Walmart Sushi

It’s a Tuesday, also known as, Walmart day. In mid-October, Walmart is covered in candy and the notorious sushi. Seven sushi-filled packs line my cart. My friends chatter about how they think I have a problem. I always pretend to be oblivious to their comments.

I love California rolls. I have to stock up every go-home weekend to avoid the infamous, “friends against sushi” talk. They go on and on about how “too much sushi is bad for me,” and “I’m not Japanese, so why do I eat so much.” Often, I sit there unmoving and nonchalant about the entire conversation until finally, they change the subject. Nevertheless, the sushi is worth the dreaded encounter.

Occasionally, buying sushi gives me more trouble than the simple nagging of my friends. Since they’ve realized that I ignore their pleas, they have hired someone to stop me when I’m purchasing. His name is Stanley and, apparently, whenever they see I’m buying sushi, they call him to stop my advances. I’ve gotten chased and even trapped into ninja battles for buying sushi in “large quantities.” Now, I face a ninja in an all black suit that fits him in an unflattering way, but he holds nunchakus firmly so I’m not going to tell him that.

He waits for me at the checkout, standing in front of my friends. I give them a stern eye to show my annoyance with them. Apparently, Stanley doesn’t like to attack in the same costume twice. As I approach him, he snatches three packs of sushi and runs away. I chase him, but I don’t have to for long because he is winded quickly.

He tries pleading with me in this wispy tone that shows he is having trouble breathing.

“You have a problem,” he says.

“Stanley, I don’t have a problem!” I yell, but my efforts are futile. He continues to try to keep the sushi from my grasp. I know his weakness, but I engage in this fight until, finally, I’m ready to go. Stanley gives in to my elbow on his pressure point. He knows I’m going to win, but he tries to make it difficult.

This time when he takes off running down the aisles, he runs into the Walmart Shark, Breadsticks, who is the daughter of a friend of mine. In October, Breadsticks dresses up in costumes for the children in Walmart. When Stanley sees her, he becomes terribly afraid. He then drops my sushi and sprints away. Breadsticks returns it; I thank her and make my way back to the checkout counter.

My friends stand there, shaking their heads as they watch Stanley flee the premises. I proceed to check out my items and bag them before making eye contact with any of these so-called friends. As we walk back to the car, I can hear them chattering, trying to figure out if I am mad or not. I show no emotion. I get into the driver’s seat, wait for them to pile in the backseat, and drive home without saying a word.

They all sit awkwardly, trying to figure out a conversation topic. I turn into my driveway, park, and make my way to the front door. They follow me and make their way to sit on the living room couch as we enter the house. My best friend, Ayanna, gathers the nerve to speak up.

“Kendall, are you seriously mad at us for trying to help you lower your sushi consumption?” She said.

“Yep,” I answered indifferently. She exhales heavily and my other friends throw their hands up in frustration. I hear a knock at the door and I go to get it. To my surprise, it’s Stanley, coming to apologize and step down from his position. My friends graciously allow him to stop attacking me and he heaves a sigh of relief. I ask him if he wants to stay for our movie night; he agrees and takes a seat in the kitchen.

I hear another knock at the door, Corey, another friend of mine, goes to answer it this time. Surprisingly, it’s Breadsticks, still in her shark costume. I ask her what she needs; she just stands there and looks. I invite her in to have a seat. She silently walks in and takes a chair.

Stanley then comes from the kitchen and goes ballistic once he sees Breadsticks. They proceed to get into a full out brawl in the middle of the living room. I then realize that this shark isn’t Breadsticks! When Stanley knocks the head off, we see that instead, it’s November, the evil Walmart manager. She has always hated Stanley, and occasionally she’s been really rude to my friends and me.

I assume she heard about the third incident between Stanley and me. I run and grab the nunchakus for Stanley, who hits himself in the face with them. I should’ve known he didn’t know how to use them. I then have to take over the fight. I whack November once on her ear with the weapon. She yells in pain. I then stub her toe and kick her knee.

She begins to limp out of my house. Stanley then comes to his senses, gets up, kicks her out, and slams the door behind her. We both plop on the couch in relief. Ayanna and the others begin to apologize to me for causing so much trouble. I laugh and tell them I was not actually mad.

Everything was fine until a psycho showed up at my doorstep. We all laugh and they apologize one last time before I ask, “Wait... How did the Walmart manager even get my address?” Corey slowly tiptoes out of the front door.

My other friends laugh as I shake my head.