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40 Days of Quarantine

Isolation. Dreams. Madness.

By Anna HamiltonPublished 3 years ago 43 min read
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THEY are watching me and I do not know why

Day 1

It's 3 in the morning , and what's happening seems important. I don't think I'll be able to remember this when I get a few hours of decent sleep, so I'm writing it all down. At 2 in the morning, the most ungodly hour to wake someone up, I was woken up by a person in a face mask. I was still very cloudy-minded , so I didn't hear all of what he (even though, for all I know, it could have been a woman) said, but it sounded like I had to be tested for some disease. I asked what they were talking about and the person in the mask just said there was a huge pandemic going around.

The face masked person was with a group of other people in face masks, and they all dragged me out of my bedroom and took me to the hospital. They walked me through the main hall, and turned into what appeared to be a small section set aside for the epidemic. It could as well have been a temporary camp set up on the fringes of a 3rd world town that just experienced an earthquake, but with more advanced technology. This is clearly a surprise pandemic. I walked into a little room, and the tests began. First they did blood tests, then full body scans. Nobody even considered asking about my health. I guess it didn't matter anyway; all I'd really had was a slight headache and joint aches. Probably head cold or dehydration, I figured. Then they said they would have to test the results.

There are no magazines or anything in here, they must have feared them getting infected or something, so I started writing all this down. Someone just burst in and said that I've tested positive for the disease. It's called ORI (omnitrol resistant influenza), there's no known cure for it, and they'll have to put me on quarantine. I had no idea that this was going around and this is seriously freaking me out.

– Yours truly, Camo Ferris

* * *

Thank goodness I wrote all that stuff down earlier this morning. Otherwise I would have no idea what is going on. According to my watch (which is probably off. No, is off. I forgot to set it back for the end of Daylight savings time) it's 9 a.m (but it's really 8:00). I'm in a little room that looks made of metal. It can't be too much more than 10 x 10 feet. There's a bed, a bathroom and shower, and the rest of it is open space. I guess this disease must be really bad to make them to go to these kinds of lengths. Headache slightly worse. I am still feeling dazed and confused, so I can't exactly say that I'm feeling any particular emotions. I'm not particularly religious, but I'm praying I don't have a migraine by the end of today.

Day 2

It was hard to get to sleep last night. I'm definitely catching this thing. I was served breakfast this morning by a person in a face mask, gloves, and a protective suit. She (I'm pretty sure this one was female) cautiously opened the door like I was going to leap out at her or something, put down the food, and left. The food , that is, if you could call it food, was served on a sterilized plate and looked more like a processed edible product than food (note to self: there IS a difference). Next time I want to make it clear I would prefer toast and some coffee.

I wonder if there are any other people in here with me. I have knocked on the walls, but no response. I have tried to yell and see if anyone else can hear me, but maybe the walls are soundproof, I don't know. But there is a little hole on the door (I can barely get my hand through it). It only opens on the hall side though so I think they use it to watch me.

I got bored just waiting around for lunch so I scrawled down some algebra problems to use my brain, but most of them were just wrong from the start. Probably from lack of coffee. It feels really good to me to use my brain, like how good you feel when you finish a work out, if you're one of those people who likes to work out. It makes you feel like you're getting something done. I don't really get a whole ton of brain exercise at my job. I work as a Wal-mart clerk. I'm getting bored of it. I know there's probably something else I should be doing with myself. I really feel like I have potential, but I don't know what and I can't afford college. I'm pretty good at math (but obviously not good at writing problems). The margins on this page are embarrassing. Or funny. Actually, thinking again, they do seem kind of funny.

Do I need to divide??

Replace X2 with X3

No no no X3 divides out weird

Help! I'm tangled in my own math problem!!

Wish I had math teacher

I should probably stop acting like a little kid and start being an adult, but there really is no reason to. I mean, I can act like a little kid if I want to, I'm basically spending time alone where I will get to be as weird as I want, but something keeps me from accepting that. I guess I'm finally becoming an adult, or just letting my worries follow me. My friend Roy says I'm so nitpicky I could be an editor, and that I'm a worry wort. I don't think so. I think personally that I'm fairly relaxed; not OCD or anything. I wonder if Roy is wondering where I am, and what I'm doing.

I wonder if he wonders who I am, if not just a worrier, nitpicky editor, slightly conflicted checkout guy. I bet he wouldn't guess prisoner.

Day 3

Threw up violently all morning. I honestly wish I could tell my stomach that it's not going to get rid of the germ by hacking up all its contents. I now have an idea of how bad food poisoning is and I have sworn never to eat something with mayonnaise in it ever again. Easily one of the worst mornings of my life. I still felt sick, so I just lay down and tried to rest. In the end, I got bored out of my mind. The really annoying thing is, I can hardly think. It's amazing I've found the energy to even write any of this.

