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Cereal Explosion

by Courtney Capone 27 days ago in satire · updated 26 days ago

Why Is EVERYTHING A Cereal Now?

I drive my husband insane in a multitude of ways but grocery shopping with me is always an interesting experience for that man.

We reach the cereal aisle and he braces for the rant that he knows is about to come. Mostly comprised of a single word, repeated again and again.

Why?

Why?

WHY?!

There are healthy cereals and there are sugar cereals. This has been true since the dawn of time when Postasaurus Rex and Kellogasaurus started making them. Then came General Mills, the most influential caveman warrior of all time.

I was never great at history. And at least two of those may be the same company but if they are we'll just say there was a great war and someone was eaten. That was the beginning of corporate liquidation.

Moving on.

The cereal aisle is massive and there are so many options that to my mind, make absolutely NO sense as a cereal.

Cereal to me is generally a snack because I don't eat breakfast. I drink my Slim Fast Shake of Shame and move on with my day. When I do eat cereal though, I guess I'm something of a purist. I like the original flavors (as the cavemen and dinosaurs of yesteryear intended) and see no reason that everything has to have marshmallows or 17 flavors or freeze dried berries of doom and death.

I'm allergic to strawberries. That's probably what you call them. Freeze dried strawberries. But if you won't die from eating them, you don't get to judge me!

Maybe for my vast lack of historical cereal research... but not for my death by berries.

It stretches for miles. By the time you reach the end of the aisle you have no idea how long you've been grocery shopping or why there are 37 boxes in your cart.

My sense of distance and time, also not great. It's fine, I have other skills.

I'm relatively sure there will come a point in time where there will be an entire chain of stores that are actually called The Cereal Aisle and they will be the only place that you can purchase cereal.

Cereal has gone out of control! It needs to be stopped! Maybe Big Cereal is in bed with Big Pharma and they are just trying to give everyone diabetes. I mean the things they're turning into cereals now are in large amount... desserts. They're trying to make us all sugared up so we need insulin and forget how much we hate our jobs. AND they also have a mistress with Big Coffee because when the sugar crash happens by lunch, you need something to perk you back up.

Holy crap, I think I just figured out America.

Clearly (I HOPE this is clear), I'm kidding. I don't actually believe any of that. But cereal needs to slow its roll and remember who it is. Someone send the ghost of Mufasa!

Remember who you are!!!!!!!!!!

Let's explore the cereal aisle shall we?

Most of these are pictures I took in the actual cereal aisle. Others were cereals I've seen before but were not present the day I went grocery shopping so I shamelessly googled them for this piece. Because the truth will out!

Whose Idea Was This? I Want Names.

You can be chicken or you can be cereal but you most definitely can not be both!

Well, apparently that's not true but can I get an EWWWWWWWWWWW?

Why?

JUST WHY?

Well That Can't Be Healthy.

Desserts and candy. I don't know what I'm most offended by.

The cookie ones, I can get on board with. Cookies and milk. They go together. That's almost normal. It's not healthy, but it's almost normal.

I can even make an argument for the ice cream ones. Cream and milk... close enough, why not? Some people have teeth that are sensitive to cold and may appreciate a new and crunchy completely weird option for morning ice cream.

But the brownies and the cakes and the donuts... I just... that's just...

NO.

What I'm MOST offended by here are some of the candy cereal concoctions of sheer sugar gluttony.

Jolly Rancher cereal? That's just... wrong.

Sour Patch Kids aren't even good as Sour Patch Kids.

But PEEPS?!

Peeps are literally sugar covered in sugar. They are vile and the only good thing about them is that if you microwave them, they get really big and then explode (kids, do not try this at home without parental supervision, safety goggles and a clean up plan).

In short, they're disgusting. You may like them. I may judge you. But I think cereal was invented by a caveman army general and some dinosaurs so does my opinion of you really bother you? Just eat your sugar covered sugar and move on.

Mmk, pumpkin?

Oh! Speaking of pumpkin...

