Unpopular Opinion: Lettuce Tastes Like Wet Grass

by Reuben Salsa 8 months ago in organic

A hideous plant disguised as a vegetable

Unpopular Opinion: Lettuce Tastes Like Wet Grass
Photo by Lulucmy on Unsplash

Don’t be fooled by the Lovers of Lettuce Society. There may be a myriad of varieties to consume, but every single piece tastes like wet grass.

Apparently the Egyptians saw lettuce as a symbol for fertility. They loved the long erect stem and milky sap. The belief being that consuming a dozen of them would give men more stamina in bed. Is man to blame?

“Over time, the Egyptians bred their wild-type lettuce to have leaves that were less bitter and more palatable. The cultivated plants were still tall and upright, with separate leaves rather than heads.” Source: Heirloomgardener.com

There you have it. There was too much head being given and not enough roughage.

I had the extreme displeasure of plucking lettuces from harvest. So sensitive was the gentle bud of stamina, it could only be picked before sunrise. The work plucking day would begin at 4am. Creeping low over the wet green vegetable with knife in hand. It had to be an accurate slice too, so perfect in precision that you wouldn’t expose ‘the heart’.

I wasn’t very good with the slicing action. Many hearts were exposed to my amateur hacking. It’s a glorious site to behold as leaves fell off the plant and each lettuce died a slow death from a thousand cuts.

“The Greeks learned how to grow lettuce from the Egyptians. They used it medicinally as a sedative and served it as a salad at the beginning of meals to help with digestion.” Source: Heirloomgardener.com

A sedative? Legend has it that Aphrodite’s lover, Adonis, was killed in a bed of lettuce by a boar. A boar!

Let that sink in. If you’re standing in a field of lettuce you may be maimed by an angry boar.

Lettuce was now associated with male impotence and death, leading to its presentation at Greek funerals. If that isn’t a reason to stop eating this churlish, tasteless squib, I don’t know what is.

Romans named the plant ‘lactuca’, meaning ‘milk’, for its white ungodly sap. In time, “lactuca” became the English word ‘lettuce’.

“When it reached Britain, women were afraid of eating too much of it, believing lettuce could cause barrenness if eaten in excess.” Source: Heirloomgardener.com

The women of Britain were afraid of this green shrub of doom. They had heard the legends of how gods had died and men were troubled with impotency. An early sign that lettuce should never form a major part of anyone’s diet.

And still we persist in putting the damn leaf into everything!

There’s no meal that hasn’t been ruined by the appearance of Lettuce. No burger is safe when lettuce joins the meat. The wilted leaf sagging under the heat and weight of the succulent burger.

And don’t even get me started on salads…

Reuben Salsa
Reuben Salsa
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Reuben Salsa

Salsa is a fever dream. A whisper carried over the mountains. He’s an illusion. An idea that sways the masses. The grand Oz serenading us with messages of hope and despair in equal parts. Careful, he's itching for a fight.

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