I wonder if people who wrote diaries in the old days did it only because they were bored. Or maybe real diary writers are just miserable middle-school and high-school girls who have no idea what to do with themselves. I am definitely miserable, which is one of those states that, when you fall into it, you feel that you have never experienced anything else.

I’m thinking a lot about Amanda, my ex. There’s a food person here that I swear looks just like her and I think it is her. I know I probably messed up that relationship by being…I don’t know, immature, weird, whatever, but also she expected way too much from me. Used to just blur out all the thoughts of her but now I have way too much time and I’m actually having to deal with it. I wish we were still together but that bridge is very burned so I guess I’ve just got the memories and trying to figure out if I or we have some kind of issue to deal with.

Day 4

I remember when I was six years old my family went to Four Corners. My parents had been staying on the pavement, taking pictures of each other with an arm or leg in each state, but I was not interested. Being a little boy, I wanted to move. I took a look around and charged off into Utah. My parents immediately took off after me and brought me back. I asked them if I could really run into any place if I ran far enough. They said yes. I remember saying “ I wish I could run faster, then I could run all the way to Grand Canyon.” I felt so free. I could choose any direction, and I would arrive somewhere interesting and see so much. It overwhelmed my six-year-old senses. Now I feel the exact opposite. I feel totally trapped.

The worst part of it? I'm alone. I can't pretend it's not getting to me. I wish that they would at least quarantine people together. I really don't feel like making up places to go in my head, because then I'll start thinking about other people and I don't want the possible pain that would come with that. But isn't it worse feeling lonely? Humans have a knack for doing what is worst for themselves. Maybe I'm wiser for not even considering, because when you realize that others are not there, doesn't that just bring more disappointment? I'll have to figure all these things out for myself. That's part of growing up. My mother always said that the kids these days just never grow up. They will be 18, 20, even 30, and they still seem to think they're little boys (and girls, but since I was a boy and the lecture was aimed at me, I assumed she meant boys.)

I was always the slightly dysfunctional kid, eternally in 'emerging adulthood' ( the fancy way of saying, still in teenage identity crisis phase). Not exactly abnormal, still able to be cool and collected most of the time, but a little weird. Everything from my name to the dated TV shows I watched to my hair. It's dark brown and curly, but I wanted it to grow long because I thought long hair looked cool, but it ended up looking too feminine with the curls, like a pretty lady that looked a little like a boy. It all came to an ultimatum when one of my friends tried to get me to use hair straightener, and I refused to go that far on hair because I was a boy dammit, so I just cut it short and gave up the 'biker' look forever. To this day I look like a punk cupid with an oversized nose.

Wow I must be truly depressed if all I can talk about is hair. As it is, it's so hard to come crashing back from distraction that I won't even try. Heavy metal music would be appreciated right now.

Day 5

Today was a lost day. I have been so sick that I have hardly been able to write at all but I thought that if I missed just one day it would make a ripple effect and I would miss many days. But why is it that I have this urge to write everything down? There's no point to it! I'm bored with writing, I'm tired of it, it feels like a burden. Especially since I've felt that I don't have the energy to do anything besides lay there. I am tired all the time I feel incredibly sick and there are big red spots all over me. It's not the average flu. It's getting worse. My joints are stiff ( I hope I don’t get lockjaw). THEY are still serving me food but I have only eaten one meal per day since day 2. I could say this will be life-threatening by day 7 probably. Day 7? a little weird to me to imagine future days in here. Too much brain pain to use punc. Cant think, surprised I can write.

Day 6

should have known, got encephalitis last night. swelling hurts like CRAZY!!!! I swear these things are worse when you're alone.

I thought I was getting hunger fatigue so I ate everything I had (they dont offer much food per meal. awful treatment. I might sue if I ever get out.) no I wouldnt win anyway plus I'm not the type to sue really. I have to write this while propping myself up against the wall that my bunk leans against while holding the diary against my knees. I notice I write long ones when i'm not really sick because then it doesn't hurt. My sight is a little fuzzy I could be going blind but I can read my watch and it says 5 p.m but it's an hour off so its really 4 p.m. Going to sleep and preparing for another of those nights from hell.

Day 7

what can I say but worst day of my life? Encephalitis worse than ever, joint aches crazy, totally felt like life was awful. Thought I was about to die twice. First time the pain was awful I was so tired but beyond normal tired my heartbeat was doing weird things and I thought I would die. I mumbled to myself, someone get a priest here. But of course there was none I wanted to at least have a candle so I spent an hour nearly killing myself trying to set something on fire. I rubbed metal, tried to find heater, looked for anything flammable. After that, I couldn't take it anymore and I collapsed against the wall. That time I almost knew I was a goner. I was unconscious for 3 hours. Next thing I knew I was feeling just as bad as ever and I felt someone holding my shoulder. Another one spoke into a communication device, saying 'he's still alive.' I opened my eyes. My vision was so bleary I couldnt see a thing, but I could tell from feel that the person holding me was trying to keep as distanced as possible. 'is this heaven?' I asked.

