A Girl vs. Riley

She made a conscious effort to always remain out of the spotlight. Riley always told her that it was better to keep to herself than to seek attention, and She always listened to Riley. Still, there are times when She questions that mantra. Not because She wants to be the center of attention, but because She often imagines what it would feel like if people noticed and listened to her. Even if She wanted to be more outgoing, She knew Riley would never let it happen. Riley was too controlling. Everything She did, Riley was always in control. Riley dictated walking in the hallway between classes, where She would sit in class, what She would have for lunch, which boy She would have a crush on that week, and so much more. This was especially true in her middle school and high school days, the environment in which Riley was more insecure than She ever was or would be.

Riley would say things like, “I know you like wearing sporty clothing all the time, but pretty soon, people will notice that’s ALL you wear. So why don’t you try dressing up this week? All the other girls do, and so should you if we’re going to fit in.”

Riley had crushes on boys and convinced her that She had the same ones. She was always more interested in forming close friendships with the other girls in her grade, and it made Riley angry when She never wanted to hang out with boys.

“How will you ever get a boyfriend if you don’t hang out with boys?” Riley would say constantly, “you’ll be alone forever if you don’t start liking boys. You aren’t someone worth chasing after, so you have to start chasing them.”

Riley was the reason She had a couple of boyfriends throughout middle school, but She seemed to grow lonelier and lonelier after each one. She longed for someone to be with but having a boyfriend didn’t feel natural to her. Despite this, She listened to Riley because She thought she wanted to be like everyone else too.

Her parents always had a rocky relationship, but She noticed them fighting more as She got older. Then, one night, her parents told her they were separating for the time being, and her Dad would be living somewhere else for a while. She was devastated.

“They fight because of you, you know,” Riley would insist, “you are their most difficult child, you always start fights, and you tend to always side with your mom. So your parents are separated solely because of you.”

She cried immediately. When She went to her mom and told her what Riley said, her mom took her to therapy. She liked going to therapy; it was a safe space because it was one of the only places Riley’s influence was non-existent. It was also the first time She had ever talked about Riley in such detail.

Riley’s comments slowed as She kept going to therapy until they almost stopped. She told her mom that she might be ready to take a break from therapy, that she doesn’t think Riley will bother her anymore, and that she has a much clearer headspace. Her mom agreed.

Even if Riley wasn’t bothering her, Riley was always there. For someone who had been telling her for years to never stand out, Riley’s presence never went unnoticed. At times, She could feel Riley watching and judging her every move, but Riley wouldn’t say anything. Other times, when She was feeling weaker, Riley would speak directly to her, once again controlling her life. This cycle was bound to become detrimental, and it did.

When She finally reached high school, her grandma, who lived down the street and visited every day at least two times, died from heart failure. Riley saw She was weakened by this, embraced the opportunity, and took over.

“You should have gone to visit more when she was sick. Now you’ll never get the chance again, and she died wondering why you hadn’t cared about her enough. You were constantly disappointing her, and you are constantly disappointing your family.”

Disappointment. This comment stayed with her. She believed Riley.

“You’re sad. This means you don’t have to hang out with friends, so today might be a good day to stay in bed again. Let’s watch a TV show or something,” Riley would again convince her.

Her mom started to notice that She was isolating herself from her friends, always staying in bed, her irritability, and her lack of motivation. Although reluctant under Riley’s influence, She started therapy again. She didn’t like her old therapist anymore, though, especially when She saw Riley sitting in a chair next to her. She didn’t like her second one either. Or the third. It seemed hopeless to her.

“Therapy doesn’t even work for you anymore. Nothing else will ever fix or help you, so you might as well try and make it all end permanently, right?” Riley asked her one morning.

She told her fourth therapist what Riley said. Her fourth therapist recommended She go on medication. Her mom made her an appointment, despite Riley’s constant effort to convince her otherwise. She was put on medication, and Riley was there. The medication increased, and Riley was still making the same comments. Riley finally convinced her She was fine, and so She stopped taking it.

She was going to college, and so was Riley. Her mom told her if She wanted to make new friends, She had to leave her comfort zone and start being more social. Riley told her the second her parents left, “You already have solid friends from high school; let’s just stay in the room alone. We know we’re safe when we’re by ourselves.”

Even though She knew she shouldn’t listen to Riley, She found it harder to oppose anything that was said. She felt comfortable in a world with Riley in it; it was the only world She knew.

Then the world everyone knew changed in a way it had never before, as schools started to shut down from the pandemic, and the students living on campuses were sent home. Living in isolation, She spent a lot of time with Riley. It was the only thing She could do. She realized that she had never really wanted or tried to spend time with Riley before, but then, She was suddenly forced to. As a result, She learned a lot about Riley.

She learned that Riley hates being ignored and found that when she took the time to listen to Riley, she only felt better about herself. She never really thought Riley needed her. She also learned that Riley intends to protect her, not hurt her. Riley just tends to deliver the message in the wrong way. Every single time.

As soon as she learned about Riley, She knew more about herself. Much to Riley’s initial dismay, She came out of the closet. This was a big step in her quest to get out of her comfort zone and challenge Riley. Riley was scared that if She was different, She would have a more difficult life. But, She knew this wasn’t true. She also figured the more She challenged Riley, the harder it would be for Riley to influence her.

Even though She is now much more comfortable out of her comfort zone, sometimes She still finds herself blindly following Riley’s lead. So the cycle continues, but now She recognizes when Riley is in charge and knows it needs to change and how to change it. One of Riley’s most recent attempts at control led to a prescription for the proper medication. The harm Riley inflicts on her helps her understand Riley more, which leads to help from others. She will never know a world without Riley, but She is still learning who She really is as a person, and that person will never let Riley convince her to leave it.