Widows’ Hard Path — Move Forward Or Stay In Grief — Both Face Backlash
Being a widow is one of life's most difficult journeys. It's time to stop judging them and support the life they create.
Most people think of a widow in their 70s, after 50 years of marriage. However, that is not the typical case. The average age of becoming a widow is 56. A quarter of widows are under 45. So, why are people shocked to see the woman moving forward and building a new life for herself after loss?
I was 42 when I lost my partner. None of my friends had experienced this type of loss. I felt alone and stuck in my grief for several weeks. One night, I was surfing Facebook — insomnia is a side effect of grief — and found a Widow Support group on Facebook.
These people, women, and men, became my new family for several months as I worked through my anger and grief. After three years, I keep seeing so many judgments against widows, and frankly, it pisses me off.
We Don’t Want To Move On But We Have To
It doesn’t matter what the status of your relationship is with your partner, death is final and it will hurt. In my situation, we lived together for about a year. He had health problems but continued to use drugs, knowing it could kill him. He ended up having a fatal asthma attack and died waiting for paramedics to show up.
After living the life of widowhood, I can say it doesn’t matter how long you had together, those first months are gruesome. The pain feels like it will never go away. It will take everything you have to force yourself to get up and do something besides cry and beg God to take you, too.
I think the shorter time you have with them, you will move forward faster. For example, if you had decades together, it could take you years to move past your loss. Or like me, we had two years together, and I moved forward in three months, and by a year, I felt normal.
It’s not I never think of him, because I do. I thank him for our time together. I thank him for showing my kids love and attention. But at the time of his death, our relationship was on a one-way trip to a horrific breakup. And that just added to my grief.
He was a cheater and bedded many of my friends. He slept with my childhood best friend while I was sleeping just 10 feet away. I found out so much information after he died. And I couldn’t get closure because of his death.
I wanted to move on, but my rage and ego prevented it. One day, I decided I cannot feel this way for the rest of my life. Yes, he was an asshole. Yes, I deserved better. But his death prevented my closure and robbed me of confronting him about it. I wrote him a long letter and expressed all my anger. I ripped up the letter and burned the paper.
My anger toward him dissipated, and I felt better than I had in months.
Widow Find Love, But They Still Grieve
This one is hard for many to understand. Yes, many widows will find love again. They will laugh again. But even if they find someone amazing, they will still think and love their late spouse.
The fact is, we cannot compare it to divorce or any other loss. When you get a divorce, you get closure. You break up and get to say everything you wanted to before going your separate ways. Death is often sudden and you are still in love when they leave. There isn’t a breakup. You aren’t angry. You just feel lost without the person you never imagined losing.
Naturally, when you find love again, you will love two people. You don’t love one more than the other. It’s like when you have children. You love your first as much as your second child. Your love just expands.
It’s a concept many social media users don’t understand. Just because you love one person who isn’t alive anymore, it doesn’t make your love any less for your new love, or as widows call them, chapter 2.
Widows Deserve Support Not Judgement
I am sure many judged me in 2019 when I met my husband. My partner died just four months earlier. I was ready to move forward. I was in a good place and loved being with my new love.
I heard how dangerous it was to move on so quickly. I should wait a year or two and then date. But I didn’t care. I felt good about this man, and I knew it would work out just fine.
It isn’t anyone’s place to judge. It isn’t our business to judge the widow who marries less than a year after her spouse dies. It isn’t our place to judge the widow who still mourns her spouse after 10 years.
We should offer all widows support and love because they have walked a tiresome journey, and they still rebuilt their life after suffering a loss they were sure would kill them.
If you don’t know how hard of a journey it is to be a widow, count your blessings. It isn’t for the weak, and it will either break you or you will find your place in your new world, rebuilding your life to conquer your new life goals.
So next time you see a widow, talk about her late spouse, offer support. It isn’t she doesn’t love her new love, she just misses her husband, the one who left this world way too soon.
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Originally published on Medium.
About the Creator
Chrissie Marie Massey
Chrissie has spent the last 20 years writing online for several major news outlets. When not writing, you’ll find her watching a Lifetime movie, wearing her favorite PJs with a frozen soda in hand.
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