'No,' she said. She pushed something into my mouth.

“what's that?” I asked.

“it's anti-inflammatory. Now get back into bed,” she said. It took all my strength to hobble back.

“Tell my family I'm all right,” I mumbled. They couldn't hear me they just left.

This writing could be cool to show when I get out of here. I hope I do soon. And hope keeps us from going crazy.

Day 8

still feel terrible but not as bad as yesterday. Headache feels a little better from anti-inflammatory. Even though cant think still in awe I'm not dead yet. Could be worse right? No probably not its bad as it is but still?? I thought a little about what kind of house I want they are totally different . One idea is log house, another one of those new smarthouses that they have that are giant computers you charge stuff on the wall but they're really really expensive theres no way I could afford one. When I get out of here I'll most likely be ending up with the same old thing... rental home, Wal-mart job. Better than flipping burgers, I guess. For some reason i'm in a fairly upbeat mood probably because for the first time in while i'm improving. Hope good keeps up. Still hurts to think though and I force myself to eat.

Day 9

When I woke up today I was already feeling better. Of course I still have the usual – the swelling, soreness, general feeling bad, and I know that the hacking cough will not be gone for a while, but now I can actually write full sentences. Everything I see is still fuzzy and I can only read if it's bright but at least I can see the punctuation I'm writing. I haven't used punctuation over the last few days (internet-ese, my mother calls it) because I could hardly see the fine lines that make up commas, apostrophes, etc. . In fact the letters are so tall they take up two lines on Day 7's entry. I'm still having trouble with the apostrophes and I had to cross out a bunch of words with them because I was slashing the letters.

I had no idea I'd be recovering this fast, this must be one of those diseases that just does that kind of thing. Frankly I cant wait until I get out of here. I'll be free to do what I usually do at long last. I guess I can't take it for granted. I've even been missing Wal-mart's a little bit. It actually isn't so bad. I miss having something to do with myself every day that I can fill up my time with. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate it sometimes, but we always hate doing any particular thing at times. Nobody can just spend all day being entertained – even that gets dull after a while. So I think I will gladly be getting back to regular life. Haven't been thinking about what day it actually is, but I bet it was thanksgiving a few days ago. I am going to send a letter to my family telling them why I've been gone. I really hope they believe me. Here it is. I ripped out a page of this diary and am going to somehow try to get the food-bringers to send it.

Hey everyone,

So sorry I couldn't come. I have been taken into quarantine by some kind of emergency force that seems to be dealing with an apparently widespread pandemic and I have not been in a good enough state to travel and have been in quarantine so as not to spread the infection and completely ruin the reunion by having everyone come home with ORI. Sorry I couldn't come to see all of you.

Happy holidays,

Camo Ferris

Day 10

Feel spectacular for some reason, but somehow it doesn’t quite feel right. Most aches, fatigues, etc. completely gone. I am so excited to be getting out. Ten days in here, and now it's finally over! This only leaves me with a few things to think about. Like, what am I going to do with my life? I can't just work as a shop worker forever. I'm one of those people, come to think of it, that likes to be doing something. I just can't stand getting started on doing it. I've been pacing a lot in my room, thinking about what I'll do when I get back home. I have the idea in my head that I'm going to go somewhere beautiful or interesting. The jury is still out on where I will go, or even how I will manage to do that, but I can make goals, can't I ? Actually, I never really meet my goals. I make them, work at Walmarts, and then decide that I didn't really want to do that in the first place. What I really can't wait for is to be able to have a good conversation with all these people. I just want to talk to someone, even if it's the grouchiest person I know. I want to ask everything. Maybe karaoke would be good for me to get my voice working again. I'll ask the food bringer tomorrow if I can leave.

Day 11

I asked the food person. They said the disease had gone into silent killer phase and that there are no symptoms because there is no fight going on. I asked them how it was that there could still be a germ if there was no symptoms. They said it was too hard to explain as if I were some kind of dummy. They won’t even deliver my letter to my family. Now he (or she) is going off to get sanitized and go home to their life while I sit here for an indeterminate amount of time.

Day 12

I thought I knew the person was wrong. I asked them all. And they all said I couldn't leave. I can't believe it. How can they lock up people in these little dungeons for an undefined time? How do they live with themselves? They all must be robots if they think that they can just take me out of the world at 2 in the morning (just adding insult to injury), then put me through a bunch of scans while not telling me anything about why they were doing it, then plunk me down in here and still say that they're doing something good! Then look at me through a little peep hole! People that look like people I know, too! Well, if I ever meet them again then I'll make sure they know how they took all hope and just left me here while never even bothering to talk!