Can we talk for a minute about the ridiculous pumpkin spice craze?

How to tell you're completely basic and most likely white... you are obsessed with pumpkin spice and wait all year for it to be made into everything imaginable.

Like this.

Or maybe this.

That's gonna be a hard pass for me.

I hate pumpkin everything. The only way to eat pumpkin is in a pie, at Thanksgiving, smothered in so much whipped cream you can't see the pie anymore and when the whipped the cream runs out, throw the rest away.

Essentially it is a transportation device for whipped cream and nothing more.

Except... it's EVERYTHING MORE.

It's lattes and cereal and bread and bagels and ice cream and cookies and cake and I'm pretty sure they're coming out with pumpkin scented Uggs for the most basic of the basic white people.

Why are we pumpkin spicing the world?! It's like the term "go big or go home" has taken on a whole new meaning in America. We turn everything into cereal and every fall we turn everything into pumpkins.

Is it midnight yet, Cinderella, cause I'm OVER this ball?!

There are even pumpkin spice Greenies for dogs.

My dog will never eat those.

I refuse to give my money to Big Pumpkin.

Weren't You Already Breakfast?

Ya know that saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?"

Why did they need to turn Eggos and Poptarts into cereal?

First of all, Eggos and Stranger Things are intrinsically linked forever and Eleven doesn't approve of this and she's going to burn down the grocery store with her mind.

Why would you want to make her nose bleed like that?

That's just rude.

Poptarts (other than the death berry ones) are like, natures perfect food. You can eat them hot, room temperature, frozen... they can be breakfast, lunch or a snack... they're pastry, they're fruit, they're chocolate, they're not broken!

Why?

Why is this happening??? Stop the madness!

What Even ARE You?

It's the end of the world as we know it...

It's the end of the world as we know it...

It's the end of the world as we know it...

But there's cereal!

What kind? Who the hell even knows anymore but there are llamas and mediocre semi-B-list celebrities and Pokemon so I'm sure it will all be fine.

When Protein Bars Are Just Too Convenient.

So the point of a protein bar is to have something you can take with you on a busy day or a hike or some such nonsense and it's healthy and portable and full of weird things healthy people like to eat.

So... let's take the convenience away and turn it into a cereal!

Because... why not?

Because... they can!

Because... someone is going to buy it.

Because... they're trying to make me lose my mind (and succeeding).

One Does Not Simply Mess With Coffee.

Listen, poor man's Starbucks, it's not bad enough that your coffee is weak and lacking in the fine craftsmanship of a Starbucks Barista (I MISS YOU BARISTA BAILEY!) but now you have the sheer audacity... the unmitigated GALL... to create THIS abomination?!

There is nothing in this world more sacred and pure in it's perfection as coffee.

It. Is. Not. Cereal.

Do We Really NEED This Many Choices?

Is this not INSANE to anyone else?

Cheerios and Special K in 97 different varieties.

All the marshmallows (Apple Jacks have a marshmallow variety too but they were sold out). I'm all for the freeze dried marshmallow purity that is Lucky Charms. I used to share them with my dog. I ate the marshmallows, she ate the cereal, life in perfect harmony.

But in Fruity Pebbles?

I fail to see the necessity there.

Apple Jacks and Fruit Loops, not gonna even try to pretend I don't like the ones with marshmallows... but it has caused shame to befall my entire family and I've been ousted as the cereal black sheep.

It was very sad.

There was a whole ceremony.

I don't want to talk about it.

Then... the tables turned.

If You Don't Want Cereal... You Can Still Have Cereal!

As bars...

As oatmeal...

As breakfast shakes (which are nowhere near as healthy as my Slim Fast. I may have checked. Twice.)...

I'm telling you, watch for the new store The Cereal Aisle to start popping up as the next big chain.

At this point... we're going to need a bigger bowl.

satire

Courtney Capone

A veterinary technician, writer and animal advocate from New York. Currently living in South Florida and desperately trying to escape. Runs on Starbucks and the love of her husband and 7 rescue animals.

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