body.
“Let’s go under. On the count of 3 okay?
I open my eyes and find myself in limbo, a never ending white space.
I see 2 people in the distance, as I get closer I see that its me and him.
It’s like I’m an outside observer and I can see myself radiating like a star, the light within me is getting brighter and brighter, overflowing, exploding past the boundaries of my body. I can see the light reflect in his eyes, amazed, taking it all in, but when he tries to get closer to me, the black shadows behind him whisper things in his ear, he keeps trying to reach me, using all his strength, but the darkness controls him.
I take out the ball of light within me, and I offer it to him.
My body is now dark, just a small dim light that is left. Black shadows latch on to me now and they start whispering
You really thought he could love you?
You are fucking delusional. He never wanted you like that.
You don’t deserve what you want.
Why do you depend your happiness on him? On anyone?
Look at you, weak, pathetic, and addicted.
You give away your power.
“That’s enough.” I say out loud.
That’s all I needed to see, was how I give my power away. I see it clearly now, I get it.
This was never about him or what he “did" to me.
This was always about me and where I get my sense of worth and my happiness from.
I look back, deeply, into his eyes and he says these words, from his heart..
“This doesn’t belong to me. This is your power, your love, and I can’t be responsible for it, no one can. This is yours, and yours only, Melody. Your light is beautiful, breathtaking. But I need to find my own light again, just like you”
I blink and he’s gone.
It's just me in this white space, and I remember Josephine’s words.
Love is here now
Let go and allow it to come to you
I sit down and close my eyes.
I feel the vastness of the space I’m in, and imagine with my power that I’m breaking down the walls I built around me. And allowing love to come to me.
I feel water dripping, and I open my eyes and see water bursting through the cracks. I’m sitting in the center of a grand orchestra, and I allow what is happening, to happen. Water floods up the entire space, pouring all over me until I find myself submerged underwater. I look above me and see that beautiful bright light again and I swim up towards it, faster and faster until I can once again inhale a breath of fresh air.
I merge with the light and it embraces every part of me, becomes one with me.
I wake up in my bed, in real life, starstruck, and in complete awe.
And I say out loud..
“Thank you, for listening to me, for loving me, for showing me my power, my worth, and thank you so much for my precious life.”