Day 13

Why me? Why did it have to be me? They could just as well have picked any other joe off the streets and tested. Like some random joe off the streets that has a lot of contact with others, a connected person. Either they chose me randomly or they just thought I would spread a lot of disease. What if they picked the wrong person? What if the right person is just running around giving everyone ORI without even caring? Shouldn't they be testing him (or her)?!?! They're like a bunch of robots. They have just taken away all hope of ever seeing anything I love These people have no right to shut me up in this little cage! I think I'll be suing.

Day 14

I asked one of the food bringers how long it would be until they would FINALLY let me out of here. That drone said that they had not fully studied the disease yet and they couldn't tell! So now I have a few questions.

One: Are you using me as some kind of guinea pig for your 'experiment'?

Two: How do you know I'm in silent killer phase and not just recovered? Have more people died in this phase than any other?

Three: How much more time do you want me to spend in here? Another couple days? A week? A year???

Four: Why don't you at least give some kind of entertainment in here? We (as I would guess there are probably more) are going stir crazy!

Five: Are there more people here? Why can't you at least put them together?

Six: Why won't you even give a hint!!??!!!???!!??!!??

Day 15

Still annoyed at these people, but I realize doing nothing but raging at them won't solve anything. Being angry starts to stink after a while. It kind of ritzes your brain. Of course I know this kind of treatment is unjust, but there is no reason really to make holes in the paper. I am so glad I have been writing things down, what a great way to vent. So now I've reached that stage where I'm still angry at them but it's cooled and I realize it's better to be cooled down. Hopefully they'll let me out pretty soon but, of course, they'll refuse. How much longer can I take this??

the nice thing today is that I found a little notepad concealed somewhere under the bed. It is small and only has 12 pages, so I'm hoarding it. Today I scribbled on one page to get the last of my anger out. I pulled it out of the note pad so I wouldn't make dents in other perfectly good paper. I have spent an hour staring at the notepad from various angles. Who knew that I would get taken down so low that a tiny notepad could boost my mood and fill me with wonder? I have looked for other hidden objects but the only thing I have found is a soap and some cheap hair stuff. And I have looked EVERYWHERE.

I bet the notepad belonged to the last guy who was here. He probably wanted to scribble down everything just like I do. It’s really nice to know that there was someone else going through the same thing as me.

Day 16

I can't believe I didn't notice this before. It's the air in here. It's getting to me. I can't breathe in this little dark hold! I' m suffocating every day! Also, I haven't been seeing any sunlight for 16 days straight and my eyes must be adjusting to darkness. I don't want to be like a canary. I feel like a canary. A canary in a coal mine (a good description, as I'm sure I'm the guinea pig here). Also, earlier this morning They gave me some of this jell stuff that is about as removed from food as I am from the moon. And another thing. I have hardly ever used my voice. The only people I've talked to are Them (my way of saying 'those weird guys in goggles, masks, and protective armor that are about as responsive as zombies). My voice has almost vanished. Gives me these weird ideas about what's in my head and what's around me, and that they're not really connected. And the water. I could swear it's bad tap water, probably loaded with junk. It's like it's me vs. Them, but I can't beat Them. They're in charge here. I've told myself I'll start saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning so I don't feel like my voice is vanishing. Remember 'with liberty and justice to all'? Where's the liberty? Where's the justice?

Day 17

Said Pledge of Allegiance and fell silent for the rest of the day. You don't realize how silent you are until you start saying a little. Food just as awful as ever. Everything else as awful as ever. Paced back and forth thinking about how I'll get revenge on these pandemic prevention idiots but decided there's no point. So now I'm back to square one (um, day 15). There's an idea. I could try philosophy. So what do I do, buy a bunch of ancient Greek philosophy books and let my brains be blasted out? Then get modern philosophy, blow my brains out some more, and decide that Freud's a weirdo? I've already heard from my younger brother Cayden that he was a weirdo.

Of course Cayden's a genius, I'm getting paid near minimum wage to punch numbers into a register and show people around a mile-wide store. Geez, Camo, where's your pride in work lately? Beats me, I must have lost it when things started getting tedious (dull? Boring?) a while ago. Probably because you knew you were destined for something else but had no idea what because Cayden and Mellie have done everything cool. Cayden's brilliant, Mellie's adorable, I'm just weird old Camo who can't pull his life together even though he's by 3 years the oldest.

Day 18

Got so lonely I couldn't bear it. That left me only one thing to do, something I'd never (or rarely, since First Grade) done in my life: make things. I made four dolls out of toilet paper and played around with them. Their names are Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine, like the Seinfeld bunch. I also made a little origami frog out of one of my precious pieces of paper, but I don't really do origami, so I ended up unfolding it so many times that I ended up with a creased frog-shaped thing, so I named it Creasy. Told Creasy about how painful it is to be lonely (almost physically), almost making it worse knowing I'm talking to a creased piece of paper.

