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The Rise of Ninja Toast

by Jocelyn Sailas 2 months ago in satire

What happens when you're part toast and part ninja? Read to find out!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This piece was written over 10 years ago when I was in high school. I decided to post it here for a) a way to not lose it and b) to see how much my writing has improved since then. I hope anyone who reads this will get a chuckle from it. I plan on re-writing this piece in the near future. Please enjoy!

It was so quiet in the house right now. The lights were off and there was a faint glow coming from the window from the moonlight. The sun would be coming up soon and that meant that the hungry giant would be awaking. It was almost time for action. In the dark cabinets of the old, classy kitchen rested the hero of our story. A piece of old toast, a moldy green color wrapped in a pink ninja outfit, was silently awaiting the arrival of the sun and the hungry giant. The piece of toast took the name of Ninja Toast because of his awesome ninja skills and his ninja father. On his back, held up by straps, were two old, butter knives. They were his weapons that he used as a samurai would use his katanas. Around his head, he had a bluish-black headband.

The sun was slowly rising up now. The kitchen had turned a golden pink color. Through the window, came the yellow rays of the sun. The giant would be waking just about now. He would come into the kitchen with an appetite, and that’s when Ninja Toast would strike. This was a new thing. It hadn’t happened before, and that was what Ninja Toast had as an advantage. This would be the first time that he stopped the giant from killing all of his peers, but it wouldn’t be his first encounter with the giant.

He had just been taken from his parents, Ninja and Toast, by a big and somewhat ugly being. He must have been over five feet tall. It was him and his brethren, all bunched together in the plastic bag that was their cramped bed. They saw these giants walk by a lot. At first, they thought that these giants were taking these bags of random siblings to better places. But they found out later that they were really just a bunch of “carbivores.” He watched as all his siblings were eaten and he was next. That next morning, he was taken from the bag and towards the toaster. Of course, he was already part toast because of his mother.

When they got to the toaster, that’s when he decided that he wasn’t ready to die. As he looked down at the toaster, with its hot coils, he could feel the fear that bubbled inside him. After the fear was determination and adrenaline. He wasn’t going to die like his brothers and sisters. He was going to live. Using his awesome ninja skills, he turned around in the giant’s hand and swatted at him with his little arms made of the crust on the sides of him. This startled the giant, making him drop Ninja Toast. When Ninja Toast hit the ground, he ran off as fast as he could, getting his speed from the ninja in him and easiness of hiding from the toast in him. Running, he jumped and slid under the icky bottom of the refrigerator, leaving the giant baffled and speechless.

It was then that Ninja Toast decided to protect all of the breakfast foods. Sitting in the cabinet he heard the booming of the giant’s footprints on the ground. The giant’s name was Mattew Hansen as he had learned from going through the mail that he left on the table. The booming sound of his footsteps became louder and louder as he approached the kitchen. Immediately, he went to the coffee pot and started to brew a new pot. You could see how tired he looked with his pink bunny slippers and an oversized tee-shirt with some shorts on. His hair was a mess; his eyes had dark, heavy bags under them. His eyes were sagging, no signs of active life in them yet. With a yawn, he turned around and headed towards the cabinets to find a bowl and a glass.

Ninja Toast, after waiting a few seconds, ran from the cabinet to the small kitchen table. He leaped up onto the sitting part of the chair, having done this many times in practice, and onto the tabletop. He stood there, in his boot-covered legs made from the toughened crust that formed his outline as well as his arms. He waited for Matthew to turn around, staring at him with his dark eyes. He curled his crust fingers, making a fist, his eyes squinted with concentration. Matthew turned around and headed towards the table. He stopped in his tracks, a surprised look on his face as he stared down at the piece of toast that was staring back at him. He was slightly scared, wondering what that piece of toast from two weeks ago was going to do to him. He had his bowl and glass held close to his chest, just staring at the piece of toast, speechless. From the corner of his eye, Matthew could see the drawer that held all his silverware. Dropping his bowl, made of hard plastic, he dashed to the drawer, opening it.

Ninja Toast watched as Matthew kept his brown eyes fixed on him, reaching frantically into the drawer. He pulled out a shiny spoon and ran towards Ninja Toast, about to jab him with a spoon until he died. He yelled out like an ancient warrior would call out their battle cry, prepared for the life or death battle against a worthy opponent. Ninja Toast waited until Matthew got near him and the spoon was coming towards him before he dodged out of the way of the attack. He tucked and rolled, pulling out his butter knives of doom as he stood back to his feet. They shined with the sunlight coming from the window behind the giant. The war had now begun, thanks to Matthew for making the first move.

Twisting his knives around in his hands, Ninja Toast held them out so they were facing left and right instead of straight out in front of him. Matthew steadied his footing as he awaited the strike that would be coming from his moldy opponent. Ninja Toast ran towards him, twirling his butter knife swords around in his hands, now aiming them at him. Thinking quickly, Matthew defended himself with his spoon. The dinging sound of silverware hitting silverware was the only sound in the room other than the heavy breathing from the giant’s open mouth.

While the two fought for their lives, they had no idea that there was an audience. The drawer that Matthew had grabbed his weapon from was open, letting all the spoons and knives and forks watch the battle. But that wasn’t it. The refrigerator door was cracked open. All the condiments, the drinks, the leftovers, and anything else that was in the fridge were staring out at them. A certain jar, full of grape jelly and a cute grin like no other, was staring in absolute adoration. She had never seen anything so amazing in her entire life, from her birth in the factory to now in the cold fridge, crowded with all the other condiments like Ketchup and Mustard. She watched with a sparkle in her eyes, wishing she had the courage to do what Ninja Toast was doing.

A slash and a jab; the constant clashing of the spoon and the knives continued to go on as all the kitchen foods, drinks, and other items watched in wonderment. Suddenly, during the random fighting of the two, Matthew caught a glance at the clock above. He was late! Throwing his spoon on the table he turned and ran out of the room and back up to his room. Shaun and Marie were going to be so mad at him! He had to hurry; he would finish his fight with the Ninja Toast later. His listeners will be waiting.

Matthew is a radio talk show host for a big radio station. The show that Matthew is on is called Matt's Mornings. On it, Matthew talks about the random things that he sees or experiences in the morning. This morning he would have a rather interesting thing to talk about. Everyone would think he was insane if they didn’t think that already. Perhaps they would think he was lying. After a few minutes of hastily changing into his work clothes, Matthew ran to the car. His stomach was growling from not eating breakfast.

satire
Jocelyn Sailas
Jocelyn Sailas
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Jocelyn Sailas

Hello! I'm an amateur writer with a love for the weird and fantastic. I mostly write fiction but have decided to challenge myself to write more things that are non-fiction. Please enjoy the ride!

See all posts by Jocelyn Sailas

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