Day 19

Today there is a gap inside me that nothing offered in this miserable little prison can fill. I need human contact. I'm shriveling away from the loneliness. I would almost rather have miserable sickness like in earlier days than have to deal with this. I would just fake being happy, but there's no reason to fake anything, because there's nobody to make myself fake to. All I have is myself, and to be honest, there's nothing in me that's worth it. I can't talk to myself because I'm not two people.

So I've haggled it out with Jerry and Kramer, even though those two never offer input. But I can't blame them for it; they're just little dolls made of toilet paper. It makes me wonder; if God exists, does he get lonely with nothing but his own creations to talk to? Of course, when you're like, God, you might be able to be many sides of the same being—I don’t know. I've just got me and some pieces of paper.

Day 20

Tomorrow it will be the three week anniversary of my 'stay' here. A lot of days. Some of Them are really looking familiar. One looks just like Amanda. I wonder how she feels about me. I wonder if she ever thinks of me. I hope so. Part of me wants to talk to her but I know I’ll screw it up so I don’t say anything. And another one looks a lot like my high school lab partner. Another one looks like my dad. Well, that's probably impossible anyway. Maybe he would have talked to me. And those masks really distort people. And I haven't seen much of him, tell the truth. He wasn't around most of the time, and even when he was, he had these ways of not being there. Books and silent retreats into the study were among the tactics. Then, when I was 14, he actually left to tend to his ailing parents (he was an only child. If he hadn't been, I would guess he would have never considered it and left it to a sibling). A series of delays kept him gone until I was nearly 16. The scary thing was, that absence hardly made a difference on my life.

So, he's not one of those people you just instantly recognize when you see, but I am certainly beginning to see him coming out in George. No matter how much I talk to my 'friends', George always is acting reclusive, which hurts my feelings. Whenever I try to talk, he just acts like I'm not there. Kramer and Jerry are much nicer to me, even though Kramer is a little odd; and Elaine is the only girl in the bunch, and is starting to become Amanda. She has a short temper and is extremely passionate about her own opinions. At least getting yelled at from time to time by a toilet paper thing is better than receiving no input at all. And, back to the point, whenever one of Them opens the door, I try to look out. I have a growing suspicion they have better rooms in the same building. But I can never see anything. It's annoying. There's probably a whole world just in here that I'm not seeing, and then theres the whole world out of that.

Day 21

3 week anniversary of being all alone. Don't feel like celebrating. Don't want to eat. Sat with face shoved into corner for a while. Don't feel like talking to Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, George, or Creasy. Sleep becoming desirable state. It's just a big black hole that you get to go into for 8 hours, you usually feel like some time passed, and then you're back into things. The fact I'm still here isn't too much of a motivation.

Day 22

Starting day of week 4. how long will it be until I have spent a month in here? Hacking cough still present but going down. Food people have been starting to slack on my water. They gave me some kind of vitamin fortified pudding mix, since it draws closer to the holidays. I'm still not very hungry. I don't want to move. I've become a lump, sitting in here. If this is how I'll live I have no reason to live. I wish they would give me a date to count down to. Every day is a longer stretch to forever in solitude. I have no idea how it is that the hermits do so well like this. I'm losing my mind. It gets unbearable: and then it goes on some more. Happiness has become sickening to me, like over-sweetened cake. I repetitively throw my little toys across the room. I curl up in pain that I have no way to get out of.

Day 23

' The rain fell down upon the willows in the forest, and the winds shook them from side to side, branches swaying in the breeze. These drops, these tears of the sky, first they lightly touched each sighing, drooping tree, then silently sunk into the ground. The clearing in that forest was silent but for this small, rhythmic, noise, until'

I was trying to write, because I felt I was in a creative spurt. If only I could feel rain. It's dry as a bone and I feel slightly dead in here. Nothing comes out, nothing in, except the food. Today I woke up, ate, fell into the wall and slid down repetitively, ate again, curled up into a ball for hours on end, started writing. But where will my writing go now? Until what? Monsters? Aliens? Murderers? A squirrel? All inspiration now lost.

Day 24

No idea what life is worth, in here or out. If I stay, there's nothing but sitting and showering and waiting for the arrival of nutrient jelly. Like Chinese water torture. But if I leave, it's back to boring and repetitive work, unstable rent, almost nothing happening in my life. Is it really that much different than quarantine? Life is just repetitive and boring. Nothing exciting ever happens to me. With movie people, adversity shakes things up, but for me, even adversary is boring and repetitive. There is no point in life. To me, it's just extra time I have to fill with something. Nothing here. Whenever one of Them looks at me through that little hole I double up and start banging my head on the floor. My little toys live in a dark little corner of the cell; that's how I feel. Cold and alone, both in here and out, waiting only for food or lunch break. I have lived this way even in regular life. But I'm alive, and I manage to just barely survive. I do stuff, I get paid at the end of the day, I buy food, and go to sleep, to start the whole cycle again the next day. There is no reason to try to live another way because then I'd just graduate into a higher paying version of the same dumb things all over again.

All life is dull, repetitive, worthless.

Day 25

That Food person IS Amanda. She doesn't care. None of them care. I've been deserted and left all alone. I won't try to escape. There's no point. Nothing in, nothing will ever come out. I wish I could just die in here, then everything would be better. And the one that looks like my lab partner is my lab partner. Even silly little acquaintances like that can turn into these deep, dark, voids. I'm sure they won't let me die here. It's a freaking care facility (or at least they say so). They don't understand. They don't understand ORI or isolation or just how pointless my whole life in retrospect is. Sat all day with face in pillow unaware of time.

Day 26

My head fell into my pillow and I couldn't find the energy to lift it. I lie that way all morning. Nearly suffocated. Had to be pulled back up by Them, and have air pumped in me. Then, (of course) they toss the thing out because I'm so bad that they won't reuse anything I've touched. There is nothing interesting in life. Life sucks. I can’t move and I am slow. Do people who live dreary wonder the same thing? Or if they don't, is it because they never have the time? That was how I felt. Now I realize either way, life is dumb.

Day 27

Did nothing all day. Felt deep misery. Then said I would make best of things but it won't work. They'll keep watching me through their little hole and note my every move. They still have me and They'll never let me out. I'm sure they just want to keep me in here. And I don't care. Leave me here. I don't care. I don't. I'm just despairing. Life is not good, nor dumb. There is nothing. Nothing. Nothing will ever change. Nothing but pain will ever be in the world.

Day 28

I keep telling myself I'll be out soon but it has never actually come to pass. They have got to be up to something. How can I have waited so long? It's been 4 weeks. It is getting colder. Because the heater stopped working a while ago. I tried to fix the heater. I really did. I asked one of Them to fix it but They, like always, just act like I'm not there. I tried to bribe one of the female food-bringers with Elaine, but she seems to think I'm just weird. They all do. Nothing else has really changed. There is a constant level of light, almost constant food. They have been missing a meal every now and again but They have been being better about it lately. So, anyway, what will I do when I get back? Watch a ton of TV, work like crazy, take antidepressants.

Day 29

Camo: you do not need antidepressants, you do not need antidepressants, you do not need antidepressants. You feel just fine. You do. Nothing wrong. Admit it, you will never fully learn to accept that you will be here for however long They want you to be, but you can make the best of things, right? I mean, there's people in prison who do it for years on end. Of course, they're all crazy. You're not crazy. You've never been crazy in your life. So today I will think of happy things. I will dream about meadows and deserts that stretch as far as the eye can see. I will wonder what it looks like outside, which I haven't seen for a month. And then you will be homesick. And you will draw pictures of things in the notepad or the diary. You only have 6 pages left. Use them wisely.

Day 30

Today I feel very mixed. I am so despairing at the state of things, and also a little of that anger from a couple weeks ago is left over. But I have told myself the best thing to do is to be happy. It makes everything better, right? And if they're looking at me, then shouldn't they see something good so they don't put me on some drug? So today I have decided to wear a fake smile all day. It started hurting about 5 minutes in, but I kept on smiling. I smiled practically until I could cry. I have no idea what They think of it because I can hardly see their expressions through all the protective gear. Of course, I just felt worse than ever because apparently, happiness cannot be created by smiling like a clown. I don't think that my parents were very good at smiling, and being convincing, so I never learned right. On TV, it is always fake anyway. And at work, it's not like you have to be smiley. At least for guys. Probably should have forced being happy better at work.

I tried to give Elaine to Amanda. I said, 'hey, it's you'(which was true. Elaine just yells snap out of it when I'm being depressive. But she holds some of Amanda's better qualities as well. Like she motivates me to do better when I’m too stuck in myself). Amanda just looked at me funny. The next person to serve me food reminded me a lot of Cayden. Jerry acts a lot like Cayden: he always has something smart to say, and makes me feel dumb, but he still says he is my friend and he is trying to be nice. I think.

Day 31

I think it will be far, far, better out there than in here. Even though I have read that my job is boring in past entries, it can't be that bad, compared to this. That life was tedious, but compared to this, absolutely fun. And I feel perfectly fine. The after effect hacking cough is all but gone. I am experiencing abnormalities, but could it just be from depression? So now I must make a plan to get out of here. All I have is a little notepad, a pen, this diary, and a bar of soap, and some thin blankets. The only way out that I can see is through the door that They open when one of Them is bringing food. However, They have been being inconsistent and I must always be prepared. I could attempt to throw the soap to distract them, and run out. But that won't be enough. Maybe I'll have to use the blanket to keep them from seeing me. I have got on top of every structure I can in this room, and felt everywhere, and looked in every opening, and the vent, and deduced that there are no other ways out but the door. Will spend tonight refining escape plan. I do not know, however, what to do about my friends. They will get in the way, for sure, but I cannot leave them in a place like this where you're always watched and never let loose and everyone acts like you're crazy. So I think I can put them in a pocket and escape.

Day 32

Today I attempted escape. I had the soap ready, the diary under my arm so it would be out of the way, and the blankets. The food bringer came in. But it was the one that looked like Amanda. I dropped the soap and stared for a moment, then plopped down. I could have sworn she gave me a weird look. I can't believe it. She only thinks I'm weird. Everyone does.

I managed to get back up and half-heartedly charged out the door. They managed to pull me back in (there were more of Them around, for some reason). One of them tried to get me to take some kind of pill. They must all be crazy if they think that they can get any result, I.e me agreeing to their demands, by having me take Their pills. They just want me to be complacent. I will wait until tomorrow and attempt to escape again, since if I try later today They'll still have their guard up. I hope Amanda doesn't come back because I can't stand looking at her (even if she's covered by gear).

Jerry is definitely teaming up with George, and they both are against me. I am noticing Jerry seems to be challenging me as head of our group. I think they must be jealous. I tell them not to be, but I know they are. they still are not ready to turn against me. Yet.

Day 33

Today I tried to run out the door but They blocked me off again. It's like They are reading my mind. They seem to know when I will try and they block me. I'll have to just wait until they're least expecting it. Take those damn pills they want me on, make them think I'll behave. Then I can run out, and They won't know what hit them. They can't have a video camera in here, because I checked. I have checked for the last few days to see if they are monitoring me. I’ve found nothing, but they have to be. Why else would I be here? Why else would they have left me in here so long? It is no coincidence the door only ever opens when They bring food, and They are trained in fighting. But I know I'm more clever than them. I have Kramer on my side. Kramer always helps me out with my plans. He's the only one who understands me. I'll find a way.

Day 34

They have just GOT to be watching me and my every move. I filled in Their peephole they use to spy on me, and I always whisper to Creasy and the others. There is no way they don't know my intentions. I have checked again and again for cameras, and yet I see none. I spend today looking everywhere for any kind of monitor. I thought I saw something in the shower head and I broke it in case I had destroyed any secret cameras. I have broken everything that looks like a camera. Then tomorrow I'll try again.

Day 35

When the door opened for the breakfast guy, I stood still for a bit. Then I ran out as fast as I could. He wasn't expecting it. I got almost down the halls, and then more of Them grabbed me and dragged me back into that little cell. I was so close to getting out. Almost free. And then back in. I know it was George's fault. George was trying to hold me back. He was trying to distract me so I couldn't get out. I am outraged at him for betraying me like that. Also, Jerry doesn't approve of my escape plan but he has no ideas so he's being a hypocrite. I thought he was with me but clearly he isn't. Then They called out for an Electromagnetic shield. I had no idea what that was, and then I remembered from all the movies I've seen: They are going to put a force field around me so I can't escape. If they have that kind of tech I know They're reading my mind. Now the force field is up, and only They can get just food through it. Now they want to keep me in here forever. What do They want to do to me? I broke a few more camera-hiding spots just in case and I've shoved some blankets into the spy hole. They must be disappointed at the lack of incoming data.

Day 36

Today I tried to escape again but now they have an invisible door where the old one would open. I run toward it in full force and it doesn't let me through. I asked it, over and over again, to open. I yelled at it. It didn't open one bit. It always throws me across the room. I said, 'You are incredibly rude, door!' It kept doing the same thing. That door is not listening. I now check every dinner They serve me to make sure it's not poisoned. I sniff it, turn it this way and that, and break it open to see what's inside. So far they haven't dared to put something toxic in there. It makes sense they still want me alive.

Jerry is not trusting me anymore! I just know it! Also Elaine is being extremely nasty to me! They are all turning against me! Hopefully Creasy is still on my side. I know it has got to be Jerry's fault that I didn't get out. Both Jerry and George because they are teaming up against me. Kramer is being very strange. He is trying to tell me that it's my fault that they are turning on me but I know he's lying and he's with them.

I am very angry at Mellie for running away like that. She ran away from us. I recall she said she wanted to be an artist but she probably just hated me. I always knew she hated me and she wanted to leave as quick as possible. She can't even stand looking at me. And Cayden is teaming up with her, I'm sure. Because he is going to leave too. They never talk to me. They rarely call. They hate me. And I hate them back. They were always trying to get me in trouble, weren't they? Weren't they just reliant on me being the bad kid? I go to bed tossing and turning.

Day 37

THEY WERE ALL TERRIBLE TO ME! THEY WERE ALL SO AWFUL TO ME! THOSE PEOPLE AT WORK! THERE WAS A LADY THERE WHO SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MY NAME, I KNOW SHE IS MOCKING ME! I COUNTED, ON E OF THE PEOPLE AT WORK WAS A PENNY OFF ON MY PAY! THEY ARE TRYING TO GIVE ME THE SHORT SHRIFT AREN'T THEY!! I THOUGHT AMANDA LOVED ME BUT SHE JUST LEFT ME BEHIND! SHE WAS AWFUL TO ME ALWAYS! COME TO THINK OF IT, ALL PEOPLE ARE AWFUL CREATURES TO ME! THEY ALL JUST MOCK ME! THEY MUST BE LAUGHING BEHIND THEIR NORMAL LOOKS! WHEN I GET OUT, I'LL MAKE SURE THEY DON'T JUST THINK I'M WEIRD AND FUNNY! I’LL SHOW THEM WHAT I REALLY AM AND I’LL GET BACK!

Day 38

There is a TREE in HERE and I DO NOT KNOW WhY. They HavE Put It in HERE But IT's NoT a CaMERA. They HavE BEEN ALLOWing ThemSelVeS ClOSER TO ME AND TheY aren't scared AnymorE. ThEY ALL THINk ThEY HAVE ME UnDer CONTROL BuT THEY Are WroNg. The TREE HAS A SPIKY FiVE SpiKeD ThinG on TOP. I MUST NOW KEEP ThE BEAT OF TIME BY TappiNG or ElsE iT will GO AWAY AnD LEAve me behind in it's tracks and I MUST KEEP UP. I DREw the FiVE sPIKED ThIng So I know where it will be and have it WITh ME aT ALL TIMES. I aLSo dREw GeORGe JeRRY ElAInE and KramER So I CaN KeEP ThEm UnDEr ConTRoL ToO Or Else ThEY MiGHt StART CorREsPoNDInG WiTh THEM! I ThInK CREasY Is StoPPIng TiME!

Day 39

Am StiLL BEATING OUT TIME AND MakiNg The DAY HAPPEN AND NOT GET CAUghT in ThiS TimElESS PLACe. ThEY ARE ALL WATCHING ME!! TheY are WATchING ME!! I thought theY sTopPEd watching me BecauSE I BroKE All TheiR CamERas. BuT it IS StiLL ALL AROUND ME, ThiS ENDLESS CONTINUUM!! I muST save mySElf AND BEAT OUT THE TIME!! I aM AFRaID BUT STILL AlivE!! OrI GERM HAS NoT KiLLED ME YeT!

Day 40

I beAT the TimE all Day OF DaY 39 BuT I FelL into The Black Hole and I was nowhere and out until I haVe COME BACK HERE. The Tree Is StilL HeRE AnD it'S WatCHInG ME. CREaSy AnD GeorgE anD ElAInE and JerrY and KraMER arE alSo WatCHiNG Me! I HiD ThEM UnDER The BlANKet So TheY CanT WatCh me buT tHEy arE stilL DOInG IT! AND I FELL OuT OF iT aNd I hAVe sTARED AT THE WaLl and I HavE woKEn baCk up And TheY ARE ALL STILL WATCHING ME!! I See ThEM LOOKInG THROUGH THE HOLE!! ThEY SerVED FooD aGAIn BuT I CannOT Eat! It'S All AFTeR ME!! THEY'RE alL TryinG tO GET ME!! ThEY LiED ABOuT OrI ThEY WanT Me In HERE ForEvER!!

I'vE mADe thEm coME IN AgaiN And ThE InViSIbLE Door is NoW OpEN. ThEY ArE In!!! I puSHEd theM Away FroM ME BecauSE theY are IN FOR ME! I Got TheM OFF! I GraBBEd ThEM AND PULLED THEM OFF ME anD the DooR OpeNS! ThEY ARE AlL GoinG OUT!!

ThE DOOR iS StILL OpEN!! ThERE IS nO WaY TheY canT KeeP ME In HeRE WhERE ThEY CAN WATch me! I need TO RUN!!

TO Run to SomEWhERe WhERe

THEY CANt watCh me

NonE of ThEM!

I NeEd to Go To ThE DESERT! TiME

FloWs ConSTanTlY and NoboDY WatCHes Me!

I HAVE lEFT The PlACE WhERE ThEY ARE anD noW Am OuT!! IT IS DARK!! I MuST Run

AWAY

FroM The DarKNEss! AnD To ThE 4 CorNER PlACE! AnD THE CAnYON

The End

Short Story
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About the Creator

Anna Hamilton

scientist, artist, aspiring author. teacher. idealist. person who likes to think a lot about the world. Aspergerian. follower of Jesus. person who cares a lot.

I am trying to be a writer :)

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